Not a Big Deal !!!

For starters, I suck at bargaining. I just CAN'T bargain. To make matters worse, I grew up shopping with a mom and sister who somehow thought that bargaining was the national pastime of India. So I've spent many a days hearing newly opened shop owners explaining it to my mom that she couldn't have been a "regular patron for years". My sister has taken the practice to an all new level where she applies psychological techniques to choose her victims. "This guy is young. So I'll try the whole sweet 'hey, I'm buying this with my pocket money' angle" vs. "This guy is older and looks like a lesser scumbag and so I'll call him 'bhaiya' angle" - Sissy has tried to teach me.

Obviously, being a male and fairly expressionless nullifies the appropriateness of either of these approaches for me. So occasionally I just try to sound authoritative and say, "No way. That's way too much!" and wait for some kind of magical discount to be offered. Sometimes this makes the situation even more tricky coz the dealer backfires with "How much are you willing to pay?" Now, if you're like me, you'll have no freaking idea to what a good price for the item is. I am in Bangalore for the 2nd year now & come December i wanted to buy a Santa Claus hat . The night before Christmas, I was roaming around on the bike with my wife when I spotted this guy selling these hats on the road. So I stopped and asked him, "How much for a hat?"

"Hundred rupees," the guy said.

"That's way too much," I feigned an authoritative tone.

"Aap kitna dengey (How much will you pay)?" he fired back.

Ahaaa! Exactly what I hate. Suddenly the seller and all the other customers were looking at me. From an unsure customer I had become the star of the show and I had to perform. I knew I had to say something and I knew I had to say it fast.

"Seventy five rupees," I finally said, putting on a "been there done that" expression on my face.

"Ok! Take it," the guy said without blinking.

What? Obviously I got duped. Nobody would have sold off a hat without putting up a fight if my quote had been remotely competitive. But I had no idea what an intelligent guess would've been. I'd never bought a Santa Hat for myself. So how was I supposed to know? I couldn't have just fired back with, "Nope! Won't pay you seventy five. How abt fifty then?" Everybody around us who were already convinced that I was idiot would then think that I wore a matching mask of stupidity as well.

As you can see, I haven't forgotten the incident till date ( Yes, the incident happened yesterday & well today is today. The date has changed since yesterday & hence its grammatically & politically correct to say ' that i havent forgotten the incident todate ). What is more scary is that I haven't learned anything from it either.

Does any kind soul reading this have any "quick tips" on the "art of bargaining"?

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Profundity at Work

This came up in a conversation sometime last week at office and shows my deep insightful philosophical side :)

"I don't mind doing anything new as long as you don't ask me to do something I haven't done before."

The Questionary Number Paradox

Over the past few days I've been privy to some very amusing relationship tit bits and it has reaffirmed a long held opinion of mine - before marriage men have lots of relationships and women mostly have none ... or so they say.

Seriously, ask ANY unmarried man if he's had any relationships in the past. To us it's a vanity number. Ages back it was the moustache that defined the man, but now it's the number of women they can call their "girl friend". I've seen friends of mine mention "relationships" that lasted two group dinners and a refused telephone number exchange :) It's not too far fetched to imagine this conversation for a man:

Man: Will you be my lover?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Will you at least sleep with me?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Can we be just friends?
Woman: Nah!
Man: *I think she secretly likes me and is playing hard to get. Good. One more to my list. Now I have dated ten women.*

Hence men (and I've been accused of this too) flash back to stories abt their exes. Number One did this, Number Two didn't do this, Number Three might have done this ... :) That's us. Virility is no longer abt sperm count ... it's the ex count that puts the ex in sex for us :)

HOWEVER, women are very different. Chastity is the order of the day for the ladies. Ask a girl, "Were you and X dating?" "Dating? We barely knew each other *for ten years*" In my limited experience, women adopt a much milder tone when it comes to classifying past paramours. "Friends" takes the cake most of the times, often appended with a "good" to give a slightly elevated value; sometimes they say "we almost dated" and occasionally they'll gush out a "yeah! We dated briefly BUT IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS".

To sum it up, I propose the questionary number paradox - if every single man has dated ten single women and every single woman has never dated a single man then something is wrong ... hmmm!

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I wonder, ponder & finally surrender :

In most of my fights with my wife I always had the last word ... and it was normally "Sorry!"

Bone of contention !!!

Please explain this to me - what's so cute abt dogs???? I don't dislike dogs (even though they seem to bear some dislike towards me and have expressed it in terms of emotions ranging from barking to using me as a lamp post). However, I do turn a mild shade of envious green every now and then courtesy the barking specie.

Today, on my way back from lunch outside, I noticed a little crowd around a pillar. A little brown dog was tied to it and a wide range of people had gathered around the pillar to exchange "Wow!", "Ooooooooh!", "Awwwwwee! Shoooooo shueeet!" and the likes. This is not the first time that I saw such a scene but it was probably the first time that I took time out to evaluate the whole situation ... and, well, I failed to fathom any bit of it. I tried to imagine myself tied to a pillar, on all four limbs, with a leash around my neck, maybe even with very little clothing on, and also imagined the kind of reaction that I'd evoke in all likelihood.

"Oh! finally they chained him. Good!" I can imagine bystanders saying.
"They should have done it a lot earlier." Another one would add in.
"He looks a lot thinner with his shirt on!!"

Seriously. I can't imagine anybody stopping and offering me food. I can't imagine anybody using sugary superlatives for me. I can't imagine anybody asking the person standing next to me how old I was or whether they owned me. (On a separate note, have you noticed how everybody assumes that the person standing closest to the dog is the owner? i have often contemplated just standing next to a tied dog and claiming its ownership, just to strike random conversations.) Bottomline, I don't have an iota of doubt that a tied and underfed me would evoke very little sympathy and love from people.

So what else could it be? Is it the fact that they are furry?? Do people like to see naked furry creatures. I instantly imagined Anil Kapoor, all naked, tied to a lamp post. Naaaaaa! I wouldn't be very thrilled to see that and correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think too many others would either. For that matter, I'll pay NOT to see that.

So what else could it be? Do we find their wet nose endearing? Then how come when I have a cold, people shy away from me? How come no one that I know of would find me cute if I tried to smell my own buttock? Dogs (and almost all other pets) never brush their teeth and one of the first things that women do when they spot a dog, is go right in front of their mouth and do the whole "Uuuuuju bujjjuuuu" garble act. These are the same women who ask you early in the morning when you sweetly offer them breakfast ( or for that matter before sleeping in the night) - "Have you brushed your teeth? Have you brushed your teeth? Have you ..."

And to make matters really bad, the other day I saw two dog owners taking their dogs out on a walk. While the two men exchanged pleasantries abt how the weekend was going to be spent, the two canines vigorously tried to engage in acts of sexual pleasure. Acts that would scandalize any man, woman, child or Samit Basu's Eric Seagull. And yet, the two men were highly amused by this and commented on how this was soo funny. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Many Indian kids are a lot more sexually frustrated compared to domesticated dogs. Have you ever seen two such kids on the road with their respective parents, trying to grope each other, with their parents saying - "Oh! Mrs. Kapur, it's so funny to see them kiss and fondle. We should do this every more often!"

I give up!

A Cut to the Chase !!!

"Haircuts!! Oh haircuts! What a pain in the rear side you art." I think Billy Shakespeare said that in some classic play. Ooops. It wasn't the bard. I think I just said that line instead. Seriously. Oh dear haircuts, what a scene maker you are!

I admire (or maybe envy) women for their haircutting ease. They know exactly what they want. I was once accidentally allowed inside a women's beauty parlour where my sister had gone for a haircut and I was awestruck by the preciseness of her requirements. "A step cut ... till here (gesticulating a point below her shoulder) ... I'll also get highlights ... blah blah shade ... only this part out here (once again using extremely precise gesticulation) ..." Wow! I said to myself. Boy, does my lil sissy know what she wants. As a man I'm always at a loss of words when I enter the barber's shop. Let me elaborate.

See the biggest problem with men is that they are not very sure what they exactly want. Like I know I want my hair spiky. But I'm scared to tell my barber that. "I'd like to get a cut that helps me keep my hair spiky ..." "What kind of spikes?" he cuts me short. "What?? They have kinds of spikes? When did that happen?" Darn! There goes that adventure. So I give in to my standard "Cool. Just cut it short then" routine and he readily obliges.

Occasionally we know exactly what we want. It's that thing So and So actor did in So and So movie. I know. But then as member of the group of men who are always insecure abt revealing that they are aware of any kind of style, I too am embarrassed to ever make the statement "I want a cut like blah blah did in that cool movie." So once again I put my creativity into play and try to describe what exactly I think the cut is like and the result is disastrous more often than not. For example if I try to tell them that I want my jute like hair cut like Shahrukh Khan's in some movie (Oh come on all you men, you must have wanted some SRK hair style at some point), I end up saying "Well ... err ... I'd like to keep it ruffled but ... err a lil spiky as well ... like err ... well ... you know ... errr ... you know what, just make it short"!!!!

The funny part is that the barber's always try to help us out by having a chart of different hairstyles on their wall. This kinda seems to be a Universal trend intended to alleviate the aforementioned problems. You know what I'm talking abt, right? That strange collection of extremely happy looking guys in all sorts of hairdos. Personally speaking, I feel, that these models are normally friends or relatives of the Barber himself. Seriously! Do you think any professional model ever wants to be a hair style model whose only moment of fame is on walls of barber shops??? But that's a separate story! For now let's go back to my plight - have you seen these charts? They all seem to be from the seventies. They all have that one gleeful guy who sports the erstwhile Govinda look. Ahem! Ahem! Now I know I'm not that young ... but Govinda is still old enough to be my father (or at least my uncle)!!!

There are other things that men have to deal with abt hair cuts that women don't have to deal with I guess. For example the whole after the haircut show the back of your neck using a mirror routine. I've got myself haircuts in quite a few places around the World and they all do this. Just before they are done, they bring a mirror and hold it close to your neck and you are supposed to see the mirror in the other mirror and pass on some compliments or at least acknowledge a job well done by giving a gracious nod. No seriously. What's that whole routine for? Have you ever seen any guy who has said "No that's not what I wanted with the hair on my neck!!" Coz by the time they show you the mirror - the haircut is done. It's not like the hair that you can see during the cut and actively give suggestions abt. I must have seen a few thousand men go through this act and not even once have I seen anybody complain after this whole two-mirror routine. You know why? Coz we don't have a freakin frame of reference. What are we comparing this too? Do we really care? You must have heard men express their dissatisfaction abt the haircut in front ."No, I want it a lil shorter here" or "I want the side burns trimmed thinner" etc. But have you ever seen a man who said anything after the two-mirror routine? NO! Coz we do not care. I think the whole thing is a marketing gimmick. That way the barber always ends the cut with us feeling that we have nothing to complain abt.

