Male friend groups are boring. Yess! I'm a man (or so I claim) and so by virtue of this fact I hang out a lot in "all male groups" and yesssss - WE ARE VERY BORING. There's very little variety in male friend groups. It's the same kind of characters and its the same kind of stuff that we do - there is either the "let's go and watch a movie" or the "wanna go to a bar and get drunk (with the false hope of getting laid)". These two stereotypes sum up all male friend groups. So unless I'm educated otherwise I think I don't need to provide any more proof to the boring quotient of maleus friendus.
Women on the other hand have the most amazing friend groups. Every group is different. And the diversity is not just across groups but within the group as well. There are so many unique characters in women friend groups. For example the "wannabe misfit"! She's easy to spot. Every female group has one of them. She's the girl who doesn't quite fit in to the group but always wanted to be a part of them. She is either the non party girl amidst a bunch of party freaks. Or she's the posing geek in a group of academics. She's always there. Go to a club and check out any of the groups of women who are dancing. Four hot women with very little clothes covering very little flesh. And right between them is the overdressed misfit (you can spot her coz she is clearly uncomfortable wearing what she is wearing and is either pulling her top up or skirt down to cover up). She would much rather be at home and watch Wheel of Fortune but NO. She wants to be the party girl and hence she accompanies her friends every week. She tries really hard to fit in. Every time the girls say "let's get drunk" she is the first one to gulp in the peg but BOY SHE HATES IT!! Occasionally she voices her true opinions. "Let's all sit and talk tonight," she would sheepishly suggest. But just then one of the other girls say "There is this really cute DJ playing in Siranos. Let's go there ..." and her voice gets lost is a deluge of affirmative screams.
And with every misfit in the group comes the mastah teacher. The girl who has been there, done that and taken others there too. Yeah yeah! They are easy to spot too. Often they are the reason why the misfits even manage to enter the groups. It's this one (or two) girls who always have some advice to offer. They are an insatiable resource of wisdom. "The secret to a man's heart is to not look at him." "All men are bastards." "I think you should dye your hair red." The teacher always has some advice to offer. And she IS a perfectionist. No matter how hard the misfit apprentice tries - the teacher is never satisfied. "I like what you have done to your hair BUT ... you should probably get a tan," she'll say.
Then there are the two girls who don't get along at all but still hang out in the group together. Hey, I have a sister. I've seen this happen in abundance. X calls Y and finds out that Z is joining them too for dinner. "Aaargh!" X X-claims. "Y does Z have to come?" she adds. "You know what she told W abt me right? She is such a back stabber." Fifteen minutes after the conversation finishes, Z and Y have an identical conversation. And yet X and Z love to hang out. To them the best part of the group is to gather ample things abt each other to bitch abt and take it up with Y. Nice :)
And there are so many others. The girl who always backs out last moment because "something urgent came up". The girl who always talks abt her boy friend who none of the other girls like. The girl who cries easy (even if you tell her that she is looking thin). They are all there. And they are the ones that make the female groups so much fun. Which is why you have Girls Night Outs. Which is why you have Sleepovers. Which is why you have Boyfriend criticism sessions (men never have these coz they are scared that some friend will go and leak the details to the women concerned).
So my sincere thanks to the innumerable women friend groups around us - for the sheer variety they provide. And some say that variety is spice. No wonder you gals are so hot!!!!
Peace!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Say cheeeeeeeeeeese !!!
I'm not one of those people who loves posing for photographs. For starters I look terrible in most photographs. Secondly, I look drunk in all my photographs (for a teetotaller that's not a compliment). And thirdly, my eyes are open in one out of ten photographs. Hence, I normally play the guy in the group who says "Go go. You guys stand. I'll take the photograph."
However, I have friends who love to be clicked. They carry a camera to every freakin place they visit. They want to capture every restaurant, house and lawn they've been to. Even public restrooms are not spared from their passion. They take the photographing bug to a different level altogether. Every event has to be captured twice. First they'll take a photograph of the golden moment themselves. Then they'll ask someone else to take the exact same picture but this time with them in it. Then they'll come and take a look at the just taken snap and sulk for twelve seconds before saying "hmmmm! the angle is not right, errrr, hmmmm ... do you mind taking another photograph?" and pose again. Quite the ordeal I'd say.
But seriously, with the advent of digital cameras, there's this whole new specie of photographers now. What used to be an art form is now a standard. My Grandpa had a Pentax camera which he took great pride in showing off. I was raised with the notion that you have to be a genius to even come near that device. Every snap he took was preceded by careful planning and a looooooong lecture ("No no. Chhotu .You are facing the light source the wrong way. One, two, three, smile, four, five, Chhotu move to the right, six, seven ...") During family get togethers, Grandpa would get only the very special level of treatment. All the family members would try to remain in his good books so that they got clicked a few extra times. Then there was always be the hoard of annoying children who'll follow him and somehow appear in every photograph that was taken. "Will you take one photograph of just me?" i'd plead. Sometimes he would agree. Other times he'd just press the flash (yeah, we were innocent enough to assume that a flash meant a photograph) to hush up the crying me. All in all, my Grandpa occupied a different pedigree, courtesy the shutter box he carried. Aaaah! The good times.
Then in mid eighties a company called Hot Shots came and spoiled it all for him. They advertised themselves as the common man's camera, one that everyone and anyone could use.
Still there was an element of mystique surrounding cameras. Once the photographs were taken, they would get sent to the studio for development. The whole process took two-three weeks. In that time people would wait in apprehension. Aunts who had taken their daughters all dressed up as future brides would queue up the moment the photographs appeared to see how well their damsels looked. The success of a group photograph could be gauged by how many "copies" of it was ordered.
