Ah! The last few days have seen me posting enough social commentary . For now, I'm back to talking abt my favorite rant - men vs. women and relationship issues. As good ol' Austin would say - "Yeah baby!"
Today's topic is also based on something that I've seen take place over the years and though I'll be generalizing in this post, lemme warn you that there are exceptions to this trend - but then that's for some other time. For now, let's talk abt the eagerness (or the lack of it) that men and women show in making a relationship "official" ... the saga begins.
I feel (for the non discerning, see I put that in bold) that men always want to quickly make things "formal" and proclaim to the World that "yesssss. we are going around". Women on the other hand are very reluctant when it comes to accepting the fact that "yes, I'm indeed taken". I call it the seeker and seeky phenomenon (and pardon me for the introduction of that word). To men, getting a woman is no less than a conquest. Like the hunters in good ol' days, the common man sets out hungry and distressed in the morning, with the faint hope that his search will soon be over. And boy, that's no easy search. It goes on for days, sometimes months or like with some of my peers - for years. So when men finally think that they are anywhere close to ending the search - they just wanna get done with it. That's us - that's men - that's the truth.
Women on the other hand are the sought after specie. They are the sparkle that all kings desire in their crowns but only the select few can acquire. SO they enjoy the spotlight. That's why they resort to the phases - "no, we are just good friends" to "he is a very close friend" to "he is very special ... i don't want to give a tag to our closeness" to finallllllly "yes, he is the one ..... (long pause) i think" :)
To sum it up, for women, the male market is like a sumptuous buffet. There are lots of dishes and you don't want to commit your taste buds too soon to any one of them. That leaves you at the risk of sitting through your meal full stomached and longing for your friend's choice. Also you always want to leave some room for dessert.
For us men, on the other hand, women are a staple diet - without which all meals are incomplete - so the moment you get it - you just want to have it - otherwise the entire meal would be bland.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
As i was telling my wife the other day
" Depending on the breed, a love bite from a bitch can i either get you rabies or babies "
Funny .... eh ??? Well it wont be when you dont get your lunch box the next day :-((
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The "We Can Get" Guys!
I've been wanting to write abt the "we can get guys" for a fairly long time BUT somehow I haven't managed to put my thoughts down on the text editor (doesn't "putting your thoughts down on paper" sound so much better?). I hereby conjecture (and once again people will blame me for generalization) that most men between the age of 18-28, including myself, have at some point been a part of the "we can get" guys group. "Who are they" you ask. Well, well - read on!
Have you ever seen a group of 3-10 guys walk down the road? They are dressed up well. Their hair is well combed/spiked/"carefully careless"/whatever. The top button of their newly acquired party-shirt is left open, exposing one side of the well toned chest. Their denim boasts of fancy labels. Water and body spray was used in equal volumes to bathe them ... I need not go on, coz we've all seen them. Popular places to catch them would be outside night clubs, fast food restaurants, leaning against railings of shopping malls and their favorite hangout - movie theatres. No matter who they are or what they do - all these men think that, that very day is the day when they'll get some woman attracted to them. Some damsel in some magical way will fall for their charisma, come up to them, and say, "Hey handsome, take me home! Will ya?"
It's a very guy thing. It's very sad too. Coz unlike women, men don't wanna look good. Ideally speaking, every guy wants to be in his boxers, without ever shaving, caressing his belly and burping away to glory. But we can't do that. Every time we go out, we painfully convince ourselves that it is important to dress up. It is important to look what we think is our hunky best. It is important to change our face to what we think is "the look" every time a girl crosses our path. If you don't believe me, just take some time to observe a group of guys when a girl (or a group of girls) crosses them. For a second they'll all forget their camaraderieship and strike their "choose me baby just one time" look. They'll then see their dreams get shattered just one more time and then get back to discussing whatever manly topic they were discussing. Somehow we men never wonder abt the logistics. We never consider the practicality of the situation. We can be four Indian Techies in the middle of Beverly Hills. Why will any hot blonde with a million dollars in her purse, and a smile to match, fall for us? Why will the girl in the red car stop for the men blushing red? Why will the group of three girls eating ice cream consider us to be cooler than the chocolate de-lite? Naaaay! That never crosses our mind. We are an optimistic bunch. We always believe that even though we went out single, for lunch we can be joined by a dame - how lame!!
And hence we buy expensive shirts even though they are uncomfortable, and hence we spike our hair so sharp that it can be used as a weapon, and hence we walk from one end of the strip to the other end relentlessly, and hence we never approach a girl and still think that she'll come up to us and offer love, and hence we are ... single men :))
Have you ever seen a group of 3-10 guys walk down the road? They are dressed up well. Their hair is well combed/spiked/"carefully careless"/whatever. The top button of their newly acquired party-shirt is left open, exposing one side of the well toned chest. Their denim boasts of fancy labels. Water and body spray was used in equal volumes to bathe them ... I need not go on, coz we've all seen them. Popular places to catch them would be outside night clubs, fast food restaurants, leaning against railings of shopping malls and their favorite hangout - movie theatres. No matter who they are or what they do - all these men think that, that very day is the day when they'll get some woman attracted to them. Some damsel in some magical way will fall for their charisma, come up to them, and say, "Hey handsome, take me home! Will ya?"
It's a very guy thing. It's very sad too. Coz unlike women, men don't wanna look good. Ideally speaking, every guy wants to be in his boxers, without ever shaving, caressing his belly and burping away to glory. But we can't do that. Every time we go out, we painfully convince ourselves that it is important to dress up. It is important to look what we think is our hunky best. It is important to change our face to what we think is "the look" every time a girl crosses our path. If you don't believe me, just take some time to observe a group of guys when a girl (or a group of girls) crosses them. For a second they'll all forget their camaraderieship and strike their "choose me baby just one time" look. They'll then see their dreams get shattered just one more time and then get back to discussing whatever manly topic they were discussing. Somehow we men never wonder abt the logistics. We never consider the practicality of the situation. We can be four Indian Techies in the middle of Beverly Hills. Why will any hot blonde with a million dollars in her purse, and a smile to match, fall for us? Why will the girl in the red car stop for the men blushing red? Why will the group of three girls eating ice cream consider us to be cooler than the chocolate de-lite? Naaaay! That never crosses our mind. We are an optimistic bunch. We always believe that even though we went out single, for lunch we can be joined by a dame - how lame!!
And hence we buy expensive shirts even though they are uncomfortable, and hence we spike our hair so sharp that it can be used as a weapon, and hence we walk from one end of the strip to the other end relentlessly, and hence we never approach a girl and still think that she'll come up to us and offer love, and hence we are ... single men :))
Monday, November 26, 2007
Rated A
A few years back, when i had just started my career, I went for a movie with a girl I dint know too well. The movie was great until naked people started appearing on screen. Oops! They did it again. It's happened before and I'm guessing it'll happen again. Years ago when I was in college I went to watch Braveheart alone with a girl (btw, does alone with a girl sound right?). The movie was great (I am a sucker for historical pieces) until Mr. Gibson and Ms. Someone-I-Don't-Remember went all "hey hey" in the hay. Since then the situation has led to several deja vus and I still have no freakin clue on how to deal with it?