Hmmmm!Such hair raising stories these are!!

My Homage to those who went unmentioned !!!

A lot of times when I'm talking to someone or when I'm traveling, I get these funny thoughts that I feel are blog-mention-worthy. Later when I sit down in the morning to put something on my blog I often wonder what those ideas were. At times all I remember is that some of them were very funny (to me) and amusing (to me again) but then the volatility of my memory prevents me from inflicting them (on you). Sometimes they come back at a later stage and express their grudge at not getting their deserving web space and I assure them that I'll pay them their dues. However, like all men I falter - my words alter - thoughts saunter.

So this post is dedicated to all those blog posts that I wanted to make but forgot. Interestingly enough, the idea for this post struck me yesterday afternoon and I remembered it till now - see, I'm indeed learning from my mistakes.

"Ghadi ghadi drama karta hai sala," a thought whispers in my head. I know it's a line taken from the Big B classic Sholay. However, I don't protest!

Out-dated..... or should i call Out-witted !!!

I have been reading a few blogs lately which have been written by friends from the opposite sex.... while most of them are die-hard feminists, one of them out smarts them all. Recently she wrote a post in which she lists out top ten ways in which men can spoil a date. I must confess that she does a great job in capturing the male behavior. But alas you get to see just one side of the story. Think abt what's going on in the male mind. Agreed that as long as the woman in front is a woman, the man will be pretty happy. But the woman sure CAN make things difficult for the male specie. So here it goes. Top five ways in which women can spoil a date for a man. (why five and not ten you ask? Well simple, coz I write excruciatingly loooong posts and want to spare you the trouble).

1. She makes you wait and wait and wait and wait ... And it's not just the wait. It's the way they build up the whole wait that bugs men the most. The feeling that the wait it almost over and ... and ... and ... more wait. So you drive all the way to the other end of the city to pick her up and she told you that she'll be ready at 6:30 pm SHARP. You ring the bell and she opens it hastily and says "Give me JUST ONE MORE MINUTE!" And then she disappears. The seconds hand of your watch makes a twenty second round of the circumference and still she doesn't come back. Ten minutes later she comes and says, "I'm soooo sorry. My friend called me up just before you came and her ..." You cut her short with the contrived smile and say "No problem. Take your time." And she does. She disappears again and returns fifteen minutes later looking exactly the way she did when she opened the door first. Please freakin explain it to me what feat was accomplished in this time period. Anyway, that was techniqo UNO in which women can spoil a date even before it starts.

2. Spend an hour deciding what she wants to eat. Men always know what they want to eat. We don't think twice and we DON'T mix food varieties. Our answer is always "Chinese" or "Indian" or "Pizza" or whatever - but it is always one word. For all you know we even have a restaurant in our mind and if the guy is like me - he even has the menu chalked out. But then we are gentlemen and we ask the fairer sex what they want and there begins round two of the wait. "You know what I feel like eating? I'm in a very Pizza-ish mood ... but I also want to have this amaaaaaaaaaazingggggg chocolate ice cream they sell in this shop on the other side of the city ... Actually you know what'll be great? My friend went to SOME Japanese restaurant where the sushi was great ..." Yup! Date spoiling technique Deux.

3. Have another appointment for the same evening. Ladies - this is a simple dating rule - when you go out on a date you JUST go out on a date. Don't start with, "I have to be back home in two hours. Coz my friend's sister is getting married and her fiancee ..." That aint fair o fairer sex. When a man goes out with a woman he hopes at the bottom of his heart that something exciting will happen at the end of the night. And for that he is willing to wait for years if need be. Ask your male date if he is willing to accompany you to the other end of the country and say that with a wink and he WILL accompany you there - with nothing but a faint hope in his heart. That's how desperate my specie is. So please return the favor by keeping the date "other engagement free"!

4. Eating the other person's food. This is another female classic. As I mentioned earlier - men have their menu all chalked out in their mind and they stick to it. Women on the other hand, always experiment with their food and then fall back on the man's plate for the safe meal. Who the fudge asked you to order "Apple with chicken broth in the first place?" And now that you have ordered it - suffer with it. Don't eye my Sweet and Sour Chicken dish please. And it always begins with, "Can I take a small bite from your dish?" You smile and say "Yes" and she obliges and the bite is instantly followed by "Wwwwwoooow! This is sooooo good. Do you mind if I take another bite?" And if that was not enough, they then add salt to the wound by gracefully offering you their discarded dish. Aaaaaarghhh!

5. Keep the cell phones off - will ya? I don't know abt other guys but if I'm out with a woman, the only calls I receive are from other cuter women :) What's this with the annoying best friend calling every fifteen minutes into a date. Here you are talking about how you love Apple with chicken broth when her phone rings. She says the customary "One sec!" and then continues for ten minutes and at the end you get a 2 second summary. "It was my best friend. They are going for a movie." What?????? That's what you guys discussed for ten minutes. What was she doing? Telling you the story of that freakin movie or what?

Evidently there are other things that can go wrong. But men are easy to please. Even if you have messed up the whole evening you can make up for it by leaning towards him at the end of the evening and just when he thinks it's a dream come true - your best friend will call you coz her movie just got over :)

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Musings : Sometimes during romantic feuds with my wife, I wish that love was deaf and dumb and not blind.

On Making Blogs Popular

A few friends of mine informed me that they liked my blog - giving vanity an ego boost. This makes me wonder with a zillion blogs available how does one increase the visibility of a blog. I remember an anecdote my teacher used to tell me using G. B. Shaw's name as the protagonist's. Apparently Shaw would go to various publishers and enquire about "Bernard Shaw's latest book". The simple scheme worked for Shaw and the rest was history.

A close friend of mine, has a fairly well visited blog and his secret lies in the fact that he creates a collage of interesting news snippets for his blog. This initially attracted a lot Google hits and now he has a fairly dedicated user base.

There are other blogs which deal with specific issues and therefore have a dedicated user base. This makes me wonder how to make my blog more visible. More importantly - do I want to make my blog more read? The answer is yes - for a blog like mine, which does not take a stance nor discusses issues of social/technical/gastronomic/farcical importance the only reason for writing is to be read. Why else would I publish stray thoughts on the web instead of storing them in a local Word file of my computer. "Elementary, my dear Watson" - the answer is to be seen and read by all and sundry. Even though I offer nothing in form or content, my mind hopes to gather a "reader-base".

Will it or won't it - that's the question only time will answer !!!

Hmm... As they say 'Patience is a virtue'

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh ... shhh!!!

Oh a million thanks to the kind woman who recommended the subject of this post. The "famous silent treatment" that women have forever ushered on the male specie. The weapon that can penetrate hearts that even generous bottles of free alcohol couldn't. The weapon that my grand mom used effectively and passed on to my mom. The same weapon that my sister uses on her boyfriend now and my mom secretly smiles, revelling in how the student has caught up with the master. If the bard was here today he would've said "Oh what a million words could not attain, a moment of silence did ..." Ladies and gents ... my one fiftieth of a dollar on one of womankind's most lethal strengths ...

No trick of the book is as deceptive as this one. All you have to do is keep mum!! Say nothing. It's that simple. Ideally all of us should be able to do it, right? This is when the buzzer rings and the red bulb flashes. Wronggggg!!!! The Silent Treatment is a master's art. One which is subtlety at its best. There are so many parameters and nuances - how long do you keep quiet, when do you start, how do you make the man realize that it's the silent treatment he is being subjected to and not just a peaceful day, what do you say to finally break the silence ... get it? What seems like a simple two step process (keep quiet, speak) is actually more complicated than tying your shoe laces with your arms tied behind your back.

For starters, silence will not buy you the reaction of remorse you want to see in your man. Because just silence will reveal it instantly that you are upset and the man will start with his acts of seeking (or is it pleading) forgiveness pronto. The silent treatment is like coffee - real pleasure requires prolonged simmering. So the trick is to not be completely silent but instead, be decreasingly vocal.

"Wanna go out for dinner?" the man would ask.

"No," you reply. Not a word more. Don't explain anything. Make him wonder if it's actually the beginning of the silent treatment or if it's just a terse reply.

"Wanna go for a movie?" he'll ask you soon, to reaffirm his fears.

"No," you reply again.

That's when the man gets freaked out. He's almost sure that he is being served the mother of all doses but he still has a spec of doubt.

"Are you angry?" he'll ask. Now you will be able to sense the urgency in his tone.

Don't say NO this time. Just nod your head. Maybe add "No, I'm fine."

This is when the man officially freaks out. See the reason why the silent treatment is so effective is because men never know what the woman is so angry for. It's the suspense that drives us nuts. Now all men know they screw up. More times than they should. So there is the guilty moments playing medley in their mind. However, they are just not sure which one blew his lady up.

"Is it because I called up your friend?" "Is it because I did not wash the dishes after eating?" "Is it because I called your mom fat and dad fatter? WHAT IS IT? Tell me. Tell me." They go berserk in no time.

And that is amazing for the ladies. Without saying anything they figure out all the things they should've been angry for - and that just adds on to their aggression.

At this point ladies, turn up the volume of the act. Gesticulation is thrown in. Start twitching your lips. Do the fake "I'm abt to cry and my eyes are almost red" eye motion. Maybe even sniff and breathe a few sighs. That'll scare the crap out of the man. Coz as I mentioned, the beauty of the Silent Treatment is that men have no clue how severe their blunder is and how long the ordeal will continue. It's like watching a Hindi soap on TV - ever week you think that the drama has reached it's peak but things still go on for fourteen years!!!!

And finally the outburst. Don't mess that up ladies. Then you have a great movie with a lame climax. Don't just blurt out "You forgot our five month three day anniversary" and spoil the classic moment. Either shout out loud or shed a few tears when you finally speak - but whatever you do pose the crime back to him as a question - "You don't know why I'm angry? Right? Ask yourself ..." Yes, this will just blow up your man. Then he knows that he is standing in the face of a canon - just waiting for you to blow it up!! And then .... go for the kill.