And then ... then the digital camera arrived.Things changed again. Now people could take a snap, see what it looked like and take another snap pronto. Couples who were shy of even hugging for photographs, lest the creepy film developer keeps a copy of their intimate moment, now readily shot pics that would put playful bunnies to shame. If mp3s were what filled up the hard drives in the late 90s, then digital photographs became the major space occupier of the modern computer. People would have hundreds of carefully labelled folders of photographs, with names ranging from "Trip to Japan 2003" to "My new bathroom I, II and III".
You would think that would be it, right? You would think that as a generation we would be happy with a camera that allowed us to save thousands of images in it - right? But naaay! We greedy bastards wanted more. A lot more. And thus, some bright guy came up with the idea of adding a camera to a cell phone. And that did it. At least people were posing for a digital camera. But with the cell phone camera people started taking photographs of anything and everything they could see. "Darling I saw a dog pee on the road. It reminded me of you. So I took a snap and mailed it to you." "I'm watching Munnabhai again. Here is a snap of Sanjay Dutt standing ... here is a snap of him sitting down ... look, the guy next to me is wearing a red pant!!! Sorry it was a brown pant. Here, take another look at it ..." Yessss, that's the level of subjects we choose for our photographs now. It's no longer the wallpaper worthy flowers, or the Shhhhh! saying baby or even your smiling girlfriend. The subject of modern photographs range from dog poop to fornicating love birds ... and that's not what is scary ... what's scary is the question "What next???"
Coming Next: What people do when they get their photographs taken!!
However, I have friends who love to be clicked. They carry a camera to every freakin place they visit. They want to capture every restaurant, house and lawn they've been to. Even public restrooms are not spared from their passion. They take the photographing bug to a different level altogether. Every event has to be captured twice. First they'll take a photograph of the golden moment themselves. Then they'll ask someone else to take the exact same picture but this time with them in it. Then they'll come and take a look at the just taken snap and sulk for twelve seconds before saying "hmmmm! the angle is not right, errrr, hmmmm ... do you mind taking another photograph?" and pose again. Quite the ordeal I'd say.
But seriously, with the advent of digital cameras, there's this whole new specie of photographers now. What used to be an art form is now a standard. My Grandpa had a Pentax camera which he took great pride in showing off. I was raised with the notion that you have to be a genius to even come near that device. Every snap he took was preceded by careful planning and a looooooong lecture ("No no. Chhotu .You are facing the light source the wrong way. One, two, three, smile, four, five, Chhotu move to the right, six, seven ...") During family get togethers, Grandpa would get only the very special level of treatment. All the family members would try to remain in his good books so that they got clicked a few extra times. Then there was always be the hoard of annoying children who'll follow him and somehow appear in every photograph that was taken. "Will you take one photograph of just me?" i'd plead. Sometimes he would agree. Other times he'd just press the flash (yeah, we were innocent enough to assume that a flash meant a photograph) to hush up the crying me. All in all, my Grandpa occupied a different pedigree, courtesy the shutter box he carried. Aaaah! The good times.
Then in mid eighties a company called Hot Shots came and spoiled it all for him. They advertised themselves as the common man's camera, one that everyone and anyone could use.
Still there was an element of mystique surrounding cameras. Once the photographs were taken, they would get sent to the studio for development. The whole process took two-three weeks. In that time people would wait in apprehension. Aunts who had taken their daughters all dressed up as future brides would queue up the moment the photographs appeared to see how well their damsels looked. The success of a group photograph could be gauged by how many "copies" of it was ordered.
And then ... then the digital camera arrived.Things changed again. Now people could take a snap, see what it looked like and take another snap pronto. Couples who were shy of even hugging for photographs, lest the creepy film developer keeps a copy of their intimate moment, now readily shot pics that would put playful bunnies to shame. If mp3s were what filled up the hard drives in the late 90s, then digital photographs became the major space occupier of the modern computer. People would have hundreds of carefully labelled folders of photographs, with names ranging from "Trip to Japan 2003" to "My new bathroom I, II and III".
You would think that would be it, right? You would think that as a generation we would be happy with a camera that allowed us to save thousands of images in it - right? But naaay! We greedy bastards wanted more. A lot more. And thus, some bright guy came up with the idea of adding a camera to a cell phone. And that did it. At least people were posing for a digital camera. But with the cell phone camera people started taking photographs of anything and everything they could see. "Darling I saw a dog pee on the road. It reminded me of you. So I took a snap and mailed it to you." "I'm watching Munnabhai again. Here is a snap of Sanjay Dutt standing ... here is a snap of him sitting down ... look, the guy next to me is wearing a red pant!!! Sorry it was a brown pant. Here, take another look at it ..." Yessss, that's the level of subjects we choose for our photographs now. It's no longer the wallpaper worthy flowers, or the Shhhhh! saying baby or even your smiling girlfriend. The subject of modern photographs range from dog poop to fornicating love birds ... and that's not what is scary ... what's scary is the question "What next???"
Coming Next: What people do when they get their photographs taken!!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Forgive me my love..... oh blog!
I almost feel like I'm cheating the few remaining dedicated readers of this blog by my prolonged absence. As I sat down to write a new post, I imagined what it would be like if this blog was a woman that I was dating.
"You don't spend any time with me anymore," she'd tell me.
"Baba, you know how busy I've been, right?" I'd say without blinking.
