Don't "Excuse" me !!!

I was talking with a close friend of mine who is planning to propose to a girl that he is sure will reject him. Being the sensitive and supporting person that I am, I suggested various excuses the girl can use to spell out "Get Lost" for him. There were the often used "I don't think of you that way" and "I don't wanna get into anything serious now" that I suggested but I feel that maximum damage will be caused if the girl says the fast popularity gaining - "You are very nice and you deserve someone better" :))

This is one excuse that was not very popular in the nineties but is becoming a show stealer these days. Back in "those days" a rejection always earned the girl the tag of a "bitch", while a declining guy was labeled a "bastard". Then in the late nineties, I believe, some bright chap came up with this new excuse of "You are too good for me". Brilliant! Not just any brilliant - this was "chocolate fudge and vanilla ice cream brilliant"! Imagine - you can't blame the other person for thinking highly of you. It's not their fault that you are better! So you feel like sh!t but can't find a vent for the sh!t either :))

But seriously women (and even some men who say "You don't deserve a jerk like me. I'm sure you'll find someone who'll keep you very happy") - do you think this excuse makes sense? Have you ever seen anyone get fired for being too good in a job?? "Sorry Mr. Arora, we have to let go of you. When we hired you, we were expecting a 20% increase in profits but now you've made the profits soar to 80%. We hate deviating from our plans, even if it's in the positive direction. So we have to let you go." THAT NEVER HAPPENS. You never find a slab of gold on the road and say, "I'm sure that the man standing their deserves this gold more than me."

Nope! So why try the same thing for relationship, eh?

The things that amuse me ... hmmmm!

Its an AD AD AD - MAD World

Aaaah! What a pain it is to keep on living out of a suitcase..... It so happened with me the whole of last year that i was globe trekking for work purposes & kept losing & gaining time ( look at my powers) every now & then.... Now, i aint complaining, after all who doesnt want to look around this earth ( that too when the company is paying for it :-)) but then all those stalwarts who have a 10 year multiple entry visa to uncle sam's land will agree with me that after a while it becomes boring, drab & more of a liability than a trip to Phoren

Back to the point... Now, of the few things that keep on bothering me whenever i remember my trips to Europe ( for that matter the same can be applied to US as well ) this is the one closest to my heart. If you visit any Indian website (TOI, rediff, etc. etc.) all the ads that you can see are one of the four categories.

1. Cheap Calling cards for India (12c/min, 5c/min, 2c/min, free/min)

2. Fly from LA to Frankfurt to LA to blah blah to finally Mumbai at advertised rates that are almost cheaper than the calling card prices :-)

3. Send money home to your parents (who are advertised as homeless people who are just waiting to receive a check from you) AND finally ...

4. Some cute girl smiling or a fat boy with SW Eng written below his photo screaming out "Marry Me"!

What? Are there no other markets for which they can target Indians. In the past 2 - 3 years, I've rarely seen any change in this format and that is very disturbing. In my mind I imagine their target Indian as a guy who:

Calls up home and keeps saying "Maaa, have you found a girl for me?" "Maa have you found a girl for me?" "Maa ..." This goes on and on and on coz the calling cards are dirt cheap. Then finally one day Maa says, "Yes! Beta we've found someone." So he instantly sends some money back to India for the wedding arrangements and then flies back to India via a route that touches every major city on the Globe.

Seriously! Is there nothing else that we can be targeted for. Visit any American site and you'll see so much variety. Laptops, iPods, penis enlargement pills, mp3s, furniture, cruise packages ... are we that "physically and technically well endowed" that none of these things would ever be purchased by us? Are we?

The Usual Suspects

A friend of mine from the fairer sex recently made this statement "It doesn't matter what you're wearing, as long as you have the right sunglasses to go with it." Another friend of mine spends fortunes on purses. 30% of the women I know have spent more time in shoe shops than in office. All this made me take some time off to think abt these feminine extravagances and I even discussed it with a few other male friends. The result was unanimous - Women, you've got it all wrong. Agreed, Sex and the City was a cool show. Agreed Carey and her friends were trend setters. But allowing these Emmy winning fictional characters to perform magic tricks with your money - it's just insane!!!