Sorry men. The silent treatment does NOT work on the ladies. They just think it's blissful silence. Also if done for long enough they don't serve you dinner and just say "If you were hungry, you should have just asked for food."

So face it - we might score one up on them by peeing while standing - but when it comes to winning the battle with minimum words - they say(?) it best!!!

Offering Free Choice (shipping and handling extra)

The girl next to me in the counter looked pretty agitated. "I don't care what you meant. All I know is that I was sitting alone and studying for my finals and my boy friend was out with some other girl partying," she spurted into the cell phone in a semi-weepy tone. I couldn't hear what the boy friend said but there was a brief period of silence and then the girl spoke again. "I simply don't care. DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE!" ... and a post was born.

The classic "DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE!". Almost legendary. One of the biggest weapons in an angry dame's armory. What the line actually means is "YOU BETTER DO WHAT 'I FEEL LIKE' BUT I WONT TELL THAT COZ THEN YOU'LL SAY THAT I'M BOSSY. INSTEAD I'LL EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAIL YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLY GUILTY FOR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO DO SO THAT ULTIMATELY YOU DO WHAT I WANT U TO DO."

Yes! rarely has the true meaning of a sentence been so different from its original form. Just ask yourself, have you ever heard this conversation take place:

Boy: Hey do you mind if I go out with the guys for a drink?

Girl: Not at all (with a huge glee). You should do what you feel like. After all that's what a true relationship is, right? Actually you know what, you should go out with the guys every week.

Naaay! That doesn't happen. It's more like:

Boy: Hey do you mind if I go out with the guys for a drink?

Girl: Do what you feel like (and a classic sulk). But remember that when Reena wanted me to go shopping with her last week, I didn't. Just because I didn't want to leave you alone. So do whatever you feel like doing. After all it's your (said with a huge stress on the word) choice.

As I was thinking all this I heard the weepy tone turn to feigned coyness. "Ok then. Just don't tell me later that you did this for me. See you at nine then." She hung up the phone and smiled a contented smile.

I knew that the guy did exactly what (s)he felt like.

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Baffling ? - They say "let the best man win" but then why is it that it's not the "best man" that marries the girl?

Aaja Aaja.... Main hoon pyaar tera :-)

Ah! The last few days have seen me posting enough social commentary . For now, I'm back to talking abt my favorite rant - men vs. women and relationship issues. As good ol' Austin would say - "Yeah baby!"

Today's topic is also based on something that I've seen take place over the years and though I'll be generalizing in this post, lemme warn you that there are exceptions to this trend - but then that's for some other time. For now, let's talk abt the eagerness (or the lack of it) that men and women show in making a relationship "official" ... the saga begins.

I feel (for the non discerning, see I put that in bold) that men always want to quickly make things "formal" and proclaim to the World that "yesssss. we are going around". Women on the other hand are very reluctant when it comes to accepting the fact that "yes, I'm indeed taken". I call it the seeker and seeky phenomenon (and pardon me for the introduction of that word). To men, getting a woman is no less than a conquest. Like the hunters in good ol' days, the common man sets out hungry and distressed in the morning, with the faint hope that his search will soon be over. And boy, that's no easy search. It goes on for days, sometimes months or like with some of my peers - for years. So when men finally think that they are anywhere close to ending the search - they just wanna get done with it. That's us - that's men - that's the truth.

Women on the other hand are the sought after specie. They are the sparkle that all kings desire in their crowns but only the select few can acquire. SO they enjoy the spotlight. That's why they resort to the phases - "no, we are just good friends" to "he is a very close friend" to "he is very special ... i don't want to give a tag to our closeness" to finallllllly "yes, he is the one ..... (long pause) i think" :)

To sum it up, for women, the male market is like a sumptuous buffet. There are lots of dishes and you don't want to commit your taste buds too soon to any one of them. That leaves you at the risk of sitting through your meal full stomached and longing for your friend's choice. Also you always want to leave some room for dessert.

For us men, on the other hand, women are a staple diet - without which all meals are incomplete - so the moment you get it - you just want to have it - otherwise the entire meal would be bland.

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As i was telling my wife the other day

" Depending on the breed, a love bite from a bitch can i either get you rabies or babies "

Funny .... eh ??? Well it wont be when you dont get your lunch box the next day :-((

The "We Can Get" Guys!

I've been wanting to write abt the "we can get guys" for a fairly long time BUT somehow I haven't managed to put my thoughts down on the text editor (doesn't "putting your thoughts down on paper" sound so much better?). I hereby conjecture (and once again people will blame me for generalization) that most men between the age of 18-28, including myself, have at some point been a part of the "we can get" guys group. "Who are they" you ask. Well, well - read on!

Have you ever seen a group of 3-10 guys walk down the road? They are dressed up well. Their hair is well combed/spiked/"carefully careless"/whatever. The top button of their newly acquired party-shirt is left open, exposing one side of the well toned chest. Their denim boasts of fancy labels. Water and body spray was used in equal volumes to bathe them ... I need not go on, coz we've all seen them. Popular places to catch them would be outside night clubs, fast food restaurants, leaning against railings of shopping malls and their favorite hangout - movie theatres. No matter who they are or what they do - all these men think that, that very day is the day when they'll get some woman attracted to them. Some damsel in some magical way will fall for their charisma, come up to them, and say, "Hey handsome, take me home! Will ya?"

It's a very guy thing. It's very sad too. Coz unlike women, men don't wanna look good. Ideally speaking, every guy wants to be in his boxers, without ever shaving, caressing his belly and burping away to glory. But we can't do that. Every time we go out, we painfully convince ourselves that it is important to dress up. It is important to look what we think is our hunky best. It is important to change our face to what we think is "the look" every time a girl crosses our path. If you don't believe me, just take some time to observe a group of guys when a girl (or a group of girls) crosses them. For a second they'll all forget their camaraderieship and strike their "choose me baby just one time" look. They'll then see their dreams get shattered just one more time and then get back to discussing whatever manly topic they were discussing. Somehow we men never wonder abt the logistics. We never consider the practicality of the situation. We can be four Indian Techies in the middle of Beverly Hills. Why will any hot blonde with a million dollars in her purse, and a smile to match, fall for us? Why will the girl in the red car stop for the men blushing red? Why will the group of three girls eating ice cream consider us to be cooler than the chocolate de-lite? Naaaay! That never crosses our mind. We are an optimistic bunch. We always believe that even though we went out single, for lunch we can be joined by a dame - how lame!!

And hence we buy expensive shirts even though they are uncomfortable, and hence we spike our hair so sharp that it can be used as a weapon, and hence we walk from one end of the strip to the other end relentlessly, and hence we never approach a girl and still think that she'll come up to us and offer love, and hence we are ... single men :))

Rated A

A few years back, when i had just started my career, I went for a movie with a girl I dint know too well. The movie was great until naked people started appearing on screen. Oops! They did it again. It's happened before and I'm guessing it'll happen again. Years ago when I was in college I went to watch Braveheart alone with a girl (btw, does alone with a girl sound right?). The movie was great (I am a sucker for historical pieces) until Mr. Gibson and Ms. Someone-I-Don't-Remember went all "hey hey" in the hay. Since then the situation has led to several deja vus and I still have no freakin clue on how to deal with it?

So, for starters, what's the big deal? Elementary Dear Watson - men behave differently in the company of men ... and women don't know that. Back in college we had gone for Species with some five hundred thousand fellow male students. Now, for those of u who haven't seen the movie - Natasha Henstridge spent very little time with the costume designer. Every time the hot bod(y) would appear on screen you could hear "Yeahs!" and "Whoas!" in unison. Then, we men also like to assume the role of judges. "Which of the two girls did you like more?" "I thought Sharon Stone over did it. I liked Jeanne Tripplehorn more ...", we succumb to our basic instincts. "Did you see her when she came out of the shower???" ... the list just goes on.

ALL THESE THINGS ARE A BIG NO WITH WOMEN. But ... but ... but, you can't just keep all quiet either. Not if before that the two of you smiled and spoke after every scene. Not if during the courting scene you smiled, did the "looking at the screen yet slanting towards her" move and said, "So has that happened to you? You must be getting a lot of that." Not if she laughed hysterically during the scene where the guy gets dumped, came close to your ears and said, "Now that must have happened to you a lot." Nudity = awkwardness; and we have to deal with that. You can't stare at the screen - then you are a pervert, you can't look away - then she knows that you are uncomfortable, you can't whistle - then she'll kill you, you can't keep quiet for too long - then it's eerie and you can't just say "I'll be back in a minute" and run away - coz then you are not man enuff.

"Help!" yelped the farmer boy as the naked sheep fleeted before his eyes.

Are you in Lau ???

I was advising a toddler the other day on a definitive set of things she and her man love should do to conform to all the cheesy love norms. Come on. It doesn't matter how mature you are or how often you pass snide remarks abt those gooey couples on the road - at some point you have to be a part of the system yourself. You HAVE TO do all the acts of love that'll embarrass you on a reminiscing spree five years later and make you squirm in saccharine disgust. So I looked back into my own past and that of several other lovey couples that I've known closely and assembled this list of MUST-DOs that every cheesy couple should do at least once:

1. Have nick names for each other: That's a must. You might be gifted with names as gallant and smooth as Vikram and Sneha, but to each other you have to be Toto and Tuti. The names have to be so imbecilely in content that you'll feel coy to even mention it to any adult beyond the age of five. A simple rule of thumb always helps - the closer your name comes to resembling a pet dog, the closer to that red spot in the target sheet you are. Remember!

2. Hanging up the phone should be a pain: Never just say "Bye, love you ..." and put down the telephone. Prolong the conversation for ages. Add in "I'll miss you ... Come to my dreams ... Naaah! I don't want to hang up ... You first ... Ok! Now you say it again ..." Continue this routine till the telephone company informs your dad of potential bankruptcy and then you know that you've done it right.

3. Hand made gifts: Ok! There are people who specialize in making good gifts that can be put to good use. Most of these gifts are affordable and useful. So what? Forget the expertise of all these gift makers and plunge into the bandwagon yourself. Every cheesy couple has to gift each other hand made gifts at some point. Forget the Hallmark cards that are well made, funny, affordable and worth treasuring - make one yourself. Smear your brown lipstick on a piece of paper and draw perverted cartoons and chip in a badly written love ballad where you searched three hours for a word that rhymed with "darling" and finally ended with "Your love's more precious than two hundred and fifty sterling". Yeah! That's what I'm talkin abt!