So, for starters, what's the big deal? Elementary Dear Watson - men behave differently in the company of men ... and women don't know that. Back in college we had gone for Species with some five hundred thousand fellow male students. Now, for those of u who haven't seen the movie - Natasha Henstridge spent very little time with the costume designer. Every time the hot bod(y) would appear on screen you could hear "Yeahs!" and "Whoas!" in unison. Then, we men also like to assume the role of judges. "Which of the two girls did you like more?" "I thought Sharon Stone over did it. I liked Jeanne Tripplehorn more ...", we succumb to our basic instincts. "Did you see her when she came out of the shower???" ... the list just goes on.
ALL THESE THINGS ARE A BIG NO WITH WOMEN. But ... but ... but, you can't just keep all quiet either. Not if before that the two of you smiled and spoke after every scene. Not if during the courting scene you smiled, did the "looking at the screen yet slanting towards her" move and said, "So has that happened to you? You must be getting a lot of that." Not if she laughed hysterically during the scene where the guy gets dumped, came close to your ears and said, "Now that must have happened to you a lot." Nudity = awkwardness; and we have to deal with that. You can't stare at the screen - then you are a pervert, you can't look away - then she knows that you are uncomfortable, you can't whistle - then she'll kill you, you can't keep quiet for too long - then it's eerie and you can't just say "I'll be back in a minute" and run away - coz then you are not man enuff.
"Help!" yelped the farmer boy as the naked sheep fleeted before his eyes.
So, for starters, what's the big deal? Elementary Dear Watson - men behave differently in the company of men ... and women don't know that. Back in college we had gone for Species with some five hundred thousand fellow male students. Now, for those of u who haven't seen the movie - Natasha Henstridge spent very little time with the costume designer. Every time the hot bod(y) would appear on screen you could hear "Yeahs!" and "Whoas!" in unison. Then, we men also like to assume the role of judges. "Which of the two girls did you like more?" "I thought Sharon Stone over did it. I liked Jeanne Tripplehorn more ...", we succumb to our basic instincts. "Did you see her when she came out of the shower???" ... the list just goes on.
ALL THESE THINGS ARE A BIG NO WITH WOMEN. But ... but ... but, you can't just keep all quiet either. Not if before that the two of you smiled and spoke after every scene. Not if during the courting scene you smiled, did the "looking at the screen yet slanting towards her" move and said, "So has that happened to you? You must be getting a lot of that." Not if she laughed hysterically during the scene where the guy gets dumped, came close to your ears and said, "Now that must have happened to you a lot." Nudity = awkwardness; and we have to deal with that. You can't stare at the screen - then you are a pervert, you can't look away - then she knows that you are uncomfortable, you can't whistle - then she'll kill you, you can't keep quiet for too long - then it's eerie and you can't just say "I'll be back in a minute" and run away - coz then you are not man enuff.
"Help!" yelped the farmer boy as the naked sheep fleeted before his eyes.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Are you in Lau ???
I was advising a toddler the other day on a definitive set of things she and her man love should do to conform to all the cheesy love norms. Come on. It doesn't matter how mature you are or how often you pass snide remarks abt those gooey couples on the road - at some point you have to be a part of the system yourself. You HAVE TO do all the acts of love that'll embarrass you on a reminiscing spree five years later and make you squirm in saccharine disgust. So I looked back into my own past and that of several other lovey couples that I've known closely and assembled this list of MUST-DOs that every cheesy couple should do at least once:
1. Have nick names for each other: That's a must. You might be gifted with names as gallant and smooth as Vikram and Sneha, but to each other you have to be Toto and Tuti. The names have to be so imbecilely in content that you'll feel coy to even mention it to any adult beyond the age of five. A simple rule of thumb always helps - the closer your name comes to resembling a pet dog, the closer to that red spot in the target sheet you are. Remember!
2. Hanging up the phone should be a pain: Never just say "Bye, love you ..." and put down the telephone. Prolong the conversation for ages. Add in "I'll miss you ... Come to my dreams ... Naaah! I don't want to hang up ... You first ... Ok! Now you say it again ..." Continue this routine till the telephone company informs your dad of potential bankruptcy and then you know that you've done it right.
3. Hand made gifts: Ok! There are people who specialize in making good gifts that can be put to good use. Most of these gifts are affordable and useful. So what? Forget the expertise of all these gift makers and plunge into the bandwagon yourself. Every cheesy couple has to gift each other hand made gifts at some point. Forget the Hallmark cards that are well made, funny, affordable and worth treasuring - make one yourself. Smear your brown lipstick on a piece of paper and draw perverted cartoons and chip in a badly written love ballad where you searched three hours for a word that rhymed with "darling" and finally ended with "Your love's more precious than two hundred and fifty sterling". Yeah! That's what I'm talkin abt!
I can think of many more examples but right now my wife is in a mood of pampering me as a very sizzling aroma of paneer bhurji is coming out of the kitchen and I shall therefore stop and probably try to write more on this some other time.
1. Have nick names for each other: That's a must. You might be gifted with names as gallant and smooth as Vikram and Sneha, but to each other you have to be Toto and Tuti. The names have to be so imbecilely in content that you'll feel coy to even mention it to any adult beyond the age of five. A simple rule of thumb always helps - the closer your name comes to resembling a pet dog, the closer to that red spot in the target sheet you are. Remember!
2. Hanging up the phone should be a pain: Never just say "Bye, love you ..." and put down the telephone. Prolong the conversation for ages. Add in "I'll miss you ... Come to my dreams ... Naaah! I don't want to hang up ... You first ... Ok! Now you say it again ..." Continue this routine till the telephone company informs your dad of potential bankruptcy and then you know that you've done it right.
3. Hand made gifts: Ok! There are people who specialize in making good gifts that can be put to good use. Most of these gifts are affordable and useful. So what? Forget the expertise of all these gift makers and plunge into the bandwagon yourself. Every cheesy couple has to gift each other hand made gifts at some point. Forget the Hallmark cards that are well made, funny, affordable and worth treasuring - make one yourself. Smear your brown lipstick on a piece of paper and draw perverted cartoons and chip in a badly written love ballad where you searched three hours for a word that rhymed with "darling" and finally ended with "Your love's more precious than two hundred and fifty sterling". Yeah! That's what I'm talkin abt!
I can think of many more examples but right now my wife is in a mood of pampering me as a very sizzling aroma of paneer bhurji is coming out of the kitchen and I shall therefore stop and probably try to write more on this some other time.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Showering with information
So I was taking a shower (don't be surprised, I do like to clean up every now and then). I was also singing (don't be surprised, I do like to put my musical talents to use every now and then). That's when a thought struck me (aha, now you can be surprised) ... and a post was born.