"So what? Are you trying to say that you weren't busy a year back? Even then you worked late in the night. But I never felt neglected. You would always find time to visit me at least once a day. And don't even get me started abt the early phase of our relationship. There were days when you would come and meet me twice ... maybe even surprise me with an occasional third visit. I haven't forgotten anything Mr. Abhimanyu Arora (I'll never understand why women say the full name when they are angry)"
Deep down I'd know that the blog is right. So I would use every man's solitary defense technique for these moments.
"Hey, it's quality vs. quantity dear. Look at some of the stuff I gave you then. Posts on all sorts of inane topics ... dogs, crap and stick figures, what not ... but now I offer you nothing but the best that I have to offer."
"I don't care," she would cut me short. At this point one can smell the prelude to a tear drop. Now tear drops are super critical in relationships. A single drop of tear can turn the tides. From what was a well placed debate between two individuals would quickly morph into a one sided melodrama. So I try to stop her from saying anything further.
"You know what you mean to me. You stayed by my side when everyone else left me. I remember those times when I would sit all alone at home waiting to spend some time with you. You were my window to the outside World dear."
"Yess. I know," she would agree instantly. "And now you don't need that window anymore, right? New doors have opened and the window seems too small for you, huh? Don't think that I don't know what is happening!! It's those kiddie blogs of twenty something young girls from Mumbai right? That's what you want to go for now, right? My mature musings are too mundane for you, right? Go. I won't stop you. But remember, some day those blogs will all disappear, and you WILL come back to me. But maybe I won't be waiting for you then. Maybe I'll be with someone else. Maybe abhimanyuarora.blogspot.com will be a commercial blog offering cheap Rollex watches then. As if you care."
In these tender moments men can do one of two things - continue being rational and prolong the argument OR just accept the fault and make promises so tall that they would make an NBA basketball player look like a dwarf. I speak from experience friends - option one is not the "Sahi Jawab." As tempted as you might be to follow the path of logistics - refrain!
"Ok. Ok. I AM SORRY!"
"I don't want to hear your sorry. Go. Go and create a new blog with fancy sidebars and design templates and spend time with it. (At this point she starts crying profusely and you really want to tell her that glug flowing from the nose to the mouth is not a pleasant sight). Go away. I don't want to see you anymore. I will deactivate comments. That way you will never hear from me or anyone else who cares abt me."
"One chance baby, just one chance," I'll plead. "From now I shall visit you at least twice a week. Irrespective of however much work I have. I'll even reply to every comment that you make. Now forgive your Coochie Pooochie. Come on. You know you like me. We make such a great team. So many people like us. Give me one more chance honey bun*."
And then she smiled; a smile that put several other smiles to shame. And she came and hugged me while wiping her flowing glug on my new shirt.
Seriously, I will be more regular with my blogging from now :)
* Honey Bun (n) - Term meaning "my sweet dough". Was put to use by senseless romantics in the late twentieth century. Was responsible for single handedly reducing the IQ of a generation by 5%.
"You don't spend any time with me anymore," she'd tell me.
"Baba, you know how busy I've been, right?" I'd say without blinking.
"So what? Are you trying to say that you weren't busy a year back? Even then you worked late in the night. But I never felt neglected. You would always find time to visit me at least once a day. And don't even get me started abt the early phase of our relationship. There were days when you would come and meet me twice ... maybe even surprise me with an occasional third visit. I haven't forgotten anything Mr. Abhimanyu Arora (I'll never understand why women say the full name when they are angry)"
Deep down I'd know that the blog is right. So I would use every man's solitary defense technique for these moments.
"Hey, it's quality vs. quantity dear. Look at some of the stuff I gave you then. Posts on all sorts of inane topics ... dogs, crap and stick figures, what not ... but now I offer you nothing but the best that I have to offer."
"I don't care," she would cut me short. At this point one can smell the prelude to a tear drop. Now tear drops are super critical in relationships. A single drop of tear can turn the tides. From what was a well placed debate between two individuals would quickly morph into a one sided melodrama. So I try to stop her from saying anything further.
"You know what you mean to me. You stayed by my side when everyone else left me. I remember those times when I would sit all alone at home waiting to spend some time with you. You were my window to the outside World dear."
"Yess. I know," she would agree instantly. "And now you don't need that window anymore, right? New doors have opened and the window seems too small for you, huh? Don't think that I don't know what is happening!! It's those kiddie blogs of twenty something young girls from Mumbai right? That's what you want to go for now, right? My mature musings are too mundane for you, right? Go. I won't stop you. But remember, some day those blogs will all disappear, and you WILL come back to me. But maybe I won't be waiting for you then. Maybe I'll be with someone else. Maybe abhimanyuarora.blogspot.com will be a commercial blog offering cheap Rollex watches then. As if you care."
In these tender moments men can do one of two things - continue being rational and prolong the argument OR just accept the fault and make promises so tall that they would make an NBA basketball player look like a dwarf. I speak from experience friends - option one is not the "Sahi Jawab." As tempted as you might be to follow the path of logistics - refrain!
"Ok. Ok. I AM SORRY!"
"I don't want to hear your sorry. Go. Go and create a new blog with fancy sidebars and design templates and spend time with it. (At this point she starts crying profusely and you really want to tell her that glug flowing from the nose to the mouth is not a pleasant sight). Go away. I don't want to see you anymore. I will deactivate comments. That way you will never hear from me or anyone else who cares abt me."
"One chance baby, just one chance," I'll plead. "From now I shall visit you at least twice a week. Irrespective of however much work I have. I'll even reply to every comment that you make. Now forgive your Coochie Pooochie. Come on. You know you like me. We make such a great team. So many people like us. Give me one more chance honey bun*."