Seriously. I think television has totally manipulated the female mind. Why else would they worry so much about shoes? Do you realize that of all the things you wear - that's the one item that has the highest probability of coming in contact with real sh!t (I'm assuming basic hygiene from you when I make that assumption) and still you spend a week's worth of food money on shoes? Shoo away! High heels, pencil heels, slip ons, hooker boots - why o why o why do you need one of each variety. And it's not just one of each variety - it's one of each color in each variety. And it's not just one of each color of each variety - it's one of each brand in each color of each variety. Now come on! I agree that variety is the spice of life but do you really want your food to be that spicy????

Now let's analyze the second culprit - purses. Please don't get "purse-onal" here ladies. Think rationally. The objective of a purse is to HOLD money and NOT blow it. If a small engraved label at the corner of your purse makes you shed a couple of big greens then I'd say some one's taking you for a ride, woman. My wise dad always told me that if you ever wear something that's more valuable than you are, then a thug won't think twice before attacking you for that thing. So keep your purses light, crappy and empty - will ya?

And now sunglasses. You know why they are so bloody dark? Coz the moment you spend a fortune buying one of them you are no longer in a position to make eye contact with anyone. You know you are ashamed and the shades just help you hide the shame. Seriously. One sunglass is fine. Two is cool too. But twelve freaking sunglasses to go with every dress you have???? All I can say is "I've shade enough on this topic" (note to self - Abhi, your standard of puns is fast decreasing)!!!

Seriously. Look at us men. If we have a lot of money (I have no idea how that feeling is though) we buy cars. They take us from point A to point B. They move. They are big. They can hold a lot of purses. They can hold a lot of sunglasses. They can hold a lot of women with a lot of purses and sunglasses. That's what I call an investment. If we have even more money then we spend it on a house and we all know that these houses can hold many such cars!

I agree that occasionally we men have been known to spend a lot of money on alcohol but then if you're drunk enough, you reach a level so high where shoes, purses and all other things appear immaterial to you. That's us men. Ain't we deep?

Giving some direction to my posts :-)

Ok! It's time for one more rant! In the past few days I've ranted abt things that are specific to Punjabiz, Families and once in a while even the whole male or female population. But now it's time to discuss a topic that I feel is even more widespread than my earlier rants. I think it's something that all of us do. You know what? Maybe this is the common connection between all human beings. And what might this issue be? The inability to just accept that you don't know directions to a certain place. The saga beings.

Even if you are not as directionally challenged as me, I'm sure that you've asked someone or the other for directions at some point and I'm sure there have been several instances when these people were as clueless as you were abt your destination. But NEVER will you see people instantly telling you that they don't know. "I don't know," that's all they have to say. But that never happens.

The most popular gesture is when the asked person mentally calculates something. Sometimes the fingers join in as moving puppets to the thoughts. "Residency Road? Right? Well if that is Hosur Road and that is (long pondering pause) Vellara Junction then (now silence) ... then ... sorry, I have no idea!" What? Why couldn't you just tell me that earlier? I think somewhere down the line we feel that one has to be the most exquisite form of imbecile to be completely ignorant abt roads. Hence, we always put up a show before we accept defeat.

Sometimes things are even more fancy. The person concerned will call another friend of his. "Hey, man. Do you have any idea where the PVR Theatres are?" the hefty guy asks his friend who is eating lunch. The friend looks up and displays his expression of confusion but now it's his turn to put up a show. "PVR Theatres?" he asks again, with curd rice squirting out in joy. "What's showing there?" How does it matter what's showing there? I didnt ask you out for a date sir. It's just directions that I ask for.

To end this post I have to mention one more issue that I face and many of you might not have faced. I stay in a place with a fairly large local language speaking population who don't speak any English. Try asking them for directions. They always listen to you quietly and occasionally even repeat random words from your query - "BDA ... BDA ... Outer Ring Road" and after all that listening, they nod their heads and tell you "No Englees".

Why? Oh! Why? Oh!

What's for Dinner ??

I have mentioned movies aplenty on this blog; ranted incessantly abt men, women and animals; revealed some not-so-closely protected family secrets; & gushed sad tales of a reminiscing heart. So I was wondering abt stuff that I haven't touched here and realized that one such topic is FOOD!

Now, coming from a family where my dad once made tea with turmeric, this should be no mean surprise. I come from a family that, sans Mum, is "cullinarily challenged". My sis recently started making cakes. The hard dough-based substance that results from her attempts is already in high demand amongst neighborhood masons. They say it's nothing but another brick in the wall. So when I moved out of Mum's kitchen's reach, everyone, including me, was scared.