Over the years singing and taking a shower have become synonymous with each other. So much so, that "bathroom singing" is now a recognized art form. But just think for a moment - there's nothing seemingly obvious abt singing and taking a shower. Just imagine - there you are, standing stark naked, slithery soap all over you, touching yourself and what do you feel like doing - breaking into an impromptu musical performance??
I've never seen great singers request music directors to pour water on them to enhance their talents - so I refuse to believe that standing under water brings out the singer in us. So I reasoned that it might be the quiet of the toilet and seeming solitude that helps us shed our inhibitions ... but from what I know (personal experience and querying buddies) there are other things we do in the bathroom (let's be discreet here) and we don't sing during any of those activities. So what is it abt taking a shower then that brings out the maestros in us?
There has to be something for sure. Coz almost everybody does it and EVERYBODY DOES IT NATURALLY. No father takes their son or daughter to the side one day and says with a frown, "Chhotu, the time has come now to share the family secret with you. We Aroras have a unique talent and I want you to carry on the baton my son. So go in there and start singing ... and make your mom and me proud!" Nope! That didn't happen.
So what was it then that made a simple city boy like me become one of the greatest bathroom musicians of our time?????
Over the years singing and taking a shower have become synonymous with each other. So much so, that "bathroom singing" is now a recognized art form. But just think for a moment - there's nothing seemingly obvious abt singing and taking a shower. Just imagine - there you are, standing stark naked, slithery soap all over you, touching yourself and what do you feel like doing - breaking into an impromptu musical performance??
I've never seen great singers request music directors to pour water on them to enhance their talents - so I refuse to believe that standing under water brings out the singer in us. So I reasoned that it might be the quiet of the toilet and seeming solitude that helps us shed our inhibitions ... but from what I know (personal experience and querying buddies) there are other things we do in the bathroom (let's be discreet here) and we don't sing during any of those activities. So what is it abt taking a shower then that brings out the maestros in us?
There has to be something for sure. Coz almost everybody does it and EVERYBODY DOES IT NATURALLY. No father takes their son or daughter to the side one day and says with a frown, "Chhotu, the time has come now to share the family secret with you. We Aroras have a unique talent and I want you to carry on the baton my son. So go in there and start singing ... and make your mom and me proud!" Nope! That didn't happen.
So what was it then that made a simple city boy like me become one of the greatest bathroom musicians of our time?????
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Can't think of a title ... hence this post shall be called Chhotu !!
I know that so much gyaan on marriage from a recently married guy sounds strange, but trust me that marriage is in my genes - coz both my parents are married.
Last weekend was very well spent. watched a movie. enjoyed it. An old friend ( Lets call him X) visited me to give me an invitation for his marriage. He is from Bombay & works here in Bangalore. His wife would be joining him in bangalore post marriage. Now everyone knows that I'm a very good friend (ahem ahem). So, as a good friend, I gave X a very interesting preview of what I thought his married life will be like. And given that most of the readers of my blog are people who are married and use my blog as a one-stop resource for marital bliss, I thought I should share some of the weekend's invaluable words of wisdom here.
One of the first things X should do, I feel, is take his wife for a surprise shopping trip just after she arrives in Bangalore. Now I know what many of you are thinking - why is Abhi sounding like a nice person suddenly? Simple answer - coz I AM very nice. So all you guys who bring your wives to a new place for the first time - please take them shopping soon - but but but, TAKE THEM TO MTR. That's the key. It is important that you set the bar really low. You try to impress her with a trip to Le Meridien and you my friend are inviting a Looooooot of trouble. Coz the next time when you take here to Le Meridien after a fight, she'll be like "Hoooh! Whatever!" So take her to MTR and tell her it is a biiiiiig brand here.
If you are working and your wife is not , then the chances are high that you'll occasionally (changing soon to frequently) get a phone call at 5 in the evening. Your darling will start of by saying "Hi!!! What are you doing? Nothing. I just called to say Hi. I love you and miss you." The big thing to learn here is to NOT think that this is a general phone call. The actual translation of this phone call is "Why are you still at work? I am feeling sooooooo bored. You better come home fast." So never reply to this call with a nonchalant "I miss you too. See you at eight." coz then my friend you will be screwed (or maybe you never will be ... hmmm).
You'll often get underhand questions that'll sound like simple pursuits for knowledge but in reality they are anything but that. Things like "How much does a Honda Civic cost?", "Have you ever been on to Coorg?", "Is Mysore very different from Bangalore?" and "How much does a two bedroom house cost?" should never be answered. Learn to dodge them skillfully with a "Oh! shi!t. I have to make a very important phone call. I'll be back in a sec." Coz what these questions really mean are "Why don't you sell your bike and buy a cool car?", "Let's go on a vacation", "We are going to Mysore for the long weekend" and "It's time to call the real estate agent." So don't tell me that I didn't warn you.
There are several other rules to follow. Many of which have been taught to me by my dad. Some that come to mind are:
* Never criticize her cooking. Cooking to women is like sex to men. Even if they suck at it - they never want to know that piece of info. So, according to Dad, the right way to criticize cooking is to actually praise it. "Hmmmm! I like the fact that you have put a lot of salt in the rasgullas. Very different. Hmmmm! Very different." This way you get the message across and make sure that even if things are a lil too salty, you at least don't make them bitter.
* Never praise a friend's wife. "Don't you think Raj's wife looked gorgeous in that red top?" That statement is a disaster. Coz it'll be instantly followed by "Then why didn't you marry her only?" Face it, Raj is married and so is his wife and even if his wife looks well red, you don't have to read into it.
* And the GOLDEN RULE - she NEVER NEVER NEVER gets fat. Even if your double bed has no space for you to sit on - it is never her fault. If you want to tell her that she has put on weight - you might as well contact your divorce attorney before that - the rule is simple - weight and watch my friend!
Gotta run now (actually it's more like a leisurely stroll). Peace!
Last weekend was very well spent. watched a movie. enjoyed it. An old friend ( Lets call him X) visited me to give me an invitation for his marriage. He is from Bombay & works here in Bangalore. His wife would be joining him in bangalore post marriage. Now everyone knows that I'm a very good friend (ahem ahem). So, as a good friend, I gave X a very interesting preview of what I thought his married life will be like. And given that most of the readers of my blog are people who are married and use my blog as a one-stop resource for marital bliss, I thought I should share some of the weekend's invaluable words of wisdom here.
One of the first things X should do, I feel, is take his wife for a surprise shopping trip just after she arrives in Bangalore. Now I know what many of you are thinking - why is Abhi sounding like a nice person suddenly? Simple answer - coz I AM very nice. So all you guys who bring your wives to a new place for the first time - please take them shopping soon - but but but, TAKE THEM TO MTR. That's the key. It is important that you set the bar really low. You try to impress her with a trip to Le Meridien and you my friend are inviting a Looooooot of trouble. Coz the next time when you take here to Le Meridien after a fight, she'll be like "Hoooh! Whatever!" So take her to MTR and tell her it is a biiiiiig brand here.