I can think of many more examples but right now my wife is in a mood of pampering me as a very sizzling aroma of paneer bhurji is coming out of the kitchen and I shall therefore stop and probably try to write more on this some other time.

Showering with information

So I was taking a shower (don't be surprised, I do like to clean up every now and then). I was also singing (don't be surprised, I do like to put my musical talents to use every now and then). That's when a thought struck me (aha, now you can be surprised) ... and a post was born.

Over the years singing and taking a shower have become synonymous with each other. So much so, that "bathroom singing" is now a recognized art form. But just think for a moment - there's nothing seemingly obvious abt singing and taking a shower. Just imagine - there you are, standing stark naked, slithery soap all over you, touching yourself and what do you feel like doing - breaking into an impromptu musical performance??

I've never seen great singers request music directors to pour water on them to enhance their talents - so I refuse to believe that standing under water brings out the singer in us. So I reasoned that it might be the quiet of the toilet and seeming solitude that helps us shed our inhibitions ... but from what I know (personal experience and querying buddies) there are other things we do in the bathroom (let's be discreet here) and we don't sing during any of those activities. So what is it abt taking a shower then that brings out the maestros in us?

There has to be something for sure. Coz almost everybody does it and EVERYBODY DOES IT NATURALLY. No father takes their son or daughter to the side one day and says with a frown, "Chhotu, the time has come now to share the family secret with you. We Aroras have a unique talent and I want you to carry on the baton my son. So go in there and start singing ... and make your mom and me proud!" Nope! That didn't happen.

So what was it then that made a simple city boy like me become one of the greatest bathroom musicians of our time?????

Can't think of a title ... hence this post shall be called Chhotu !!

I know that so much gyaan on marriage from a recently married guy sounds strange, but trust me that marriage is in my genes - coz both my parents are married.

Last weekend was very well spent. watched a movie. enjoyed it. An old friend ( Lets call him X) visited me to give me an invitation for his marriage. He is from Bombay & works here in Bangalore. His wife would be joining him in bangalore post marriage. Now everyone knows that I'm a very good friend (ahem ahem). So, as a good friend, I gave X a very interesting preview of what I thought his married life will be like. And given that most of the readers of my blog are people who are married and use my blog as a one-stop resource for marital bliss, I thought I should share some of the weekend's invaluable words of wisdom here.

One of the first things X should do, I feel, is take his wife for a surprise shopping trip just after she arrives in Bangalore. Now I know what many of you are thinking - why is Abhi sounding like a nice person suddenly? Simple answer - coz I AM very nice. So all you guys who bring your wives to a new place for the first time - please take them shopping soon - but but but, TAKE THEM TO MTR. That's the key. It is important that you set the bar really low. You try to impress her with a trip to Le Meridien and you my friend are inviting a Looooooot of trouble. Coz the next time when you take here to Le Meridien after a fight, she'll be like "Hoooh! Whatever!" So take her to MTR and tell her it is a biiiiiig brand here.

If you are working and your wife is not , then the chances are high that you'll occasionally (changing soon to frequently) get a phone call at 5 in the evening. Your darling will start of by saying "Hi!!! What are you doing? Nothing. I just called to say Hi. I love you and miss you." The big thing to learn here is to NOT think that this is a general phone call. The actual translation of this phone call is "Why are you still at work? I am feeling sooooooo bored. You better come home fast." So never reply to this call with a nonchalant "I miss you too. See you at eight." coz then my friend you will be screwed (or maybe you never will be ... hmmm).

You'll often get underhand questions that'll sound like simple pursuits for knowledge but in reality they are anything but that. Things like "How much does a Honda Civic cost?", "Have you ever been on to Coorg?", "Is Mysore very different from Bangalore?" and "How much does a two bedroom house cost?" should never be answered. Learn to dodge them skillfully with a "Oh! shi!t. I have to make a very important phone call. I'll be back in a sec." Coz what these questions really mean are "Why don't you sell your bike and buy a cool car?", "Let's go on a vacation", "We are going to Mysore for the long weekend" and "It's time to call the real estate agent." So don't tell me that I didn't warn you.

There are several other rules to follow. Many of which have been taught to me by my dad. Some that come to mind are:

* Never criticize her cooking. Cooking to women is like sex to men. Even if they suck at it - they never want to know that piece of info. So, according to Dad, the right way to criticize cooking is to actually praise it. "Hmmmm! I like the fact that you have put a lot of salt in the rasgullas. Very different. Hmmmm! Very different." This way you get the message across and make sure that even if things are a lil too salty, you at least don't make them bitter.

* Never praise a friend's wife. "Don't you think Raj's wife looked gorgeous in that red top?" That statement is a disaster. Coz it'll be instantly followed by "Then why didn't you marry her only?" Face it, Raj is married and so is his wife and even if his wife looks well red, you don't have to read into it.

* And the GOLDEN RULE - she NEVER NEVER NEVER gets fat. Even if your double bed has no space for you to sit on - it is never her fault. If you want to tell her that she has put on weight - you might as well contact your divorce attorney before that - the rule is simple - weight and watch my friend!

Gotta run now (actually it's more like a leisurely stroll). Peace!

Just for you baby!!!

"Tell me how much you love me?" the girl asks you while gently putting her hand strategically around your bicep. You know that all familiar grip. If you give a good answer she'll come closer and put the other hand around you too. She'll then put her head on your shoulder and smile wistfully. You'll also get three brownie points in her mental scorebook. But if your answer is not good, her grip will tighten. She'll first squeeze your hand and then push it aside strongly. You'll then ask her "what happened?" and she'll say "naaathing" and then sulk. This "nothing" is like the trailer of a disaster movie where you just hear some dramatic music for 20 seconds but you know that the actual movie will have two hours of mass destruction. So to avoid all that confusion, you look into her eyes and say, "I love you like no man has ever loved a woman". One second ... two seconds ... three and ... she smiles. Both her arms hug you and she closes her eyes and nods a happy smile and your heart knocks on the doors of your mind and says, "I'm sorry. I can't believe I actually said that. I know that was cheesy. Cheesy as in extra cheese on my burger cheesy. But what could I do?" The head starts to giggle. The ears amplify the volume. The heart apologizes again but the sounds are lost in the roaring laughter in your mind. The head says, "Can you imagine what your friends will say if they hear this?"

Each one of us portrays an external image. Some of us are the carefree ones, some of us don't cry, some of us never wear clean clothes while others never go for chick flicks. And yet, all of us occasionally break these images just to avoid confusion and we instantly look around to ensure that nobody has seen us doing or saying what we just did. I've seen friends of mine who've sworn off chick flicks all their adult existence, get caught red (or is it pink) handed in possession of porn DVD's.

I've seen friends who claimed to loathe/detest/abhor pop music, dance all night long to the tunes of Britney Spears. I've seen friends who hated formal wear, pick up their dates in a bow and a tux. I've even seen a friend who thought that blogs are a waste of time, post one comment everyday on their lady love's blog, telling her how much the writing meant to him. And lest you think, I'm this macho dude making fun of all these love-struck folks, think again - if they ever start the hid-my-self-respect-for-love.com website, I'll surely be given a free account. Let's not get into nasty details but just to prove a point - I once wore a white shirt (and i just HATE wearing white because it does not go with my complexion ;-))

I know some of you reading this are going "Man! How can these people do all this?" The answer my friend is gently blowing in the wind and it's just a matter of time before you catch the cold too :))

So what is the most "un-you" thing that you've done in the name of love???

You gotta be kidding!

A lot of traveling and driving has been taking place. Kind readers who offer free leg massages can contact me and I'll avail any deal they offer :) Strict instructions had been given to me by my parents to leave aside my (what they think is) snooty self and do all things touristy with my sister. My consent towards this act was lapped up by my sis, who made me stop in front of every thing worth taking a photograph next too, and made me go clickety click. By the end of the day my legs were aching and the heart was echoing a similar pain, while my sister was still all agog and going "Ok, now one photograph with the botanical garden board of Lalbagh !!!" But however bad I feel abt walking and driving around Bangalore, I feel sadder for the little kids I saw. Walking around the famous Lalbagh Botanical Garden I noticed a zillion little children, who could barely understand the difference between their fathers and Shrek, being pushed around endlessly by their parents. Some of them were crying, some just decided to doze off and others looked around haplessly. It's then that I thought of all the things that we as adults do to children and it amused me a fair bit.

We all love children. They are small, cute and blow split bubbles - what's not to like? But do you think they feel the same way about us adults? Have you ever wondered what two little ones discuss when they are left with each other by their respective parents?

NB1 (Newbie 1) - Wassup man?

NB2 - Don't even get me started man. I feel no one understands me. I'm so glad I found you.

NB1 - Seriously!! What's wrong with these adults. Why do they all forget that they were all like us once too.

NB2 - Seriously. I've been crying all day and they have no freakin idea what I'm saying. Can you believe what my mom did to me? She has started putting make up on me. I'm eight months man!! Why would anybody put some black charcoal like thing on my eyes that I'll smear up in two minutes. It's freakin insane.

NB1 - What? Make up? And that too you are a boy man. You are so going to be confused when you grow up. *Chuckle chuckle*

NB2 - No kidding. I guess my mom misses dressing up a girl. That doesn't mean she makes a Boy George out of me buy making me wear little pink dresses. Whatevah!

NB1 - And what's this with the diaper crap dude? Which moron invented that?? A pant that ensures that you remain in a puddle of your own sh!t? It was so much easier when I would just crawl to the mom's part of the bed and take a dump there. Now it's like carrying a back pack on your a!s@ ... and to top it, the backpack is full of sh!t.

NB2 - Oh the diaper I can still deal with but it's the cheek pressing that drives me nuts man. I hear that people get jailed when they do that without consent once you grow up. Why can't they have the same law for us? Do you think I enjoy rough hands pulling my cheeks.

NB1 - Seriously. And what's with the whole cooochie poochie crap they say when they pull your cheek. Come on man, I am the one who can't speak - not you!!!

NB2 - Hey cheek pulling is still harmless but one of my uncles think it's very cool to throw me in mid air and catch. If he's that interested in catching live human beings he should do the same with his fat wife, not a tender eight month old. They should have a law against that ... and against tickling. I don't want people tickling me on my baby fat. It's just not done man.

NB1 - Yeah! These adults seriously have no idea about safety. My dad makes me sit on his neck as he walks me around. I suffer from vertigo already.