And then she smiled; a smile that put several other smiles to shame. And she came and hugged me while wiping her flowing glug on my new shirt.
Seriously, I will be more regular with my blogging from now :)
* Honey Bun (n) - Term meaning "my sweet dough". Was put to use by senseless romantics in the late twentieth century. Was responsible for single handedly reducing the IQ of a generation by 5%.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Not a Big Deal !!!
For starters, I suck at bargaining. I just CAN'T bargain. To make matters worse, I grew up shopping with a mom and sister who somehow thought that bargaining was the national pastime of India. So I've spent many a days hearing newly opened shop owners explaining it to my mom that she couldn't have been a "regular patron for years". My sister has taken the practice to an all new level where she applies psychological techniques to choose her victims. "This guy is young. So I'll try the whole sweet 'hey, I'm buying this with my pocket money' angle" vs. "This guy is older and looks like a lesser scumbag and so I'll call him 'bhaiya' angle" - Sissy has tried to teach me.
Obviously, being a male and fairly expressionless nullifies the appropriateness of either of these approaches for me. So occasionally I just try to sound authoritative and say, "No way. That's way too much!" and wait for some kind of magical discount to be offered. Sometimes this makes the situation even more tricky coz the dealer backfires with "How much are you willing to pay?" Now, if you're like me, you'll have no freaking idea to what a good price for the item is. I am in Bangalore for the 2nd year now & come December i wanted to buy a Santa Claus hat . The night before Christmas, I was roaming around on the bike with my wife when I spotted this guy selling these hats on the road. So I stopped and asked him, "How much for a hat?"
"Hundred rupees," the guy said.
"That's way too much," I feigned an authoritative tone.
"Aap kitna dengey (How much will you pay)?" he fired back.
Ahaaa! Exactly what I hate. Suddenly the seller and all the other customers were looking at me. From an unsure customer I had become the star of the show and I had to perform. I knew I had to say something and I knew I had to say it fast.
"Seventy five rupees," I finally said, putting on a "been there done that" expression on my face.
"Ok! Take it," the guy said without blinking.
What? Obviously I got duped. Nobody would have sold off a hat without putting up a fight if my quote had been remotely competitive. But I had no idea what an intelligent guess would've been. I'd never bought a Santa Hat for myself. So how was I supposed to know? I couldn't have just fired back with, "Nope! Won't pay you seventy five. How abt fifty then?" Everybody around us who were already convinced that I was idiot would then think that I wore a matching mask of stupidity as well.
As you can see, I haven't forgotten the incident till date ( Yes, the incident happened yesterday & well today is today. The date has changed since yesterday & hence its grammatically & politically correct to say ' that i havent forgotten the incident todate ). What is more scary is that I haven't learned anything from it either.
Does any kind soul reading this have any "quick tips" on the "art of bargaining"?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Profundity at Work
This came up in a conversation sometime last week at office and shows my deep insightful philosophical side :)
"I don't mind doing anything new as long as you don't ask me to do something I haven't done before."
Obviously, being a male and fairly expressionless nullifies the appropriateness of either of these approaches for me. So occasionally I just try to sound authoritative and say, "No way. That's way too much!" and wait for some kind of magical discount to be offered. Sometimes this makes the situation even more tricky coz the dealer backfires with "How much are you willing to pay?" Now, if you're like me, you'll have no freaking idea to what a good price for the item is. I am in Bangalore for the 2nd year now & come December i wanted to buy a Santa Claus hat . The night before Christmas, I was roaming around on the bike with my wife when I spotted this guy selling these hats on the road. So I stopped and asked him, "How much for a hat?"
"Hundred rupees," the guy said.
"That's way too much," I feigned an authoritative tone.
"Aap kitna dengey (How much will you pay)?" he fired back.
Ahaaa! Exactly what I hate. Suddenly the seller and all the other customers were looking at me. From an unsure customer I had become the star of the show and I had to perform. I knew I had to say something and I knew I had to say it fast.
"Seventy five rupees," I finally said, putting on a "been there done that" expression on my face.
"Ok! Take it," the guy said without blinking.
What? Obviously I got duped. Nobody would have sold off a hat without putting up a fight if my quote had been remotely competitive. But I had no idea what an intelligent guess would've been. I'd never bought a Santa Hat for myself. So how was I supposed to know? I couldn't have just fired back with, "Nope! Won't pay you seventy five. How abt fifty then?" Everybody around us who were already convinced that I was idiot would then think that I wore a matching mask of stupidity as well.
As you can see, I haven't forgotten the incident till date ( Yes, the incident happened yesterday & well today is today. The date has changed since yesterday & hence its grammatically & politically correct to say ' that i havent forgotten the incident todate ). What is more scary is that I haven't learned anything from it either.
Does any kind soul reading this have any "quick tips" on the "art of bargaining"?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Profundity at Work
This came up in a conversation sometime last week at office and shows my deep insightful philosophical side :)
"I don't mind doing anything new as long as you don't ask me to do something I haven't done before."
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The Questionary Number Paradox
Over the past few days I've been privy to some very amusing relationship tit bits and it has reaffirmed a long held opinion of mine - before marriage men have lots of relationships and women mostly have none ... or so they say.
Seriously, ask ANY unmarried man if he's had any relationships in the past. To us it's a vanity number. Ages back it was the moustache that defined the man, but now it's the number of women they can call their "girl friend". I've seen friends of mine mention "relationships" that lasted two group dinners and a refused telephone number exchange :) It's not too far fetched to imagine this conversation for a man:
Man: Will you be my lover?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Will you at least sleep with me?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Can we be just friends?