If you are working and your wife is not , then the chances are high that you'll occasionally (changing soon to frequently) get a phone call at 5 in the evening. Your darling will start of by saying "Hi!!! What are you doing? Nothing. I just called to say Hi. I love you and miss you." The big thing to learn here is to NOT think that this is a general phone call. The actual translation of this phone call is "Why are you still at work? I am feeling sooooooo bored. You better come home fast." So never reply to this call with a nonchalant "I miss you too. See you at eight." coz then my friend you will be screwed (or maybe you never will be ... hmmm).
You'll often get underhand questions that'll sound like simple pursuits for knowledge but in reality they are anything but that. Things like "How much does a Honda Civic cost?", "Have you ever been on to Coorg?", "Is Mysore very different from Bangalore?" and "How much does a two bedroom house cost?" should never be answered. Learn to dodge them skillfully with a "Oh! shi!t. I have to make a very important phone call. I'll be back in a sec." Coz what these questions really mean are "Why don't you sell your bike and buy a cool car?", "Let's go on a vacation", "We are going to Mysore for the long weekend" and "It's time to call the real estate agent." So don't tell me that I didn't warn you.
There are several other rules to follow. Many of which have been taught to me by my dad. Some that come to mind are:
* Never criticize her cooking. Cooking to women is like sex to men. Even if they suck at it - they never want to know that piece of info. So, according to Dad, the right way to criticize cooking is to actually praise it. "Hmmmm! I like the fact that you have put a lot of salt in the rasgullas. Very different. Hmmmm! Very different." This way you get the message across and make sure that even if things are a lil too salty, you at least don't make them bitter.
* Never praise a friend's wife. "Don't you think Raj's wife looked gorgeous in that red top?" That statement is a disaster. Coz it'll be instantly followed by "Then why didn't you marry her only?" Face it, Raj is married and so is his wife and even if his wife looks well red, you don't have to read into it.
* And the GOLDEN RULE - she NEVER NEVER NEVER gets fat. Even if your double bed has no space for you to sit on - it is never her fault. If you want to tell her that she has put on weight - you might as well contact your divorce attorney before that - the rule is simple - weight and watch my friend!
Gotta run now (actually it's more like a leisurely stroll). Peace!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Just for you baby!!!
"Tell me how much you love me?" the girl asks you while gently putting her hand strategically around your bicep. You know that all familiar grip. If you give a good answer she'll come closer and put the other hand around you too. She'll then put her head on your shoulder and smile wistfully. You'll also get three brownie points in her mental scorebook. But if your answer is not good, her grip will tighten. She'll first squeeze your hand and then push it aside strongly. You'll then ask her "what happened?" and she'll say "naaathing" and then sulk. This "nothing" is like the trailer of a disaster movie where you just hear some dramatic music for 20 seconds but you know that the actual movie will have two hours of mass destruction. So to avoid all that confusion, you look into her eyes and say, "I love you like no man has ever loved a woman". One second ... two seconds ... three and ... she smiles. Both her arms hug you and she closes her eyes and nods a happy smile and your heart knocks on the doors of your mind and says, "I'm sorry. I can't believe I actually said that. I know that was cheesy. Cheesy as in extra cheese on my burger cheesy. But what could I do?" The head starts to giggle. The ears amplify the volume. The heart apologizes again but the sounds are lost in the roaring laughter in your mind. The head says, "Can you imagine what your friends will say if they hear this?"
Each one of us portrays an external image. Some of us are the carefree ones, some of us don't cry, some of us never wear clean clothes while others never go for chick flicks. And yet, all of us occasionally break these images just to avoid confusion and we instantly look around to ensure that nobody has seen us doing or saying what we just did. I've seen friends of mine who've sworn off chick flicks all their adult existence, get caught red (or is it pink) handed in possession of porn DVD's.
I've seen friends who claimed to loathe/detest/abhor pop music, dance all night long to the tunes of Britney Spears. I've seen friends who hated formal wear, pick up their dates in a bow and a tux. I've even seen a friend who thought that blogs are a waste of time, post one comment everyday on their lady love's blog, telling her how much the writing meant to him. And lest you think, I'm this macho dude making fun of all these love-struck folks, think again - if they ever start the hid-my-self-respect-for-love.com website, I'll surely be given a free account. Let's not get into nasty details but just to prove a point - I once wore a white shirt (and i just HATE wearing white because it does not go with my complexion ;-))
I know some of you reading this are going "Man! How can these people do all this?" The answer my friend is gently blowing in the wind and it's just a matter of time before you catch the cold too :))
So what is the most "un-you" thing that you've done in the name of love???
Each one of us portrays an external image. Some of us are the carefree ones, some of us don't cry, some of us never wear clean clothes while others never go for chick flicks. And yet, all of us occasionally break these images just to avoid confusion and we instantly look around to ensure that nobody has seen us doing or saying what we just did. I've seen friends of mine who've sworn off chick flicks all their adult existence, get caught red (or is it pink) handed in possession of porn DVD's.
I've seen friends who claimed to loathe/detest/abhor pop music, dance all night long to the tunes of Britney Spears. I've seen friends who hated formal wear, pick up their dates in a bow and a tux. I've even seen a friend who thought that blogs are a waste of time, post one comment everyday on their lady love's blog, telling her how much the writing meant to him. And lest you think, I'm this macho dude making fun of all these love-struck folks, think again - if they ever start the hid-my-self-respect-for-love.com website, I'll surely be given a free account. Let's not get into nasty details but just to prove a point - I once wore a white shirt (and i just HATE wearing white because it does not go with my complexion ;-))
I know some of you reading this are going "Man! How can these people do all this?" The answer my friend is gently blowing in the wind and it's just a matter of time before you catch the cold too :))
So what is the most "un-you" thing that you've done in the name of love???
Sunday, November 18, 2007
You gotta be kidding!
A lot of traveling and driving has been taking place. Kind readers who offer free leg massages can contact me and I'll avail any deal they offer :) Strict instructions had been given to me by my parents to leave aside my (what they think is) snooty self and do all things touristy with my sister. My consent towards this act was lapped up by my sis, who made me stop in front of every thing worth taking a photograph next too, and made me go clickety click. By the end of the day my legs were aching and the heart was echoing a similar pain, while my sister was still all agog and going "Ok, now one photograph with the botanical garden board of Lalbagh !!!" But however bad I feel abt walking and driving around Bangalore, I feel sadder for the little kids I saw. Walking around the famous Lalbagh Botanical Garden I noticed a zillion little children, who could barely understand the difference between their fathers and Shrek, being pushed around endlessly by their parents. Some of them were crying, some just decided to doze off and others looked around haplessly. It's then that I thought of all the things that we as adults do to children and it amused me a fair bit.
We all love children. They are small, cute and blow split bubbles - what's not to like? But do you think they feel the same way about us adults? Have you ever wondered what two little ones discuss when they are left with each other by their respective parents?