However, with time I've learnt some basic secrets abt cooking, which I shall now share:

1. No matter what I do, potato can never taste bad.

2. No matter what I do, salad can never taste good (unless of course I add potato to it).

3. People (this includes Mum) who begin teaching you a recipe by saying, "It's very simple, you first ... and then you ... and then ... and then ... and then ... " will never be of any help to you.

4. If everything else fails choose an apartment mate who is a worse cook - and thank Einstein for the theory of Relativity.

5. Never replace sour cream in a dish with fruit flavored yogurt. It's no longer a sweet situation.

6. Always have Maggi in the house - there's a high chance of all other options failing.

Shall end with a proof of point 4. Last year i almost shared accomodation with an apartment mate X ( Name changed for no aparent reason) X is a deemed bad cook. He once called up his home in a Delhi and said, "I just have potato and egg in the house. Is there anyway I can cook chicken?"

Bravo.

The Mystery Bag

I believe a few bored women read this blog to further increase their boredom.

I have a sincere plea to all of them - please explain to me the mystery of the little bag that women carry. For those who don't know what I am talking abt - a lot of women these days carry a small accompanying bag that doesn't look fit enuff for carrying anything of use. Yet, at least three-four times I have been amazed at the efficacy of "the bag".

You hurt your toe and ask the girl in front of you if she has a band aid in her bag and she will amaze you with a band aid and an anti-septic creme as well. You need to take down someone's contact info and you don't have a pen - so you ask the girl in front of you and she'll not only give you a pen but will also give you a little pad; mirror, make-up, towel, cell phones, spare clothes, half-eaten hamburger, shoes, half built house - you name it and it's there in that bag. How? How is it physically possible to think of anything you want and have it in that bag.

On the other hand I carry around a gigantic bag that carries my laptop and a whole bunch of stuff I don't use and every time I am in need for something I fall back to my friends from the fairer sex for their "bag". I need to unravel this mystery.

Help me!

The BOX of love

Suddenly flash backed the old times. People around me are wondering what to buy their cousins and brother's and girl friend's brothers and nephew's aunts. The probable list reads something like - Playstations, a high tech watch, DVD players and even a laptop. I was once small too (according to some people I haven't changed that much even now) and remember that when I was a kid one of my biggest attractions was the PENCIL BOX.

Remember them? People from my generation (24-30) will surely know what I'm talking abt. when we were young, pencil boxes used to be a major status statement in school. The most eye candy ones were the phone-shaped kinds. The stupid me used to think that owning one such thing would make people assume that I carried an actual phone. I even re'call' making a few fictional calls using my 3*8 delight. A close competitor of the "phone" was the "calculator". Equally big, equally fake and equally enthralling and convincing to the little mind. I remember that a plastic layer inside these boxes separated the pencils from the sharpeners and erasers. Peek inside along the edges, and you could surely spot some pencil leftovers. "How many times have I told you not to chew the rubber?" Mum would ask sternly. "How many times have I reminded you to sharpen your pencil next to the bin and not inside the box. The next time you do that I'll give you one of those cloth cases with a zipper running through it," she would threaten, reminding me of the classist hierarchy of pencildom.

Soon my mom elevated me to a new level of showmanship. The telephone was replaced by what was the "In Thing" then - double decker pencil boxes - the two storeyed spectacle. The box had two separate boxes placed on top of each other. The top had a cushiony feel and the coolest thing abt this masterpiece was a magnetic lock that the makers had introduced. "Do not mix up the color pencils with the writing pencils," mum would instruct tirelessly. I don't think she ever expected me to listen and I don't think I ever did. "And don't play with the magnet. You'll spoil it then."

Years passed and trends changed. I remember having a transparent pencil case, a three storeyed one, one shaped like a car and my personal favorite - a little unassuming box with a zillion trap doors; each popping out some new feature of the box - an eraser holder, an in-built sharpener, a pen stand etc. etc. etc.

What happened to that boy and his little desires???