NB2 - Hey hey. Shhhhhh! I hear them coming. Sounds like your dad. They will probably take us to the other room and have people press our cheeks again. Pretend to sleep. Shhhhhh!

NB1 - I hate pretending to sleep for fifteen hours a day man. It is boring. But I see your point. It was nice talking to you man.

NB2 - Same here. We should do this more often *wink wink*

Sounds possible???

Worth the Wait !!!

The mom, dad & sister are here and will be here for the next 5 days. The son & the brother being the doting son & brother he is, went to pick them up from the airport. The sister being the sister she is, was the last one to arrive, after making the brother wait for more than half an hour at the arrival section. The brother didn't mind though. It was wonderful to observe the multitudes walk out of those gates ... wonderful and varied enough to deserve a blog post he thought.

There's something magical about the arrival section in airports. You see all kinds of people. Different ages, languages, relationships all crowd around a small gate, that, like the womb of the mother, lets out a face that cheers up several anticipating faces outside. I was reminded of the last scene from Love Actually, but Denise Richards's cameo was distracting the material for this post and hence I shook my head a few times and got back to enjoying the sights.

It is interesting to see how different waits can be. The kid next to me was waiting for his dad and the mother next to him was waiting for her husband. She kept glancing at her watch. She had dressed up more than usual. Clearly she wanted to look special for her man. The son was less interested about the arriving dad. "When will daddy arrive?" he asked a few times. But when his slightly tense mother gave the same "The plane has arrived. He'll come out any moment" answer for three consecutive times, he focused his curiosity on other things. "What's that man wearing mom?" he asked abt a kilted gentleman. "What does that sign mean?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" and the likes followed.

The young man on my other side, however, had a very different look on his face. Clearly he was waiting for a woman. His woman. The flowers in his hand left little room for questioning my conjecture. With every single passenger that came out of that door, the frequency with which he unknowingly hit the flowers by his side increased. His lips started making worried gestures and his finger followed the tune too.

An old Chinese couple just walked out of the gates and a huge group of people ran up to greet them. The crowd comprised of a good mix of children and grand children. They all took turn to exchange hugs. Sitting at least twenty feet away, I could still feel the warmth of the moment.

The Sardarji couple came out next. They looked like they were in their seventies. You would think that in their age they must have seen it all. But the moment they saw the three men who were diligently waiting just next to the railing (I'm assuming they were their sons) they echoed the same smile that the Chinese couple had let out.

And that's when I realized that there's something universal about these moments. No one teaches the child to run up to his dad when he walks out of those gates. No one taught me. No one taught the boy sitting next to me either. He forgot all abt his questions the moment he saw his dad walk out and ran up to him. The mother looked relieved too. She got up and started smiling.

Similarly, the moment someone comes out of those gates, and there's someone waiting for them, the first thing they do is to offer to take care of the luggage. It's universal. An act that crosses all cultural barriers. The first thing the three Sardarjis did was take the hand bag away from the old man. The first thing the eagerly waiting guy next to me did when he saw his lady love walk out (she was worth the wait and flowers btw :P) was to tell her "I'll take care of that".

These moments make me very happy. They make me realize that it's wonderful to be have someone who waits for you. It's wonderful to feel jaded and tired but to know that there's someone you'll soon see that'll wipe off all your lethargy with the blink of an eye. It's wonderful to return to those who missed you. Which is why you don't see people getting angry if they have to wait for three hours in an airport but see the same people get ragingly agitated when they can't locate their luggage in the carousel. Because by then the wait has reached its peak. Familiar faces are only a few steps away and every second matters. Which is also why you'll never see people who travel to new places and have no one waiting for them waste any time after they come out. You'll never see someone, who's all by himself, come out and take a little rest before carrying on. They all leave the airport asap. They know they are the minority there and they clearly don't like that.

It's wonderful to wait for those you miss. Waiting for my folks out there, I forgot abt the terrible traffic; I forgot abt the mess in my room; I forgot abt a lot of stuff that had occupied my mind. Seeing them walk out of that door (FINALLLY) just made things feel so right and it felt nice. Hmmmm! It's that time of the month when I get emotional I guess. Or as I like to say - man problems bonami.... man problems :-))

An Emotional Mail - Please respect my sentiments

Dear Spam,

It's been a while since we last met and I blame my spam blocker for this development. I want you to know that even though we don't meet as often as we used to, I still remember you. I haven't forgotten the days when I'd wake up in the morning and get greeted by you. In a World full of selfish people, you sincerely cared for me - from vacation packages to pills for greater satisfaction - you tried taking care of every pleasure of mine. You even offered me wealth from deceased ministers of far away lands - a gesture that I strongly appreciated but couldn't accept, fearing it would tarnish our friendship. You understood how difficult it is to be a graduate student and tried to make life simpler for me in more ways than one. Don't think that I didn't understand those subtle gestures you made to make me happy. Like the time you offered me property worth thousands of dollars, knowing very well that I was a pakka sheikh chilli and would have loved to use any money no matter where it came from. Or the time when California house prices went soaring up and you got me pre-approved for at least twenty mortgage services. No friend of mine offered help in such volumes and you did all this without ever asking for anything. I still remember how depressed I was after my last break-up. Many friends offered sympathy but you were not just another friend. You found out every possible lonely housewife in my neighborhood and informed me about them.

And still ... and still we drifted apart. I guess I needed more space that time - especially the 4GB that my email service provided me. You had started invading that space and that was the start of problems for us. And now.....now that they have recently introduced unlimited storage, my sorrow at your loss a few years back has had no bounds.....

I don't know if we'll ever cross paths again. But as the great bard once said

"If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then, this parting was well made."

Warm Regards.............Abhi

Travelogue ... or the closest I can come to writing one

I'm not saying that "YOU ARE" or "YOU HAVE TO BE". All I'm saying is that there is a very (VERY) high chance that you are an Indian traveler flying abroad if you do any of the following things:

1. Carry home cooked food with you on the flight.

2. Wear a suit even if you are not going for any business or business related work.

3. Ask the person sitting next to you in the flight where they are going (pleaseeeeee people, it's a flight and not a bus. The chances are very very very high that you are all going to the same place!!!)

4. Have a hand written gigantic sticker on top of your hand bag and carry on luggage that discloses your name, age, email id, phone number and hobbies.

5. Introduce your better half as your "Vife" and then add that even she is "Wary excited"!

6. Sit next to random foreigners in airports and start telling them why you are going abroad.

7. Ask the air hostess if you can get an extra meal.

8. Spend the time in an airport clicking photographs next to every possible shop and then outdo yourself by posing next to the restroom.

9. Explain everything in great detail to your wife even though it's the first trip abroad for BOTH of you. If the wife actually nodds her head in agreement and awe then you don't even have to think twice before you make the conclusion :)

Feel free to add more to the list or accept the ones that you have done yourself. I have been guilty of 1 but I had a very good reason behind it :-D

Have i seen u before ???

So I rant a lot abt lot of things. Earlier I used to feel bad abt inflicting my complaints on kind readers. Now some of the kinder ones actually expect me to rant. And to all these kind readers, I have my famous bedroom line that I plan to use on my wife during her labour - "Baby when you are expecting, I will try to deliver"!

So what is it that is bugging me right now. To understand this irritation you have to be a member of some social networking site - which for most of the readers of this web log will be Orkut I am guessing. Is it just me or are other people bugged by people who put up photographs of celebrities as their profile snap???

My wife recently received a message (aka scrap) from someone who thought they had similar interests. Now once you get past the twelve spelling mistakes in the fifteen word scrap this guy left, there's something else that'll catch your attention - it is the picture of this guy. Standing shirtless with his sunglasses on, the dimple in the cheek looked almost uncannily familiar. Hmmm! Who is it? What?? Ohhhhhhhhh! Wow!!!! My wife just got a scrap from none other than John Abraham. Wow!!

So what do we all learn from this scrap and a quick visit to John's profile?

a) John Abraham likes my wife, which is not very surprising given his fondness for Bunt babes (Aishwarya Rai, Shilpa Shetty...)

b) John Abraham can't spell too well and hey that shouldn't matter - coz when you can bike ur spellings can take a hike

c) John Abraham likes to make extensive use of bright jarring colors when he writes scraps (hey what's showbiz without a lil sparkle) AND

d) John Abraham studied commerce in some college in Gujarat and now works in the BPO industry in Calcutta (ahem, have nothing smartass to write for this one)

And it's not just John Abraham. A quick scanning of Orkut will reveal that Aishwarya Rai, Bipasha Basu, Celina Jaitly, Shahrukh Khan and the Junior B is on it too. And these publicity hungry public figures are not just happy with one profile. They have multiple profiles - I for one have seen 10-15 Aishwarya Rai profiles. Celebrities, I tell you! They will do anything for a little screen time (even it is a laptop screen).

Jokes apart, what the F letter word are these users thinking? Do they seriously expect readers to fall for them thinking that it is their photograph? Yeah sure. I can completely understand when reticent users go for scenic photographs to hide their true identities. A small house is fine. A set of clouds matching your name does justice too. Flowers ... excellento. But Angelina Jolie???? Who are you kidding babes?

And you know what is even funnier? These users seem to attract each other. If you visit their profiles - you'll see three sets of friends who are there on their friend list -

a) South American women who have added everyone who sent them a friend request

b) some girl called Nidhi or Rita or Nidhi (what's happening to my collection of standard Indian women names) who have seven thousand (oops it just became seven thousand and one) friends - all of whom leave her a scrap saying "Though I haven't met her in person she is a wonderful woman and great friend and very intelligent etc ..." AND

c) OTHER CELEBRITIES. Now that sums it up. Our Indian celebrities are anyway known for their snobbishness. So it is understandable that they will only be friends with foreign beauties and other desi celebrities. I mean, come one, isn't it but obvious that Bipasha Basu will have Johny papa on her friend list too (his desires for my wife not withstanding).

So to all readers of this blog, puhleeeeze spend some time on these profiles dear readers. It can be your dose of afternoon mirth. The joy you'll get when you see Salman Khan scrapping Kareena, asking her "Want to make frandship with me beautifool?" is worth the effort.

Peace!

They can flush and still make you blush!