NB1 (Newbie 1) - Wassup man?
NB2 - Don't even get me started man. I feel no one understands me. I'm so glad I found you.
NB1 - Seriously!! What's wrong with these adults. Why do they all forget that they were all like us once too.
NB2 - Seriously. I've been crying all day and they have no freakin idea what I'm saying. Can you believe what my mom did to me? She has started putting make up on me. I'm eight months man!! Why would anybody put some black charcoal like thing on my eyes that I'll smear up in two minutes. It's freakin insane.
NB1 - What? Make up? And that too you are a boy man. You are so going to be confused when you grow up. *Chuckle chuckle*
NB2 - No kidding. I guess my mom misses dressing up a girl. That doesn't mean she makes a Boy George out of me buy making me wear little pink dresses. Whatevah!
NB1 - And what's this with the diaper crap dude? Which moron invented that?? A pant that ensures that you remain in a puddle of your own sh!t? It was so much easier when I would just crawl to the mom's part of the bed and take a dump there. Now it's like carrying a back pack on your a!s@ ... and to top it, the backpack is full of sh!t.
NB2 - Oh the diaper I can still deal with but it's the cheek pressing that drives me nuts man. I hear that people get jailed when they do that without consent once you grow up. Why can't they have the same law for us? Do you think I enjoy rough hands pulling my cheeks.
NB1 - Seriously. And what's with the whole cooochie poochie crap they say when they pull your cheek. Come on man, I am the one who can't speak - not you!!!
NB2 - Hey cheek pulling is still harmless but one of my uncles think it's very cool to throw me in mid air and catch. If he's that interested in catching live human beings he should do the same with his fat wife, not a tender eight month old. They should have a law against that ... and against tickling. I don't want people tickling me on my baby fat. It's just not done man.
NB1 - Yeah! These adults seriously have no idea about safety. My dad makes me sit on his neck as he walks me around. I suffer from vertigo already.
NB2 - Hey hey. Shhhhhh! I hear them coming. Sounds like your dad. They will probably take us to the other room and have people press our cheeks again. Pretend to sleep. Shhhhhh!
NB1 - I hate pretending to sleep for fifteen hours a day man. It is boring. But I see your point. It was nice talking to you man.
NB2 - Same here. We should do this more often *wink wink*
Sounds possible???
We all love children. They are small, cute and blow split bubbles - what's not to like? But do you think they feel the same way about us adults? Have you ever wondered what two little ones discuss when they are left with each other by their respective parents?
NB1 (Newbie 1) - Wassup man?
NB2 - Don't even get me started man. I feel no one understands me. I'm so glad I found you.
NB1 - Seriously!! What's wrong with these adults. Why do they all forget that they were all like us once too.
NB2 - Seriously. I've been crying all day and they have no freakin idea what I'm saying. Can you believe what my mom did to me? She has started putting make up on me. I'm eight months man!! Why would anybody put some black charcoal like thing on my eyes that I'll smear up in two minutes. It's freakin insane.
NB1 - What? Make up? And that too you are a boy man. You are so going to be confused when you grow up. *Chuckle chuckle*
NB2 - No kidding. I guess my mom misses dressing up a girl. That doesn't mean she makes a Boy George out of me buy making me wear little pink dresses. Whatevah!
NB1 - And what's this with the diaper crap dude? Which moron invented that?? A pant that ensures that you remain in a puddle of your own sh!t? It was so much easier when I would just crawl to the mom's part of the bed and take a dump there. Now it's like carrying a back pack on your a!s@ ... and to top it, the backpack is full of sh!t.
NB2 - Oh the diaper I can still deal with but it's the cheek pressing that drives me nuts man. I hear that people get jailed when they do that without consent once you grow up. Why can't they have the same law for us? Do you think I enjoy rough hands pulling my cheeks.
NB1 - Seriously. And what's with the whole cooochie poochie crap they say when they pull your cheek. Come on man, I am the one who can't speak - not you!!!
NB2 - Hey cheek pulling is still harmless but one of my uncles think it's very cool to throw me in mid air and catch. If he's that interested in catching live human beings he should do the same with his fat wife, not a tender eight month old. They should have a law against that ... and against tickling. I don't want people tickling me on my baby fat. It's just not done man.
NB1 - Yeah! These adults seriously have no idea about safety. My dad makes me sit on his neck as he walks me around. I suffer from vertigo already.
NB2 - Hey hey. Shhhhhh! I hear them coming. Sounds like your dad. They will probably take us to the other room and have people press our cheeks again. Pretend to sleep. Shhhhhh!
NB1 - I hate pretending to sleep for fifteen hours a day man. It is boring. But I see your point. It was nice talking to you man.
NB2 - Same here. We should do this more often *wink wink*
Sounds possible???
Friday, November 16, 2007
Worth the Wait !!!
The mom, dad & sister are here and will be here for the next 5 days. The son & the brother being the doting son & brother he is, went to pick them up from the airport. The sister being the sister she is, was the last one to arrive, after making the brother wait for more than half an hour at the arrival section. The brother didn't mind though. It was wonderful to observe the multitudes walk out of those gates ... wonderful and varied enough to deserve a blog post he thought.
There's something magical about the arrival section in airports. You see all kinds of people. Different ages, languages, relationships all crowd around a small gate, that, like the womb of the mother, lets out a face that cheers up several anticipating faces outside. I was reminded of the last scene from Love Actually, but Denise Richards's cameo was distracting the material for this post and hence I shook my head a few times and got back to enjoying the sights.
It is interesting to see how different waits can be. The kid next to me was waiting for his dad and the mother next to him was waiting for her husband. She kept glancing at her watch. She had dressed up more than usual. Clearly she wanted to look special for her man. The son was less interested about the arriving dad. "When will daddy arrive?" he asked a few times. But when his slightly tense mother gave the same "The plane has arrived. He'll come out any moment" answer for three consecutive times, he focused his curiosity on other things. "What's that man wearing mom?" he asked abt a kilted gentleman. "What does that sign mean?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" and the likes followed.
The young man on my other side, however, had a very different look on his face. Clearly he was waiting for a woman. His woman. The flowers in his hand left little room for questioning my conjecture. With every single passenger that came out of that door, the frequency with which he unknowingly hit the flowers by his side increased. His lips started making worried gestures and his finger followed the tune too.
An old Chinese couple just walked out of the gates and a huge group of people ran up to greet them. The crowd comprised of a good mix of children and grand children. They all took turn to exchange hugs. Sitting at least twenty feet away, I could still feel the warmth of the moment.
The Sardarji couple came out next. They looked like they were in their seventies. You would think that in their age they must have seen it all. But the moment they saw the three men who were diligently waiting just next to the railing (I'm assuming they were their sons) they echoed the same smile that the Chinese couple had let out.
And that's when I realized that there's something universal about these moments. No one teaches the child to run up to his dad when he walks out of those gates. No one taught me. No one taught the boy sitting next to me either. He forgot all abt his questions the moment he saw his dad walk out and ran up to him. The mother looked relieved too. She got up and started smiling.