The Indian Man's Sob Story

Face it - the Indian guy has it tough in the dating market. I was talking with a girl abt the perils of the Indian man in the dating game and she agreed. I told her that the English have their accent and the French have their knowledge of art, food and wine. The African American community is believed to be well endowed, while the Aussies get drunk famously. The Americans have money and the Chinese are better gadgeted than anybody else. The girl pointed out that Latin men are supposed to be great lovers. "Ah, sure! That too," I sighed. What do we Indian man have? Zilch! What's our strength? Zilch. What is it that makes us desirable to women all over the World? Zilch again.

Yup! Face it. We Indian men are at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing women. Our accents are - well - ahem - well - ahem. We aren't the tall, mane flowing breed either. Now there was a time when it was rumored that we men knew the Kamasutra inside out but it dint take them long to figure out that all that most Indian men knew abt sex is actually just - Inside and out. So what do we do? If you still don't believe me - let's be objective abt this. Let's take the three biggest strengths Indians have in the eyes of outsiders and judge ourselves - (i) we provide cheap outsourced labor (ii) we are good with spellings (yes, we Bharatiyas put the B in Spelling B) and (iii) we are good with math.

" Ab tera kya hoga re, Kaaliya "

...... and the training begins

I was discussing the "Indian marriage training preparation" with a friend and shall reproduce (with more spice sprinkled) parts of the conversation :)

The moment the Indian woman touches 23 and the man borders 25 the mothers call up their mothers. "Ladka bada ho gaya hai (the guy has grown up)" or "Ladki ke shaadi ke umar ho gayee hai (the girl is ready for the plunge)" is exchanged, a few congratulatory remarks are made and the "Great Indian Search" begins (trumpets roar in the background). The price of the boy is determined - "He has an MBA so we can demand a working girl", "His height is thoda less. So we will have to overplay the salary angle", "He used to play tennis so we can indeed call him an all rounder" - the parties decide. Similarly the girl's value is also determined in her house. "She can cook both Indian and Chinese. So that'll take care of her growing waistline. Plus we'll mention that she has joined that fitness club", "Don't forget to mention that we sent her to a convent. Guys really like that these days" - the aunts will add in their invaluable advice. A few warnings are also exchanged - "Don't tell the girl's family that Vijay had a girl friend. We'll play it safe and say we don't know and don't discus such things at home," the grandmother warns. After the family managers decide on the pricing and marketing strategy the product preparation begins:

For the girls.

1. Morning 8-9: Jogging and gentle cardio. "She has to look good in pants. You know naa that these days men like skinny women?" the aunt in salwar and sneakers monitoring the regimen declares.

2. Morning 10-12: culinary Workout. "Ok! You are frying it way too much. What will they think? That we dint teach you anything? Finish this fast. I will then teach you my special carrot pie after that. Your grandfather just tasted it once when he came to check me out and fell in love with me," the blushing and gloating grandmother announces.

3. Afternoon 3-5: Music lessons. "We have already told them that you have been singing for three years. Sing that Piya tohse song. It is very suggestive - if you know what I mean," the mother declares, giving up the last element of discretion.

4. Evening 7-8 (just before the ideal daughter-in-law TV serials begin): Knitting. "The guy's grandmom is coming too. Show her this piece. Tell her you made it. Don't worry. I'll teach you before marriage how to do it. Even though the cross stitch might be a little difficult," the grandmother says while maintaining the value of her role.

The guys don't have it easy either. They have their training program too.

1. Morning 9-Evening 5: That thing they call work. "So when do they let you know if you got promoted. Asst. Manager doesn't sound as good as Manager. Can we say Deputy instead of Assistant? It sounds better. I believe they already have another similar offer. I will recommend that you tell them that you are a manager. We will manage it later," the general manager of the house says.

2. Evening 11-12 (Just after the ideal daughter-in-law serials end): Feed the Male Ego. "Don't smile too much. They will think you have never seen a girl before. And when they bring the sweets take just one and don't go overboard praising it. Get it?" The father finally adds in. "Very true," the mother mentions. "And speak with an accent. They have already mentioned some three times that their daughter went to an English medium school. Show them that you are no less.

Shouldnt we just change the saying to read " Another one bites the trust " :-))

Oh Art - where have thou gone?