Woman: Nah!
Man: *I think she secretly likes me and is playing hard to get. Good. One more to my list. Now I have dated ten women.*
Hence men (and I've been accused of this too) flash back to stories abt their exes. Number One did this, Number Two didn't do this, Number Three might have done this ... :) That's us. Virility is no longer abt sperm count ... it's the ex count that puts the ex in sex for us :)
HOWEVER, women are very different. Chastity is the order of the day for the ladies. Ask a girl, "Were you and X dating?" "Dating? We barely knew each other *for ten years*" In my limited experience, women adopt a much milder tone when it comes to classifying past paramours. "Friends" takes the cake most of the times, often appended with a "good" to give a slightly elevated value; sometimes they say "we almost dated" and occasionally they'll gush out a "yeah! We dated briefly BUT IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS".
To sum it up, I propose the questionary number paradox - if every single man has dated ten single women and every single woman has never dated a single man then something is wrong ... hmmm!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I wonder, ponder & finally surrender :
In most of my fights with my wife I always had the last word ... and it was normally "Sorry!"
Seriously, ask ANY unmarried man if he's had any relationships in the past. To us it's a vanity number. Ages back it was the moustache that defined the man, but now it's the number of women they can call their "girl friend". I've seen friends of mine mention "relationships" that lasted two group dinners and a refused telephone number exchange :) It's not too far fetched to imagine this conversation for a man:
Man: Will you be my lover?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Will you at least sleep with me?
Woman: Nah!
Man: Can we be just friends?
Woman: Nah!
Man: *I think she secretly likes me and is playing hard to get. Good. One more to my list. Now I have dated ten women.*
Hence men (and I've been accused of this too) flash back to stories abt their exes. Number One did this, Number Two didn't do this, Number Three might have done this ... :) That's us. Virility is no longer abt sperm count ... it's the ex count that puts the ex in sex for us :)
HOWEVER, women are very different. Chastity is the order of the day for the ladies. Ask a girl, "Were you and X dating?" "Dating? We barely knew each other *for ten years*" In my limited experience, women adopt a much milder tone when it comes to classifying past paramours. "Friends" takes the cake most of the times, often appended with a "good" to give a slightly elevated value; sometimes they say "we almost dated" and occasionally they'll gush out a "yeah! We dated briefly BUT IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS".
To sum it up, I propose the questionary number paradox - if every single man has dated ten single women and every single woman has never dated a single man then something is wrong ... hmmm!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I wonder, ponder & finally surrender :
In most of my fights with my wife I always had the last word ... and it was normally "Sorry!"
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Bone of contention !!!
Please explain this to me - what's so cute abt dogs???? I don't dislike dogs (even though they seem to bear some dislike towards me and have expressed it in terms of emotions ranging from barking to using me as a lamp post). However, I do turn a mild shade of envious green every now and then courtesy the barking specie.
Today, on my way back from lunch outside, I noticed a little crowd around a pillar. A little brown dog was tied to it and a wide range of people had gathered around the pillar to exchange "Wow!", "Ooooooooh!", "Awwwwwee! Shoooooo shueeet!" and the likes. This is not the first time that I saw such a scene but it was probably the first time that I took time out to evaluate the whole situation ... and, well, I failed to fathom any bit of it. I tried to imagine myself tied to a pillar, on all four limbs, with a leash around my neck, maybe even with very little clothing on, and also imagined the kind of reaction that I'd evoke in all likelihood.
"Oh! finally they chained him. Good!" I can imagine bystanders saying.
"They should have done it a lot earlier." Another one would add in.
"He looks a lot thinner with his shirt on!!"
Seriously. I can't imagine anybody stopping and offering me food. I can't imagine anybody using sugary superlatives for me. I can't imagine anybody asking the person standing next to me how old I was or whether they owned me. (On a separate note, have you noticed how everybody assumes that the person standing closest to the dog is the owner? i have often contemplated just standing next to a tied dog and claiming its ownership, just to strike random conversations.) Bottomline, I don't have an iota of doubt that a tied and underfed me would evoke very little sympathy and love from people.
So what else could it be? Is it the fact that they are furry?? Do people like to see naked furry creatures. I instantly imagined Anil Kapoor, all naked, tied to a lamp post. Naaaaaa! I wouldn't be very thrilled to see that and correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think too many others would either. For that matter, I'll pay NOT to see that.
So what else could it be? Do we find their wet nose endearing? Then how come when I have a cold, people shy away from me? How come no one that I know of would find me cute if I tried to smell my own buttock? Dogs (and almost all other pets) never brush their teeth and one of the first things that women do when they spot a dog, is go right in front of their mouth and do the whole "Uuuuuju bujjjuuuu" garble act. These are the same women who ask you early in the morning when you sweetly offer them breakfast ( or for that matter before sleeping in the night) - "Have you brushed your teeth? Have you brushed your teeth? Have you ..."
And to make matters really bad, the other day I saw two dog owners taking their dogs out on a walk. While the two men exchanged pleasantries abt how the weekend was going to be spent, the two canines vigorously tried to engage in acts of sexual pleasure. Acts that would scandalize any man, woman, child or Samit Basu's Eric Seagull. And yet, the two men were highly amused by this and commented on how this was soo funny. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Many Indian kids are a lot more sexually frustrated compared to domesticated dogs. Have you ever seen two such kids on the road with their respective parents, trying to grope each other, with their parents saying - "Oh! Mrs. Kapur, it's so funny to see them kiss and fondle. We should do this every more often!"