Similarly, the moment someone comes out of those gates, and there's someone waiting for them, the first thing they do is to offer to take care of the luggage. It's universal. An act that crosses all cultural barriers. The first thing the three Sardarjis did was take the hand bag away from the old man. The first thing the eagerly waiting guy next to me did when he saw his lady love walk out (she was worth the wait and flowers btw :P) was to tell her "I'll take care of that".
These moments make me very happy. They make me realize that it's wonderful to be have someone who waits for you. It's wonderful to feel jaded and tired but to know that there's someone you'll soon see that'll wipe off all your lethargy with the blink of an eye. It's wonderful to return to those who missed you. Which is why you don't see people getting angry if they have to wait for three hours in an airport but see the same people get ragingly agitated when they can't locate their luggage in the carousel. Because by then the wait has reached its peak. Familiar faces are only a few steps away and every second matters. Which is also why you'll never see people who travel to new places and have no one waiting for them waste any time after they come out. You'll never see someone, who's all by himself, come out and take a little rest before carrying on. They all leave the airport asap. They know they are the minority there and they clearly don't like that.
It's wonderful to wait for those you miss. Waiting for my folks out there, I forgot abt the terrible traffic; I forgot abt the mess in my room; I forgot abt a lot of stuff that had occupied my mind. Seeing them walk out of that door (FINALLLY) just made things feel so right and it felt nice. Hmmmm! It's that time of the month when I get emotional I guess. Or as I like to say - man problems bonami.... man problems :-))
There's something magical about the arrival section in airports. You see all kinds of people. Different ages, languages, relationships all crowd around a small gate, that, like the womb of the mother, lets out a face that cheers up several anticipating faces outside. I was reminded of the last scene from Love Actually, but Denise Richards's cameo was distracting the material for this post and hence I shook my head a few times and got back to enjoying the sights.
It is interesting to see how different waits can be. The kid next to me was waiting for his dad and the mother next to him was waiting for her husband. She kept glancing at her watch. She had dressed up more than usual. Clearly she wanted to look special for her man. The son was less interested about the arriving dad. "When will daddy arrive?" he asked a few times. But when his slightly tense mother gave the same "The plane has arrived. He'll come out any moment" answer for three consecutive times, he focused his curiosity on other things. "What's that man wearing mom?" he asked abt a kilted gentleman. "What does that sign mean?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" and the likes followed.
The young man on my other side, however, had a very different look on his face. Clearly he was waiting for a woman. His woman. The flowers in his hand left little room for questioning my conjecture. With every single passenger that came out of that door, the frequency with which he unknowingly hit the flowers by his side increased. His lips started making worried gestures and his finger followed the tune too.
An old Chinese couple just walked out of the gates and a huge group of people ran up to greet them. The crowd comprised of a good mix of children and grand children. They all took turn to exchange hugs. Sitting at least twenty feet away, I could still feel the warmth of the moment.
The Sardarji couple came out next. They looked like they were in their seventies. You would think that in their age they must have seen it all. But the moment they saw the three men who were diligently waiting just next to the railing (I'm assuming they were their sons) they echoed the same smile that the Chinese couple had let out.
And that's when I realized that there's something universal about these moments. No one teaches the child to run up to his dad when he walks out of those gates. No one taught me. No one taught the boy sitting next to me either. He forgot all abt his questions the moment he saw his dad walk out and ran up to him. The mother looked relieved too. She got up and started smiling.
Similarly, the moment someone comes out of those gates, and there's someone waiting for them, the first thing they do is to offer to take care of the luggage. It's universal. An act that crosses all cultural barriers. The first thing the three Sardarjis did was take the hand bag away from the old man. The first thing the eagerly waiting guy next to me did when he saw his lady love walk out (she was worth the wait and flowers btw :P) was to tell her "I'll take care of that".
These moments make me very happy. They make me realize that it's wonderful to be have someone who waits for you. It's wonderful to feel jaded and tired but to know that there's someone you'll soon see that'll wipe off all your lethargy with the blink of an eye. It's wonderful to return to those who missed you. Which is why you don't see people getting angry if they have to wait for three hours in an airport but see the same people get ragingly agitated when they can't locate their luggage in the carousel. Because by then the wait has reached its peak. Familiar faces are only a few steps away and every second matters. Which is also why you'll never see people who travel to new places and have no one waiting for them waste any time after they come out. You'll never see someone, who's all by himself, come out and take a little rest before carrying on. They all leave the airport asap. They know they are the minority there and they clearly don't like that.
It's wonderful to wait for those you miss. Waiting for my folks out there, I forgot abt the terrible traffic; I forgot abt the mess in my room; I forgot abt a lot of stuff that had occupied my mind. Seeing them walk out of that door (FINALLLY) just made things feel so right and it felt nice. Hmmmm! It's that time of the month when I get emotional I guess. Or as I like to say - man problems bonami.... man problems :-))
Thursday, November 8, 2007
An Emotional Mail - Please respect my sentiments
Dear Spam,
It's been a while since we last met and I blame my spam blocker for this development. I want you to know that even though we don't meet as often as we used to, I still remember you. I haven't forgotten the days when I'd wake up in the morning and get greeted by you. In a World full of selfish people, you sincerely cared for me - from vacation packages to pills for greater satisfaction - you tried taking care of every pleasure of mine. You even offered me wealth from deceased ministers of far away lands - a gesture that I strongly appreciated but couldn't accept, fearing it would tarnish our friendship. You understood how difficult it is to be a graduate student and tried to make life simpler for me in more ways than one. Don't think that I didn't understand those subtle gestures you made to make me happy. Like the time you offered me property worth thousands of dollars, knowing very well that I was a pakka sheikh chilli and would have loved to use any money no matter where it came from. Or the time when California house prices went soaring up and you got me pre-approved for at least twenty mortgage services. No friend of mine offered help in such volumes and you did all this without ever asking for anything. I still remember how depressed I was after my last break-up. Many friends offered sympathy but you were not just another friend. You found out every possible lonely housewife in my neighborhood and informed me about them.
And still ... and still we drifted apart. I guess I needed more space that time - especially the 4GB that my email service provided me. You had started invading that space and that was the start of problems for us. And now.....now that they have recently introduced unlimited storage, my sorrow at your loss a few years back has had no bounds.....
I don't know if we'll ever cross paths again. But as the great bard once said
"If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then, this parting was well made."
Warm Regards.............Abhi
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Travelogue ... or the closest I can come to writing one
I'm not saying that "YOU ARE" or "YOU HAVE TO BE". All I'm saying is that there is a very (VERY) high chance that you are an Indian traveler flying abroad if you do any of the following things:
1. Carry home cooked food with you on the flight.
2. Wear a suit even if you are not going for any business or business related work.
3. Ask the person sitting next to you in the flight where they are going (pleaseeeeee people, it's a flight and not a bus. The chances are very very very high that you are all going to the same place!!!)