I think I've figured out what blogs essentially are - blogs are the restroom doors & walls of our times. Yes, I said it. Remember the time when a visit to the school or a college restroom would greet us with classic one liners and jokes carefully inscribed on the doors? Sometimes crude caricatures would accompany the text; telephone numbers of exes who left miles before the altar were found aplenty (many relationships started courtesy a pissed off lover and a lover who went to take a piss); I've even seen pathos-dripping poetry on those doors; and above all gibberish that made no sense. Sounds familiar? Yes!!! We've all seen blogs that touch on some or all of these categories (at least mine does). Need I say more??

With the advent of blogs, all of us now have a creative vent. Earlier the only way to release this dormant creative energy was to leave carvings on stinking bathroom walls & doors. But now the times are different. "Progressive" as many would term it. Now all we have to do is go to one of the free blogging services and Hola - we have our own lil toilet wall ready in minutes.

So I kept staring at the walls of a restroom i went to when i paid a visit to a city college, hoping to find something worthwhile on it. Hoping that some genius had left a piece of his mind out there to amuse me. Alas, there was nothing. Like Paris Hilton's closet of non-party clothes - it was all empty! A few stray occurrences of the word "Sex" appeared on the dirty green, but even that bored writer had given up midway. There were no cartoons, no one liners, no philosophies. Nothing funny to entertain me. Nothing worthwhile to plagiarize.

"All those folks must have started their own blogs," I said to myself. "I Better find them!"

The Games People Play !!!

One of my good friend has been fighting with her boyfriend. "Why?" I ask her. "Oh, no reason. It's no fault of his. But you should just scream at the man every now and then. It keeps them on their toes, you get some added respect and the apologies are always fun. What???? This is one of my very good friends talking ladies and gentleman and aghast is the word that comes to my mind.
I've always been a mere witness to the games between the two sexes and have been terrible at playing them myself. At best you can call me a good observer. Sometimes I've been an unwilling referee when two dating friends came up with "Ok! You tell us whose fault it is?" But when it comes to playing these games myself, I've always been at a loss of moves. And I don't think it's just me - I think that men in general are at a slight disadvantage when it comes to relationship games. I've seen some of my male friends play the marriage card successfully where the man emotionally blackmails the "by-then aged girlfriend" with the line "Give me few more years and I'll surely marry you." But that's all that I've seen the moustached sex do.
So I decided to list some of the classic moves women use (or at least I've seen them use) that completely unnerves men; makes them jittery; makes them rush for the closest bar or bathroom; makes them realize that the battle of the sexes is hardly a battle but more like an action movie climax - where you know who'll win but still watch it, just in search of possible novelty.
1. You have changed : Yes! A classic line that completely shocks men and women use it with such dexterity. Men have no idea what this means. Every now and then you see your lady love all serious and grumpy and on questioning her all you get is "You have changed." But that's it. There's never an accompanying explanation to how you've changed. So you are left with the dual task of figuring out how you've changed and how to redeem yourself and till you do that, the woman rules.
2. I'm having girl problems : Now please don't think that I'm an unsympathetic wretch. I know women and men are different (thank you high school for explaining things to me). All I'm saying is that men get very jittery when women use this line. Coz men have no idea what women go through at these times and they also have no idea how they'll react. So we get completely freaked out. One of my friends' girl friend used this line more often than he thought she should and EVERY time it gave him the shivers. Looking at them I knew she could get away with murder then (and trust me she did try it a few times on my friend). All I'm saying is that maybe even men should be given a day or two every year (JUST a day or two) when we can do stuff, and if questioned, bluntly reply "Man problems bonami, man problems!"
3. Nobody has ever treated me this way : (said best when you add a "not my mother, not my brother, not my ex ..." at the end). Another classic. Every man who has been in a relationship long enough hears these words at some point. And to be very honest it means nothing. For all you know it might be a good thing. Something like "You treat me so well, nobody has ever treated me this way." But NO. It never is. It always means something scary and men know that and the moment they hear it they know that it's apology time.
4. You don't love me any more : They should just ban this line. Or have something similar that men can use. For three years you could be cleaning her doormat. Forget doing it for one day and she'll tell you "You don't love me any more". If it's your bad day she'll even add No. 1 i.e. "You have changed." Aaaaaah!
5. You should learn something from XYZ (and XYZ is normally a close friend whom you dislike). That's it. This one freaks men out completely. Coz not only do you feel inadequate, you also feel threatened by XYZ. And women just love that.
Quite a few more techniques come to mind but this post is already too long and the women readers stopped reading quite a while back. I agree, I have changed a lot :)