The battle of the sexes has always intruiged me ........ it always like 2 mountains pouncing at each other , each proclaiming their superiority over the other..... a few days back a friend from the fairer sex asked me to write a post abt things that women can get away with but men cannot. Aha! I exclaimed to myself. So finally someone actually accepts that women can indeed get away with stuff that the male specie can't even imagine trying. She also mentioned as an example "like women can wear pink but men can't ..." No! I said to myself. I'm not going to go the fashion route - that is soooo obvious. Instead I will talk abt other social phenomenon that the fairer sex can get away with but men shudder to even think abt. Here it goes:

1. Go to the bathroom together and not look strange.
What's this with women accompanying other women to the loo? It's like a social gathering in there. One woman has to say "I'll be back from the toilet" and before you know it's like a freakin picnic in there. All the other women join in with "Wait a sec. I'll come along too." Men will never dream of making a statement like that. Can you even imagine a guy telling another guy "Hey, I'm going to the toilet. Wanna join me?" Noooooo!!

2. Be in a group in a club by themselves and NOT look desperate.
How does this system work? A group of girls dancing all by themselves in a club is a sexy thing and the same scene enacted by the male specie is a sight of sadness???? If you see a group of men all by themselves in a social gathering people instantly exchange smirks. "Look look! Despos." ... "That's sad." ... "Man, how lame are they?" you hear. But put a group of five girls by themselves and the nudges and expressions change . "Wow! Look at them man." ... "That's so progressive" ... blah blah!

3. Add sexyness to something as mundane as eating.
This one completely amazes me. A woman eating a banana or gently licking a lollypop is supposed to be an erotic activity. So a girl could be without make up and just have a banana in her arsenal and still break hearts? But men? Nada! Is there any food that you can imagine a man eating and adding anything remotely sexy to the situation - think - spilling burgers, dosa, chicken legs - nothing. The only effect we can produce is that of disgust when we have sauces and stuffing dripping from all sides and try to cover it up with a smile that only reveals spinach stuck between our teeth - aaaaargh!

4. Proudly proclaim that you have a Best Friend.
Every girl it seems has a best friend. Now it was all fine when I was in kindergarten and shared tiffin with my best friend. "Who gave you that red pencil?" my mom would ask and I would reply with "My Best Friend!" But as I grew older I became more reticent to even accept that I have "close male friends". Don't get me wrong. Men have friends but we can't talk much abt our proximity without sounding strange. Can you imagine me making this statement. "Oh! I'm going to spend the night at my best friend's house. We will change into our night clothes and talk all night long!" Naaaaaaah! But the women have it different. Every woman seems to have a "Best Friend" story dating back to less than a week. "Me and my best friend, we spoke for hours last night." "My best friend and I went for a tan together." ... yada yada. And sometimes it's not just limited to best friends. They take it one notch higher. "Shilpa and I are the bestEST of friends. We've known each other for years and share everything with each other!" Now try replacing Shilpa in that statement with Sanjay and ask yourself if it still sounds right.

I rest my case.

P.S. Random conversation from the week:

She: I once got angry with my ex and kicked him out there.

Me: Lemme get this right. You got pissed with him and made sure that he can't piss no more?

Don't "Excuse" me !!!

I was talking with a close friend of mine who is planning to propose to a girl that he is sure will reject him. Being the sensitive and supporting person that I am, I suggested various excuses the girl can use to spell out "Get Lost" for him. There were the often used "I don't think of you that way" and "I don't wanna get into anything serious now" that I suggested but I feel that maximum damage will be caused if the girl says the fast popularity gaining - "You are very nice and you deserve someone better" :))

This is one excuse that was not very popular in the nineties but is becoming a show stealer these days. Back in "those days" a rejection always earned the girl the tag of a "bitch", while a declining guy was labeled a "bastard". Then in the late nineties, I believe, some bright chap came up with this new excuse of "You are too good for me". Brilliant! Not just any brilliant - this was "chocolate fudge and vanilla ice cream brilliant"! Imagine - you can't blame the other person for thinking highly of you. It's not their fault that you are better! So you feel like sh!t but can't find a vent for the sh!t either :))

But seriously women (and even some men who say "You don't deserve a jerk like me. I'm sure you'll find someone who'll keep you very happy") - do you think this excuse makes sense? Have you ever seen anyone get fired for being too good in a job?? "Sorry Mr. Arora, we have to let go of you. When we hired you, we were expecting a 20% increase in profits but now you've made the profits soar to 80%. We hate deviating from our plans, even if it's in the positive direction. So we have to let you go." THAT NEVER HAPPENS. You never find a slab of gold on the road and say, "I'm sure that the man standing their deserves this gold more than me."

Nope! So why try the same thing for relationship, eh?

The things that amuse me ... hmmmm!

Its an AD AD AD - MAD World

Aaaah! What a pain it is to keep on living out of a suitcase..... It so happened with me the whole of last year that i was globe trekking for work purposes & kept losing & gaining time ( look at my powers) every now & then.... Now, i aint complaining, after all who doesnt want to look around this earth ( that too when the company is paying for it :-)) but then all those stalwarts who have a 10 year multiple entry visa to uncle sam's land will agree with me that after a while it becomes boring, drab & more of a liability than a trip to Phoren

Back to the point... Now, of the few things that keep on bothering me whenever i remember my trips to Europe ( for that matter the same can be applied to US as well ) this is the one closest to my heart. If you visit any Indian website (TOI, rediff, etc. etc.) all the ads that you can see are one of the four categories.

1. Cheap Calling cards for India (12c/min, 5c/min, 2c/min, free/min)

2. Fly from LA to Frankfurt to LA to blah blah to finally Mumbai at advertised rates that are almost cheaper than the calling card prices :-)

3. Send money home to your parents (who are advertised as homeless people who are just waiting to receive a check from you) AND finally ...

4. Some cute girl smiling or a fat boy with SW Eng written below his photo screaming out "Marry Me"!

What? Are there no other markets for which they can target Indians. In the past 2 - 3 years, I've rarely seen any change in this format and that is very disturbing. In my mind I imagine their target Indian as a guy who:

Calls up home and keeps saying "Maaa, have you found a girl for me?" "Maa have you found a girl for me?" "Maa ..." This goes on and on and on coz the calling cards are dirt cheap. Then finally one day Maa says, "Yes! Beta we've found someone." So he instantly sends some money back to India for the wedding arrangements and then flies back to India via a route that touches every major city on the Globe.

Seriously! Is there nothing else that we can be targeted for. Visit any American site and you'll see so much variety. Laptops, iPods, penis enlargement pills, mp3s, furniture, cruise packages ... are we that "physically and technically well endowed" that none of these things would ever be purchased by us? Are we?

The Usual Suspects

A friend of mine from the fairer sex recently made this statement "It doesn't matter what you're wearing, as long as you have the right sunglasses to go with it." Another friend of mine spends fortunes on purses. 30% of the women I know have spent more time in shoe shops than in office. All this made me take some time off to think abt these feminine extravagances and I even discussed it with a few other male friends. The result was unanimous - Women, you've got it all wrong. Agreed, Sex and the City was a cool show. Agreed Carey and her friends were trend setters. But allowing these Emmy winning fictional characters to perform magic tricks with your money - it's just insane!!!

Seriously. I think television has totally manipulated the female mind. Why else would they worry so much about shoes? Do you realize that of all the things you wear - that's the one item that has the highest probability of coming in contact with real sh!t (I'm assuming basic hygiene from you when I make that assumption) and still you spend a week's worth of food money on shoes? Shoo away! High heels, pencil heels, slip ons, hooker boots - why o why o why do you need one of each variety. And it's not just one of each variety - it's one of each color in each variety. And it's not just one of each color of each variety - it's one of each brand in each color of each variety. Now come on! I agree that variety is the spice of life but do you really want your food to be that spicy????

Now let's analyze the second culprit - purses. Please don't get "purse-onal" here ladies. Think rationally. The objective of a purse is to HOLD money and NOT blow it. If a small engraved label at the corner of your purse makes you shed a couple of big greens then I'd say some one's taking you for a ride, woman. My wise dad always told me that if you ever wear something that's more valuable than you are, then a thug won't think twice before attacking you for that thing. So keep your purses light, crappy and empty - will ya?

And now sunglasses. You know why they are so bloody dark? Coz the moment you spend a fortune buying one of them you are no longer in a position to make eye contact with anyone. You know you are ashamed and the shades just help you hide the shame. Seriously. One sunglass is fine. Two is cool too. But twelve freaking sunglasses to go with every dress you have???? All I can say is "I've shade enough on this topic" (note to self - Abhi, your standard of puns is fast decreasing)!!!

Seriously. Look at us men. If we have a lot of money (I have no idea how that feeling is though) we buy cars. They take us from point A to point B. They move. They are big. They can hold a lot of purses. They can hold a lot of sunglasses. They can hold a lot of women with a lot of purses and sunglasses. That's what I call an investment. If we have even more money then we spend it on a house and we all know that these houses can hold many such cars!

I agree that occasionally we men have been known to spend a lot of money on alcohol but then if you're drunk enough, you reach a level so high where shoes, purses and all other things appear immaterial to you. That's us men. Ain't we deep?

Giving some direction to my posts :-)

Ok! It's time for one more rant! In the past few days I've ranted abt things that are specific to Punjabiz, Families and once in a while even the whole male or female population. But now it's time to discuss a topic that I feel is even more widespread than my earlier rants. I think it's something that all of us do. You know what? Maybe this is the common connection between all human beings. And what might this issue be? The inability to just accept that you don't know directions to a certain place. The saga beings.

Even if you are not as directionally challenged as me, I'm sure that you've asked someone or the other for directions at some point and I'm sure there have been several instances when these people were as clueless as you were abt your destination. But NEVER will you see people instantly telling you that they don't know. "I don't know," that's all they have to say. But that never happens.

The most popular gesture is when the asked person mentally calculates something. Sometimes the fingers join in as moving puppets to the thoughts. "Residency Road? Right? Well if that is Hosur Road and that is (long pondering pause) Vellara Junction then (now silence) ... then ... sorry, I have no idea!" What? Why couldn't you just tell me that earlier? I think somewhere down the line we feel that one has to be the most exquisite form of imbecile to be completely ignorant abt roads. Hence, we always put up a show before we accept defeat.

Sometimes things are even more fancy. The person concerned will call another friend of his. "Hey, man. Do you have any idea where the PVR Theatres are?" the hefty guy asks his friend who is eating lunch. The friend looks up and displays his expression of confusion but now it's his turn to put up a show. "PVR Theatres?" he asks again, with curd rice squirting out in joy. "What's showing there?" How does it matter what's showing there? I didnt ask you out for a date sir. It's just directions that I ask for.