4. Have a hand written gigantic sticker on top of your hand bag and carry on luggage that discloses your name, age, email id, phone number and hobbies.
5. Introduce your better half as your "Vife" and then add that even she is "Wary excited"!
6. Sit next to random foreigners in airports and start telling them why you are going abroad.
7. Ask the air hostess if you can get an extra meal.
8. Spend the time in an airport clicking photographs next to every possible shop and then outdo yourself by posing next to the restroom.
9. Explain everything in great detail to your wife even though it's the first trip abroad for BOTH of you. If the wife actually nodds her head in agreement and awe then you don't even have to think twice before you make the conclusion :)
Feel free to add more to the list or accept the ones that you have done yourself. I have been guilty of 1 but I had a very good reason behind it :-D
1. Carry home cooked food with you on the flight.
2. Wear a suit even if you are not going for any business or business related work.
3. Ask the person sitting next to you in the flight where they are going (pleaseeeeee people, it's a flight and not a bus. The chances are very very very high that you are all going to the same place!!!)
4. Have a hand written gigantic sticker on top of your hand bag and carry on luggage that discloses your name, age, email id, phone number and hobbies.
5. Introduce your better half as your "Vife" and then add that even she is "Wary excited"!
6. Sit next to random foreigners in airports and start telling them why you are going abroad.
7. Ask the air hostess if you can get an extra meal.
8. Spend the time in an airport clicking photographs next to every possible shop and then outdo yourself by posing next to the restroom.
9. Explain everything in great detail to your wife even though it's the first trip abroad for BOTH of you. If the wife actually nodds her head in agreement and awe then you don't even have to think twice before you make the conclusion :)
Feel free to add more to the list or accept the ones that you have done yourself. I have been guilty of 1 but I had a very good reason behind it :-D
Monday, November 5, 2007
Have i seen u before ???
So I rant a lot abt lot of things. Earlier I used to feel bad abt inflicting my complaints on kind readers. Now some of the kinder ones actually expect me to rant. And to all these kind readers, I have my famous bedroom line that I plan to use on my wife during her labour - "Baby when you are expecting, I will try to deliver"!
So what is it that is bugging me right now. To understand this irritation you have to be a member of some social networking site - which for most of the readers of this web log will be Orkut I am guessing. Is it just me or are other people bugged by people who put up photographs of celebrities as their profile snap???
My wife recently received a message (aka scrap) from someone who thought they had similar interests. Now once you get past the twelve spelling mistakes in the fifteen word scrap this guy left, there's something else that'll catch your attention - it is the picture of this guy. Standing shirtless with his sunglasses on, the dimple in the cheek looked almost uncannily familiar. Hmmm! Who is it? What?? Ohhhhhhhhh! Wow!!!! My wife just got a scrap from none other than John Abraham. Wow!!
So what do we all learn from this scrap and a quick visit to John's profile?
a) John Abraham likes my wife, which is not very surprising given his fondness for Bunt babes (Aishwarya Rai, Shilpa Shetty...)
b) John Abraham can't spell too well and hey that shouldn't matter - coz when you can bike ur spellings can take a hike
c) John Abraham likes to make extensive use of bright jarring colors when he writes scraps (hey what's showbiz without a lil sparkle) AND
d) John Abraham studied commerce in some college in Gujarat and now works in the BPO industry in Calcutta (ahem, have nothing smartass to write for this one)
And it's not just John Abraham. A quick scanning of Orkut will reveal that Aishwarya Rai, Bipasha Basu, Celina Jaitly, Shahrukh Khan and the Junior B is on it too. And these publicity hungry public figures are not just happy with one profile. They have multiple profiles - I for one have seen 10-15 Aishwarya Rai profiles. Celebrities, I tell you! They will do anything for a little screen time (even it is a laptop screen).
Jokes apart, what the F letter word are these users thinking? Do they seriously expect readers to fall for them thinking that it is their photograph? Yeah sure. I can completely understand when reticent users go for scenic photographs to hide their true identities. A small house is fine. A set of clouds matching your name does justice too. Flowers ... excellento. But Angelina Jolie???? Who are you kidding babes?
And you know what is even funnier? These users seem to attract each other. If you visit their profiles - you'll see three sets of friends who are there on their friend list -
a) South American women who have added everyone who sent them a friend request
b) some girl called Nidhi or Rita or Nidhi (what's happening to my collection of standard Indian women names) who have seven thousand (oops it just became seven thousand and one) friends - all of whom leave her a scrap saying "Though I haven't met her in person she is a wonderful woman and great friend and very intelligent etc ..." AND
c) OTHER CELEBRITIES. Now that sums it up. Our Indian celebrities are anyway known for their snobbishness. So it is understandable that they will only be friends with foreign beauties and other desi celebrities. I mean, come one, isn't it but obvious that Bipasha Basu will have Johny papa on her friend list too (his desires for my wife not withstanding).
So to all readers of this blog, puhleeeeze spend some time on these profiles dear readers. It can be your dose of afternoon mirth. The joy you'll get when you see Salman Khan scrapping Kareena, asking her "Want to make frandship with me beautifool?" is worth the effort.
Peace!
So what is it that is bugging me right now. To understand this irritation you have to be a member of some social networking site - which for most of the readers of this web log will be Orkut I am guessing. Is it just me or are other people bugged by people who put up photographs of celebrities as their profile snap???
My wife recently received a message (aka scrap) from someone who thought they had similar interests. Now once you get past the twelve spelling mistakes in the fifteen word scrap this guy left, there's something else that'll catch your attention - it is the picture of this guy. Standing shirtless with his sunglasses on, the dimple in the cheek looked almost uncannily familiar. Hmmm! Who is it? What?? Ohhhhhhhhh! Wow!!!! My wife just got a scrap from none other than John Abraham. Wow!!
So what do we all learn from this scrap and a quick visit to John's profile?
a) John Abraham likes my wife, which is not very surprising given his fondness for Bunt babes (Aishwarya Rai, Shilpa Shetty...)
b) John Abraham can't spell too well and hey that shouldn't matter - coz when you can bike ur spellings can take a hike
c) John Abraham likes to make extensive use of bright jarring colors when he writes scraps (hey what's showbiz without a lil sparkle) AND
d) John Abraham studied commerce in some college in Gujarat and now works in the BPO industry in Calcutta (ahem, have nothing smartass to write for this one)
And it's not just John Abraham. A quick scanning of Orkut will reveal that Aishwarya Rai, Bipasha Basu, Celina Jaitly, Shahrukh Khan and the Junior B is on it too. And these publicity hungry public figures are not just happy with one profile. They have multiple profiles - I for one have seen 10-15 Aishwarya Rai profiles. Celebrities, I tell you! They will do anything for a little screen time (even it is a laptop screen).