I give up!
Today, on my way back from lunch outside, I noticed a little crowd around a pillar. A little brown dog was tied to it and a wide range of people had gathered around the pillar to exchange "Wow!", "Ooooooooh!", "Awwwwwee! Shoooooo shueeet!" and the likes. This is not the first time that I saw such a scene but it was probably the first time that I took time out to evaluate the whole situation ... and, well, I failed to fathom any bit of it. I tried to imagine myself tied to a pillar, on all four limbs, with a leash around my neck, maybe even with very little clothing on, and also imagined the kind of reaction that I'd evoke in all likelihood.
"Oh! finally they chained him. Good!" I can imagine bystanders saying.
"They should have done it a lot earlier." Another one would add in.
"He looks a lot thinner with his shirt on!!"
Seriously. I can't imagine anybody stopping and offering me food. I can't imagine anybody using sugary superlatives for me. I can't imagine anybody asking the person standing next to me how old I was or whether they owned me. (On a separate note, have you noticed how everybody assumes that the person standing closest to the dog is the owner? i have often contemplated just standing next to a tied dog and claiming its ownership, just to strike random conversations.) Bottomline, I don't have an iota of doubt that a tied and underfed me would evoke very little sympathy and love from people.
So what else could it be? Is it the fact that they are furry?? Do people like to see naked furry creatures. I instantly imagined Anil Kapoor, all naked, tied to a lamp post. Naaaaaa! I wouldn't be very thrilled to see that and correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think too many others would either. For that matter, I'll pay NOT to see that.
So what else could it be? Do we find their wet nose endearing? Then how come when I have a cold, people shy away from me? How come no one that I know of would find me cute if I tried to smell my own buttock? Dogs (and almost all other pets) never brush their teeth and one of the first things that women do when they spot a dog, is go right in front of their mouth and do the whole "Uuuuuju bujjjuuuu" garble act. These are the same women who ask you early in the morning when you sweetly offer them breakfast ( or for that matter before sleeping in the night) - "Have you brushed your teeth? Have you brushed your teeth? Have you ..."
And to make matters really bad, the other day I saw two dog owners taking their dogs out on a walk. While the two men exchanged pleasantries abt how the weekend was going to be spent, the two canines vigorously tried to engage in acts of sexual pleasure. Acts that would scandalize any man, woman, child or Samit Basu's Eric Seagull. And yet, the two men were highly amused by this and commented on how this was soo funny. Correct me if I'm wrong here. Many Indian kids are a lot more sexually frustrated compared to domesticated dogs. Have you ever seen two such kids on the road with their respective parents, trying to grope each other, with their parents saying - "Oh! Mrs. Kapur, it's so funny to see them kiss and fondle. We should do this every more often!"
I give up!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
A Cut to the Chase !!!
"Haircuts!! Oh haircuts! What a pain in the rear side you art." I think Billy Shakespeare said that in some classic play. Ooops. It wasn't the bard. I think I just said that line instead. Seriously. Oh dear haircuts, what a scene maker you are!
I admire (or maybe envy) women for their haircutting ease. They know exactly what they want. I was once accidentally allowed inside a women's beauty parlour where my sister had gone for a haircut and I was awestruck by the preciseness of her requirements. "A step cut ... till here (gesticulating a point below her shoulder) ... I'll also get highlights ... blah blah shade ... only this part out here (once again using extremely precise gesticulation) ..." Wow! I said to myself. Boy, does my lil sissy know what she wants. As a man I'm always at a loss of words when I enter the barber's shop. Let me elaborate.
See the biggest problem with men is that they are not very sure what they exactly want. Like I know I want my hair spiky. But I'm scared to tell my barber that. "I'd like to get a cut that helps me keep my hair spiky ..." "What kind of spikes?" he cuts me short. "What?? They have kinds of spikes? When did that happen?" Darn! There goes that adventure. So I give in to my standard "Cool. Just cut it short then" routine and he readily obliges.
Occasionally we know exactly what we want. It's that thing So and So actor did in So and So movie. I know. But then as member of the group of men who are always insecure abt revealing that they are aware of any kind of style, I too am embarrassed to ever make the statement "I want a cut like blah blah did in that cool movie." So once again I put my creativity into play and try to describe what exactly I think the cut is like and the result is disastrous more often than not. For example if I try to tell them that I want my jute like hair cut like Shahrukh Khan's in some movie (Oh come on all you men, you must have wanted some SRK hair style at some point), I end up saying "Well ... err ... I'd like to keep it ruffled but ... err a lil spiky as well ... like err ... well ... you know ... errr ... you know what, just make it short"!!!!
The funny part is that the barber's always try to help us out by having a chart of different hairstyles on their wall. This kinda seems to be a Universal trend intended to alleviate the aforementioned problems. You know what I'm talking abt, right? That strange collection of extremely happy looking guys in all sorts of hairdos. Personally speaking, I feel, that these models are normally friends or relatives of the Barber himself. Seriously! Do you think any professional model ever wants to be a hair style model whose only moment of fame is on walls of barber shops??? But that's a separate story! For now let's go back to my plight - have you seen these charts? They all seem to be from the seventies. They all have that one gleeful guy who sports the erstwhile Govinda look. Ahem! Ahem! Now I know I'm not that young ... but Govinda is still old enough to be my father (or at least my uncle)!!!