To end this post I have to mention one more issue that I face and many of you might not have faced. I stay in a place with a fairly large local language speaking population who don't speak any English. Try asking them for directions. They always listen to you quietly and occasionally even repeat random words from your query - "BDA ... BDA ... Outer Ring Road" and after all that listening, they nod their heads and tell you "No Englees".

Why? Oh! Why? Oh!

What's for Dinner ??

I have mentioned movies aplenty on this blog; ranted incessantly abt men, women and animals; revealed some not-so-closely protected family secrets; & gushed sad tales of a reminiscing heart. So I was wondering abt stuff that I haven't touched here and realized that one such topic is FOOD!

Now, coming from a family where my dad once made tea with turmeric, this should be no mean surprise. I come from a family that, sans Mum, is "cullinarily challenged". My sis recently started making cakes. The hard dough-based substance that results from her attempts is already in high demand amongst neighborhood masons. They say it's nothing but another brick in the wall. So when I moved out of Mum's kitchen's reach, everyone, including me, was scared.

However, with time I've learnt some basic secrets abt cooking, which I shall now share:

1. No matter what I do, potato can never taste bad.

2. No matter what I do, salad can never taste good (unless of course I add potato to it).

3. People (this includes Mum) who begin teaching you a recipe by saying, "It's very simple, you first ... and then you ... and then ... and then ... and then ... " will never be of any help to you.

4. If everything else fails choose an apartment mate who is a worse cook - and thank Einstein for the theory of Relativity.

5. Never replace sour cream in a dish with fruit flavored yogurt. It's no longer a sweet situation.

6. Always have Maggi in the house - there's a high chance of all other options failing.

Shall end with a proof of point 4. Last year i almost shared accomodation with an apartment mate X ( Name changed for no aparent reason) X is a deemed bad cook. He once called up his home in a Delhi and said, "I just have potato and egg in the house. Is there anyway I can cook chicken?"

Bravo.

The Mystery Bag

I believe a few bored women read this blog to further increase their boredom.

I have a sincere plea to all of them - please explain to me the mystery of the little bag that women carry. For those who don't know what I am talking abt - a lot of women these days carry a small accompanying bag that doesn't look fit enuff for carrying anything of use. Yet, at least three-four times I have been amazed at the efficacy of "the bag".

You hurt your toe and ask the girl in front of you if she has a band aid in her bag and she will amaze you with a band aid and an anti-septic creme as well. You need to take down someone's contact info and you don't have a pen - so you ask the girl in front of you and she'll not only give you a pen but will also give you a little pad; mirror, make-up, towel, cell phones, spare clothes, half-eaten hamburger, shoes, half built house - you name it and it's there in that bag. How? How is it physically possible to think of anything you want and have it in that bag.

On the other hand I carry around a gigantic bag that carries my laptop and a whole bunch of stuff I don't use and every time I am in need for something I fall back to my friends from the fairer sex for their "bag". I need to unravel this mystery.

Help me!

The BOX of love

Suddenly flash backed the old times. People around me are wondering what to buy their cousins and brother's and girl friend's brothers and nephew's aunts. The probable list reads something like - Playstations, a high tech watch, DVD players and even a laptop. I was once small too (according to some people I haven't changed that much even now) and remember that when I was a kid one of my biggest attractions was the PENCIL BOX.

Remember them? People from my generation (24-30) will surely know what I'm talking abt. when we were young, pencil boxes used to be a major status statement in school. The most eye candy ones were the phone-shaped kinds. The stupid me used to think that owning one such thing would make people assume that I carried an actual phone. I even re'call' making a few fictional calls using my 3*8 delight. A close competitor of the "phone" was the "calculator". Equally big, equally fake and equally enthralling and convincing to the little mind. I remember that a plastic layer inside these boxes separated the pencils from the sharpeners and erasers. Peek inside along the edges, and you could surely spot some pencil leftovers. "How many times have I told you not to chew the rubber?" Mum would ask sternly. "How many times have I reminded you to sharpen your pencil next to the bin and not inside the box. The next time you do that I'll give you one of those cloth cases with a zipper running through it," she would threaten, reminding me of the classist hierarchy of pencildom.

Soon my mom elevated me to a new level of showmanship. The telephone was replaced by what was the "In Thing" then - double decker pencil boxes - the two storeyed spectacle. The box had two separate boxes placed on top of each other. The top had a cushiony feel and the coolest thing abt this masterpiece was a magnetic lock that the makers had introduced. "Do not mix up the color pencils with the writing pencils," mum would instruct tirelessly. I don't think she ever expected me to listen and I don't think I ever did. "And don't play with the magnet. You'll spoil it then."

Years passed and trends changed. I remember having a transparent pencil case, a three storeyed one, one shaped like a car and my personal favorite - a little unassuming box with a zillion trap doors; each popping out some new feature of the box - an eraser holder, an in-built sharpener, a pen stand etc. etc. etc.

What happened to that boy and his little desires???

The Indian Man's Sob Story

Face it - the Indian guy has it tough in the dating market. I was talking with a girl abt the perils of the Indian man in the dating game and she agreed. I told her that the English have their accent and the French have their knowledge of art, food and wine. The African American community is believed to be well endowed, while the Aussies get drunk famously. The Americans have money and the Chinese are better gadgeted than anybody else. The girl pointed out that Latin men are supposed to be great lovers. "Ah, sure! That too," I sighed. What do we Indian man have? Zilch! What's our strength? Zilch. What is it that makes us desirable to women all over the World? Zilch again.

Yup! Face it. We Indian men are at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing women. Our accents are - well - ahem - well - ahem. We aren't the tall, mane flowing breed either. Now there was a time when it was rumored that we men knew the Kamasutra inside out but it dint take them long to figure out that all that most Indian men knew abt sex is actually just - Inside and out. So what do we do? If you still don't believe me - let's be objective abt this. Let's take the three biggest strengths Indians have in the eyes of outsiders and judge ourselves - (i) we provide cheap outsourced labor (ii) we are good with spellings (yes, we Bharatiyas put the B in Spelling B) and (iii) we are good with math.

" Ab tera kya hoga re, Kaaliya "

...... and the training begins

I was discussing the "Indian marriage training preparation" with a friend and shall reproduce (with more spice sprinkled) parts of the conversation :)

The moment the Indian woman touches 23 and the man borders 25 the mothers call up their mothers. "Ladka bada ho gaya hai (the guy has grown up)" or "Ladki ke shaadi ke umar ho gayee hai (the girl is ready for the plunge)" is exchanged, a few congratulatory remarks are made and the "Great Indian Search" begins (trumpets roar in the background). The price of the boy is determined - "He has an MBA so we can demand a working girl", "His height is thoda less. So we will have to overplay the salary angle", "He used to play tennis so we can indeed call him an all rounder" - the parties decide. Similarly the girl's value is also determined in her house. "She can cook both Indian and Chinese. So that'll take care of her growing waistline. Plus we'll mention that she has joined that fitness club", "Don't forget to mention that we sent her to a convent. Guys really like that these days" - the aunts will add in their invaluable advice. A few warnings are also exchanged - "Don't tell the girl's family that Vijay had a girl friend. We'll play it safe and say we don't know and don't discus such things at home," the grandmother warns. After the family managers decide on the pricing and marketing strategy the product preparation begins:

For the girls.

1. Morning 8-9: Jogging and gentle cardio. "She has to look good in pants. You know naa that these days men like skinny women?" the aunt in salwar and sneakers monitoring the regimen declares.

2. Morning 10-12: culinary Workout. "Ok! You are frying it way too much. What will they think? That we dint teach you anything? Finish this fast. I will then teach you my special carrot pie after that. Your grandfather just tasted it once when he came to check me out and fell in love with me," the blushing and gloating grandmother announces.

3. Afternoon 3-5: Music lessons. "We have already told them that you have been singing for three years. Sing that Piya tohse song. It is very suggestive - if you know what I mean," the mother declares, giving up the last element of discretion.

4. Evening 7-8 (just before the ideal daughter-in-law TV serials begin): Knitting. "The guy's grandmom is coming too. Show her this piece. Tell her you made it. Don't worry. I'll teach you before marriage how to do it. Even though the cross stitch might be a little difficult," the grandmother says while maintaining the value of her role.

The guys don't have it easy either. They have their training program too.

1. Morning 9-Evening 5: That thing they call work. "So when do they let you know if you got promoted. Asst. Manager doesn't sound as good as Manager. Can we say Deputy instead of Assistant? It sounds better. I believe they already have another similar offer. I will recommend that you tell them that you are a manager. We will manage it later," the general manager of the house says.

2. Evening 11-12 (Just after the ideal daughter-in-law serials end): Feed the Male Ego. "Don't smile too much. They will think you have never seen a girl before. And when they bring the sweets take just one and don't go overboard praising it. Get it?" The father finally adds in. "Very true," the mother mentions. "And speak with an accent. They have already mentioned some three times that their daughter went to an English medium school. Show them that you are no less.

Shouldnt we just change the saying to read " Another one bites the trust " :-))

Oh Art - where have thou gone?

I think I've figured out what blogs essentially are - blogs are the restroom doors & walls of our times. Yes, I said it. Remember the time when a visit to the school or a college restroom would greet us with classic one liners and jokes carefully inscribed on the doors? Sometimes crude caricatures would accompany the text; telephone numbers of exes who left miles before the altar were found aplenty (many relationships started courtesy a pissed off lover and a lover who went to take a piss); I've even seen pathos-dripping poetry on those doors; and above all gibberish that made no sense. Sounds familiar? Yes!!! We've all seen blogs that touch on some or all of these categories (at least mine does). Need I say more??

With the advent of blogs, all of us now have a creative vent. Earlier the only way to release this dormant creative energy was to leave carvings on stinking bathroom walls & doors. But now the times are different. "Progressive" as many would term it. Now all we have to do is go to one of the free blogging services and Hola - we have our own lil toilet wall ready in minutes.

So I kept staring at the walls of a restroom i went to when i paid a visit to a city college, hoping to find something worthwhile on it. Hoping that some genius had left a piece of his mind out there to amuse me. Alas, there was nothing. Like Paris Hilton's closet of non-party clothes - it was all empty! A few stray occurrences of the word "Sex" appeared on the dirty green, but even that bored writer had given up midway. There were no cartoons, no one liners, no philosophies. Nothing funny to entertain me. Nothing worthwhile to plagiarize.