Jokes apart, what the F letter word are these users thinking? Do they seriously expect readers to fall for them thinking that it is their photograph? Yeah sure. I can completely understand when reticent users go for scenic photographs to hide their true identities. A small house is fine. A set of clouds matching your name does justice too. Flowers ... excellento. But Angelina Jolie???? Who are you kidding babes?
And you know what is even funnier? These users seem to attract each other. If you visit their profiles - you'll see three sets of friends who are there on their friend list -
a) South American women who have added everyone who sent them a friend request
b) some girl called Nidhi or Rita or Nidhi (what's happening to my collection of standard Indian women names) who have seven thousand (oops it just became seven thousand and one) friends - all of whom leave her a scrap saying "Though I haven't met her in person she is a wonderful woman and great friend and very intelligent etc ..." AND
c) OTHER CELEBRITIES. Now that sums it up. Our Indian celebrities are anyway known for their snobbishness. So it is understandable that they will only be friends with foreign beauties and other desi celebrities. I mean, come one, isn't it but obvious that Bipasha Basu will have Johny papa on her friend list too (his desires for my wife not withstanding).
So to all readers of this blog, puhleeeeze spend some time on these profiles dear readers. It can be your dose of afternoon mirth. The joy you'll get when you see Salman Khan scrapping Kareena, asking her "Want to make frandship with me beautifool?" is worth the effort.
Peace!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
They can flush and still make you blush!
The battle of the sexes has always intruiged me ........ it always like 2 mountains pouncing at each other , each proclaiming their superiority over the other..... a few days back a friend from the fairer sex asked me to write a post abt things that women can get away with but men cannot. Aha! I exclaimed to myself. So finally someone actually accepts that women can indeed get away with stuff that the male specie can't even imagine trying. She also mentioned as an example "like women can wear pink but men can't ..." No! I said to myself. I'm not going to go the fashion route - that is soooo obvious. Instead I will talk abt other social phenomenon that the fairer sex can get away with but men shudder to even think abt. Here it goes:
1. Go to the bathroom together and not look strange.
What's this with women accompanying other women to the loo? It's like a social gathering in there. One woman has to say "I'll be back from the toilet" and before you know it's like a freakin picnic in there. All the other women join in with "Wait a sec. I'll come along too." Men will never dream of making a statement like that. Can you even imagine a guy telling another guy "Hey, I'm going to the toilet. Wanna join me?" Noooooo!!
2. Be in a group in a club by themselves and NOT look desperate.
How does this system work? A group of girls dancing all by themselves in a club is a sexy thing and the same scene enacted by the male specie is a sight of sadness???? If you see a group of men all by themselves in a social gathering people instantly exchange smirks. "Look look! Despos." ... "That's sad." ... "Man, how lame are they?" you hear. But put a group of five girls by themselves and the nudges and expressions change . "Wow! Look at them man." ... "That's so progressive" ... blah blah!
3. Add sexyness to something as mundane as eating.
This one completely amazes me. A woman eating a banana or gently licking a lollypop is supposed to be an erotic activity. So a girl could be without make up and just have a banana in her arsenal and still break hearts? But men? Nada! Is there any food that you can imagine a man eating and adding anything remotely sexy to the situation - think - spilling burgers, dosa, chicken legs - nothing. The only effect we can produce is that of disgust when we have sauces and stuffing dripping from all sides and try to cover it up with a smile that only reveals spinach stuck between our teeth - aaaaargh!
4. Proudly proclaim that you have a Best Friend.
Every girl it seems has a best friend. Now it was all fine when I was in kindergarten and shared tiffin with my best friend. "Who gave you that red pencil?" my mom would ask and I would reply with "My Best Friend!" But as I grew older I became more reticent to even accept that I have "close male friends". Don't get me wrong. Men have friends but we can't talk much abt our proximity without sounding strange. Can you imagine me making this statement. "Oh! I'm going to spend the night at my best friend's house. We will change into our night clothes and talk all night long!" Naaaaaaah! But the women have it different. Every woman seems to have a "Best Friend" story dating back to less than a week. "Me and my best friend, we spoke for hours last night." "My best friend and I went for a tan together." ... yada yada. And sometimes it's not just limited to best friends. They take it one notch higher. "Shilpa and I are the bestEST of friends. We've known each other for years and share everything with each other!" Now try replacing Shilpa in that statement with Sanjay and ask yourself if it still sounds right.
I rest my case.
P.S. Random conversation from the week:
She: I once got angry with my ex and kicked him out there.
Me: Lemme get this right. You got pissed with him and made sure that he can't piss no more?
1. Go to the bathroom together and not look strange.
What's this with women accompanying other women to the loo? It's like a social gathering in there. One woman has to say "I'll be back from the toilet" and before you know it's like a freakin picnic in there. All the other women join in with "Wait a sec. I'll come along too." Men will never dream of making a statement like that. Can you even imagine a guy telling another guy "Hey, I'm going to the toilet. Wanna join me?" Noooooo!!
2. Be in a group in a club by themselves and NOT look desperate.
How does this system work? A group of girls dancing all by themselves in a club is a sexy thing and the same scene enacted by the male specie is a sight of sadness???? If you see a group of men all by themselves in a social gathering people instantly exchange smirks. "Look look! Despos." ... "That's sad." ... "Man, how lame are they?" you hear. But put a group of five girls by themselves and the nudges and expressions change . "Wow! Look at them man." ... "That's so progressive" ... blah blah!
3. Add sexyness to something as mundane as eating.
This one completely amazes me. A woman eating a banana or gently licking a lollypop is supposed to be an erotic activity. So a girl could be without make up and just have a banana in her arsenal and still break hearts? But men? Nada! Is there any food that you can imagine a man eating and adding anything remotely sexy to the situation - think - spilling burgers, dosa, chicken legs - nothing. The only effect we can produce is that of disgust when we have sauces and stuffing dripping from all sides and try to cover it up with a smile that only reveals spinach stuck between our teeth - aaaaargh!
4. Proudly proclaim that you have a Best Friend.
Every girl it seems has a best friend. Now it was all fine when I was in kindergarten and shared tiffin with my best friend. "Who gave you that red pencil?" my mom would ask and I would reply with "My Best Friend!" But as I grew older I became more reticent to even accept that I have "close male friends". Don't get me wrong. Men have friends but we can't talk much abt our proximity without sounding strange. Can you imagine me making this statement. "Oh! I'm going to spend the night at my best friend's house. We will change into our night clothes and talk all night long!" Naaaaaaah! But the women have it different. Every woman seems to have a "Best Friend" story dating back to less than a week. "Me and my best friend, we spoke for hours last night." "My best friend and I went for a tan together." ... yada yada. And sometimes it's not just limited to best friends. They take it one notch higher. "Shilpa and I are the bestEST of friends. We've known each other for years and share everything with each other!" Now try replacing Shilpa in that statement with Sanjay and ask yourself if it still sounds right.
I rest my case.
P.S. Random conversation from the week:
She: I once got angry with my ex and kicked him out there.
Me: Lemme get this right. You got pissed with him and made sure that he can't piss no more?
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