There are other things that men have to deal with abt hair cuts that women don't have to deal with I guess. For example the whole after the haircut show the back of your neck using a mirror routine. I've got myself haircuts in quite a few places around the World and they all do this. Just before they are done, they bring a mirror and hold it close to your neck and you are supposed to see the mirror in the other mirror and pass on some compliments or at least acknowledge a job well done by giving a gracious nod. No seriously. What's that whole routine for? Have you ever seen any guy who has said "No that's not what I wanted with the hair on my neck!!" Coz by the time they show you the mirror - the haircut is done. It's not like the hair that you can see during the cut and actively give suggestions abt. I must have seen a few thousand men go through this act and not even once have I seen anybody complain after this whole two-mirror routine. You know why? Coz we don't have a freakin frame of reference. What are we comparing this too? Do we really care? You must have heard men express their dissatisfaction abt the haircut in front ."No, I want it a lil shorter here" or "I want the side burns trimmed thinner" etc. But have you ever seen a man who said anything after the two-mirror routine? NO! Coz we do not care. I think the whole thing is a marketing gimmick. That way the barber always ends the cut with us feeling that we have nothing to complain abt.
Hmmmm!Such hair raising stories these are!!
I admire (or maybe envy) women for their haircutting ease. They know exactly what they want. I was once accidentally allowed inside a women's beauty parlour where my sister had gone for a haircut and I was awestruck by the preciseness of her requirements. "A step cut ... till here (gesticulating a point below her shoulder) ... I'll also get highlights ... blah blah shade ... only this part out here (once again using extremely precise gesticulation) ..." Wow! I said to myself. Boy, does my lil sissy know what she wants. As a man I'm always at a loss of words when I enter the barber's shop. Let me elaborate.
See the biggest problem with men is that they are not very sure what they exactly want. Like I know I want my hair spiky. But I'm scared to tell my barber that. "I'd like to get a cut that helps me keep my hair spiky ..." "What kind of spikes?" he cuts me short. "What?? They have kinds of spikes? When did that happen?" Darn! There goes that adventure. So I give in to my standard "Cool. Just cut it short then" routine and he readily obliges.
Occasionally we know exactly what we want. It's that thing So and So actor did in So and So movie. I know. But then as member of the group of men who are always insecure abt revealing that they are aware of any kind of style, I too am embarrassed to ever make the statement "I want a cut like blah blah did in that cool movie." So once again I put my creativity into play and try to describe what exactly I think the cut is like and the result is disastrous more often than not. For example if I try to tell them that I want my jute like hair cut like Shahrukh Khan's in some movie (Oh come on all you men, you must have wanted some SRK hair style at some point), I end up saying "Well ... err ... I'd like to keep it ruffled but ... err a lil spiky as well ... like err ... well ... you know ... errr ... you know what, just make it short"!!!!
The funny part is that the barber's always try to help us out by having a chart of different hairstyles on their wall. This kinda seems to be a Universal trend intended to alleviate the aforementioned problems. You know what I'm talking abt, right? That strange collection of extremely happy looking guys in all sorts of hairdos. Personally speaking, I feel, that these models are normally friends or relatives of the Barber himself. Seriously! Do you think any professional model ever wants to be a hair style model whose only moment of fame is on walls of barber shops??? But that's a separate story! For now let's go back to my plight - have you seen these charts? They all seem to be from the seventies. They all have that one gleeful guy who sports the erstwhile Govinda look. Ahem! Ahem! Now I know I'm not that young ... but Govinda is still old enough to be my father (or at least my uncle)!!!
There are other things that men have to deal with abt hair cuts that women don't have to deal with I guess. For example the whole after the haircut show the back of your neck using a mirror routine. I've got myself haircuts in quite a few places around the World and they all do this. Just before they are done, they bring a mirror and hold it close to your neck and you are supposed to see the mirror in the other mirror and pass on some compliments or at least acknowledge a job well done by giving a gracious nod. No seriously. What's that whole routine for? Have you ever seen any guy who has said "No that's not what I wanted with the hair on my neck!!" Coz by the time they show you the mirror - the haircut is done. It's not like the hair that you can see during the cut and actively give suggestions abt. I must have seen a few thousand men go through this act and not even once have I seen anybody complain after this whole two-mirror routine. You know why? Coz we don't have a freakin frame of reference. What are we comparing this too? Do we really care? You must have heard men express their dissatisfaction abt the haircut in front ."No, I want it a lil shorter here" or "I want the side burns trimmed thinner" etc. But have you ever seen a man who said anything after the two-mirror routine? NO! Coz we do not care. I think the whole thing is a marketing gimmick. That way the barber always ends the cut with us feeling that we have nothing to complain abt.
Hmmmm!Such hair raising stories these are!!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
My Homage to those who went unmentioned !!!
A lot of times when I'm talking to someone or when I'm traveling, I get these funny thoughts that I feel are blog-mention-worthy. Later when I sit down in the morning to put something on my blog I often wonder what those ideas were. At times all I remember is that some of them were very funny (to me) and amusing (to me again) but then the volatility of my memory prevents me from inflicting them (on you). Sometimes they come back at a later stage and express their grudge at not getting their deserving web space and I assure them that I'll pay them their dues. However, like all men I falter - my words alter - thoughts saunter.
So this post is dedicated to all those blog posts that I wanted to make but forgot. Interestingly enough, the idea for this post struck me yesterday afternoon and I remembered it till now - see, I'm indeed learning from my mistakes.
"Ghadi ghadi drama karta hai sala," a thought whispers in my head. I know it's a line taken from the Big B classic Sholay. However, I don't protest!