"All those folks must have started their own blogs," I said to myself. "I Better find them!"

The Games People Play !!!

One of my good friend has been fighting with her boyfriend. "Why?" I ask her. "Oh, no reason. It's no fault of his. But you should just scream at the man every now and then. It keeps them on their toes, you get some added respect and the apologies are always fun. What???? This is one of my very good friends talking ladies and gentleman and aghast is the word that comes to my mind.
I've always been a mere witness to the games between the two sexes and have been terrible at playing them myself. At best you can call me a good observer. Sometimes I've been an unwilling referee when two dating friends came up with "Ok! You tell us whose fault it is?" But when it comes to playing these games myself, I've always been at a loss of moves. And I don't think it's just me - I think that men in general are at a slight disadvantage when it comes to relationship games. I've seen some of my male friends play the marriage card successfully where the man emotionally blackmails the "by-then aged girlfriend" with the line "Give me few more years and I'll surely marry you." But that's all that I've seen the moustached sex do.
So I decided to list some of the classic moves women use (or at least I've seen them use) that completely unnerves men; makes them jittery; makes them rush for the closest bar or bathroom; makes them realize that the battle of the sexes is hardly a battle but more like an action movie climax - where you know who'll win but still watch it, just in search of possible novelty.
1. You have changed : Yes! A classic line that completely shocks men and women use it with such dexterity. Men have no idea what this means. Every now and then you see your lady love all serious and grumpy and on questioning her all you get is "You have changed." But that's it. There's never an accompanying explanation to how you've changed. So you are left with the dual task of figuring out how you've changed and how to redeem yourself and till you do that, the woman rules.
2. I'm having girl problems : Now please don't think that I'm an unsympathetic wretch. I know women and men are different (thank you high school for explaining things to me). All I'm saying is that men get very jittery when women use this line. Coz men have no idea what women go through at these times and they also have no idea how they'll react. So we get completely freaked out. One of my friends' girl friend used this line more often than he thought she should and EVERY time it gave him the shivers. Looking at them I knew she could get away with murder then (and trust me she did try it a few times on my friend). All I'm saying is that maybe even men should be given a day or two every year (JUST a day or two) when we can do stuff, and if questioned, bluntly reply "Man problems bonami, man problems!"
3. Nobody has ever treated me this way : (said best when you add a "not my mother, not my brother, not my ex ..." at the end). Another classic. Every man who has been in a relationship long enough hears these words at some point. And to be very honest it means nothing. For all you know it might be a good thing. Something like "You treat me so well, nobody has ever treated me this way." But NO. It never is. It always means something scary and men know that and the moment they hear it they know that it's apology time.
4. You don't love me any more : They should just ban this line. Or have something similar that men can use. For three years you could be cleaning her doormat. Forget doing it for one day and she'll tell you "You don't love me any more". If it's your bad day she'll even add No. 1 i.e. "You have changed." Aaaaaah!
5. You should learn something from XYZ (and XYZ is normally a close friend whom you dislike). That's it. This one freaks men out completely. Coz not only do you feel inadequate, you also feel threatened by XYZ. And women just love that.
Quite a few more techniques come to mind but this post is already too long and the women readers stopped reading quite a while back. I agree, I have changed a lot :)

Re-semblance

So how many times have you had people stare at you and tell you that you have your father's eyes, mother's eyebrows and uncle's smile? Yup! I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one on this planet who cannot detect glaring similarities between people. Is this a gift that everybody else has? Just imagine the last time you saw a new born crying out aloud. I can bet that there was a family member, standing right next to you, who commented on how the infant "exactly" looked like his/her mother!!! What???? Am I the only one who thinks that all babies look alike? They all have small eyes, chubby cheeks, make spit bubbles and cry every now and then. Obviously, the baby's mother was no different and I'm also quite sure that the next door neighbor's mother was no different either. So when an army of elderly uncles and aunts and strangers that I've never met, stand around and regale over the fact that "he has his grandmother's smile" I get shocked. To make matters worse, I'm a Punjabi. Every Punjabi family gathering has that over zealous relative who discovers a new physical trait that reminds them of someone else. Over the years, I've heard things ranging from "I have the exact same nose as my mother when she was getting married" to "I have my father's legs". Wow! These people are good when it comes to finding similarities between different body parts. Interestingly, however, these are the same people who don't recognize me when they bump into me on the streets. That's it. I have decided. The next time someone meets me in a family gathering and my mother forces me to go and touch their feet and they look at me all confused and wonder who I am, I'll just lift my trousers and say "Guess who? I have my father's legs you said. So now guess."!!
And it's not just limited to family members. As Indians we love to compare our children with movie stars. While some parents are modernists and settle for "He looks just like Amir Khan", others go old school and talk abt "his hair is like Jeetendra's in Himmatwala!" Whatever! Sometimes these similarities freak me out completely. For example, everyone tells me that I look like my mother. Great! However, I also have relatives who tell me that I look exactly like what my father did when he was my age. Ok! Rewind back Let's get this straight. If my dad looked like what I do now when he was my age, how come we have zero resemblance now? But that's not it. If I look exactly like my mom now and my dad looked exactly like me when he was my age - that means my dad looked exactly like my mom when he was my age. Eeeeeeeeew! Eeeew! Eew!
Finally, for all those people who have siblings and have secretly wondered which of you look better, you'll never get an honest answer if you just ask people. "You both look nice!" That's the baloney that you'll get. The trick is to go to a family member and ask them which of you resemble their side of the family more. That'll do it. Every family member will stake claim of the better looking sibling. It'll always be "Oh! X is just like your mother and people say that he looks like me too. You on the other hand have taken after your dad ..." Get it?

Story of a Honhaar Naujawan

In my opinion, Hindi films touched their nadir in the 1980s. It was hands down the worst decade in the history of Bollywood. Storylines, performances, clothes, and other associated sins like dances, fights etc, all plunged to unimaginable depths in the 1980s.
To get an idea of how bad things were, remember, 1980s was the decade that Mithunda was considered a part of mainstream!
This is how your average 1980s movie would go. Less than 1% would deviate from whatever is described below.
The male lead (henceforth to be referred to as 'Hero') would invariably be a "gareeb honhaar naujavaan", i.e poor earnest youngster. He would live in a basti. What was shown as basti was actually a Mumbai chawl, but the directors probably thought chawl was too Bambaiyya a word. So our Hero would be looking for a "naukri", i.e job. He would go for a lot of interviews after having a nice warm chat with his Mom. The Hero would always be wearing the sort of clothes than you now get outside railways stations on Mumbai's Central Line....that too on the east side. The colours brown, green, purple, grey would abound.
The interview would be great and it will always seem as if the dude is getting the job, but will not get it at the last monment. Why? Because our Hero does not have a "sifaarish", i.e he lost the job to nepotism. He would dream a bit about getting the job, buying a hideous sari for his mom, a weird frock for his sister, and also getting the sister married soon.So far so good.
Then the heroine would enter the picture. She would always be from a rich family, and live either at Juhu or Pali Hill. The clothes actresses wore in the eighties were always so frilly. Frills here, frills there, frill everywhere. No wonder the term "No Frills Airline" originated in the eighties. Only in eighties would the concept of doing away with frill have the maximum impact. So this frilly filly and our hero would have an altercation. During the altercation, the heroine needs to say "Ay Mister" and the hero must say "Dekhiye Memsaahab" at least once. It would always show the heroine in a "magroor" (arrogant) light. She will have guroor (arrogance) either of daulat (wealth) or husn (beauty). At the end of the altercation, the hero always wins. If the actress is accomodating enough, then the Director will also engineer a kiss-in-which-only-backs-of-their-heads-show. One song later, they will be in love.
Now this song has to be in a municipal park. One of the cardinal rules of the eighties was to shoot songs in municipal parks so that the municipality can earn some revenue. The same plants, the same shrubs, the same flowers, would appear in all the movies.
The preference for municipal parks is not the only indication that film-makers of the eighties were not without a sense of social responsibility. This decade also saw the establishment of the 'Saroj Khan Employment Guarantee Scheme'. Under this scheme, one person from every household in Mumbai was assured of at least 100 days of work every year, dancing as an extra behind the hero and heroine in every song. The sole criterion for qualification for this scheme was ugliness.
By this time, the villain would be introduced. Now in terms of the villain's trade, the film word reflected the confusion of the reality.You see, in the 70s, led by the great Indira Gandhi, believed profit was evil. Most trade was banned. In the 70s, importing stuff like watches, tape recorders, and of course, gold, was considered evil. So any film villain worth his salt, had to deal in smuggled gold.In the 1980s, we were confused. These weren't the 70s, when trading, business, indeed anything productive, was termed evil. These weren't the nineties either, when possessing money stopped being a sin, and heroes started gargling with cola drinks. These were the eighties. Confused, stuck in between. Eighties were also the period when terrorism as a concept was introduced to the world. So the villains also occupied a wide spectrum of professions.
A villain, who at least half the time, used to be the heroine's father, would either smuggle drugs, or be a terrorist. He could also be a corrupt cop, or Minister, but very rarely. The age of the Minister-villain was ushered in by Mehul Kumar much later in the 90ss
The heroine's father, wearing what he wanted us to believe were Armani suits, would come to know of his daughter being in love with a "do takey ka aadmi" (a man worth two units of the currency of Bangaldesh). He would either lock his daughter in a room, or pretend to be cool with it. Then came the scene without which the censor board wouldn't clear movies in the 1980s.The father would offer the hero money to leave his daughter alone. The hero would then say "Hum gareeb zaroor hain, lekin humaarey bhi usool hai" or something like that. The father, having failed to use "daam", would then use dand and bhed. Some charge of thievery would be pinned on the hero, to which he would respond "Hum gareeb zaroor hain, lekin chor nahin".
There would be a few more songs thrown in between. One would be a dream sequence with a lot of weird lights. Another would be a community song in the basti.The story would ramble for a while. Then it would plod along to the climax The climax usually had a fight sequence, which would always take place in a godown with a lot of cardboard boxes. There would be a lot of dhishum-ing around. At the end of it, the hero would emerge vistorious, then the police would make a late entry.
The heroine's father would either be escorted away by the police, or have a genuine change of heart and give his "aashirwaad". And the movie would end....or would it? Because the graphic would say 'The Beginning'.