So this post is dedicated to all those blog posts that I wanted to make but forgot. Interestingly enough, the idea for this post struck me yesterday afternoon and I remembered it till now - see, I'm indeed learning from my mistakes.
"Ghadi ghadi drama karta hai sala," a thought whispers in my head. I know it's a line taken from the Big B classic Sholay. However, I don't protest!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Out-dated..... or should i call Out-witted !!!
I have been reading a few blogs lately which have been written by friends from the opposite sex.... while most of them are die-hard feminists, one of them out smarts them all. Recently she wrote a post in which she lists out top ten ways in which men can spoil a date. I must confess that she does a great job in capturing the male behavior. But alas you get to see just one side of the story. Think abt what's going on in the male mind. Agreed that as long as the woman in front is a woman, the man will be pretty happy. But the woman sure CAN make things difficult for the male specie. So here it goes. Top five ways in which women can spoil a date for a man. (why five and not ten you ask? Well simple, coz I write excruciatingly loooong posts and want to spare you the trouble).
1. She makes you wait and wait and wait and wait ... And it's not just the wait. It's the way they build up the whole wait that bugs men the most. The feeling that the wait it almost over and ... and ... and ... more wait. So you drive all the way to the other end of the city to pick her up and she told you that she'll be ready at 6:30 pm SHARP. You ring the bell and she opens it hastily and says "Give me JUST ONE MORE MINUTE!" And then she disappears. The seconds hand of your watch makes a twenty second round of the circumference and still she doesn't come back. Ten minutes later she comes and says, "I'm soooo sorry. My friend called me up just before you came and her ..." You cut her short with the contrived smile and say "No problem. Take your time." And she does. She disappears again and returns fifteen minutes later looking exactly the way she did when she opened the door first. Please freakin explain it to me what feat was accomplished in this time period. Anyway, that was techniqo UNO in which women can spoil a date even before it starts.
2. Spend an hour deciding what she wants to eat. Men always know what they want to eat. We don't think twice and we DON'T mix food varieties. Our answer is always "Chinese" or "Indian" or "Pizza" or whatever - but it is always one word. For all you know we even have a restaurant in our mind and if the guy is like me - he even has the menu chalked out. But then we are gentlemen and we ask the fairer sex what they want and there begins round two of the wait. "You know what I feel like eating? I'm in a very Pizza-ish mood ... but I also want to have this amaaaaaaaaaazingggggg chocolate ice cream they sell in this shop on the other side of the city ... Actually you know what'll be great? My friend went to SOME Japanese restaurant where the sushi was great ..." Yup! Date spoiling technique Deux.
3. Have another appointment for the same evening. Ladies - this is a simple dating rule - when you go out on a date you JUST go out on a date. Don't start with, "I have to be back home in two hours. Coz my friend's sister is getting married and her fiancee ..." That aint fair o fairer sex. When a man goes out with a woman he hopes at the bottom of his heart that something exciting will happen at the end of the night. And for that he is willing to wait for years if need be. Ask your male date if he is willing to accompany you to the other end of the country and say that with a wink and he WILL accompany you there - with nothing but a faint hope in his heart. That's how desperate my specie is. So please return the favor by keeping the date "other engagement free"!
4. Eating the other person's food. This is another female classic. As I mentioned earlier - men have their menu all chalked out in their mind and they stick to it. Women on the other hand, always experiment with their food and then fall back on the man's plate for the safe meal. Who the fudge asked you to order "Apple with chicken broth in the first place?" And now that you have ordered it - suffer with it. Don't eye my Sweet and Sour Chicken dish please. And it always begins with, "Can I take a small bite from your dish?" You smile and say "Yes" and she obliges and the bite is instantly followed by "Wwwwwoooow! This is sooooo good. Do you mind if I take another bite?" And if that was not enough, they then add salt to the wound by gracefully offering you their discarded dish. Aaaaaarghhh!
5. Keep the cell phones off - will ya? I don't know abt other guys but if I'm out with a woman, the only calls I receive are from other cuter women :) What's this with the annoying best friend calling every fifteen minutes into a date. Here you are talking about how you love Apple with chicken broth when her phone rings. She says the customary "One sec!" and then continues for ten minutes and at the end you get a 2 second summary. "It was my best friend. They are going for a movie." What?????? That's what you guys discussed for ten minutes. What was she doing? Telling you the story of that freakin movie or what?
Evidently there are other things that can go wrong. But men are easy to please. Even if you have messed up the whole evening you can make up for it by leaning towards him at the end of the evening and just when he thinks it's a dream come true - your best friend will call you coz her movie just got over :)
*************************************************************
Musings : Sometimes during romantic feuds with my wife, I wish that love was deaf and dumb and not blind.
1. She makes you wait and wait and wait and wait ... And it's not just the wait. It's the way they build up the whole wait that bugs men the most. The feeling that the wait it almost over and ... and ... and ... more wait. So you drive all the way to the other end of the city to pick her up and she told you that she'll be ready at 6:30 pm SHARP. You ring the bell and she opens it hastily and says "Give me JUST ONE MORE MINUTE!" And then she disappears. The seconds hand of your watch makes a twenty second round of the circumference and still she doesn't come back. Ten minutes later she comes and says, "I'm soooo sorry. My friend called me up just before you came and her ..." You cut her short with the contrived smile and say "No problem. Take your time." And she does. She disappears again and returns fifteen minutes later looking exactly the way she did when she opened the door first. Please freakin explain it to me what feat was accomplished in this time period. Anyway, that was techniqo UNO in which women can spoil a date even before it starts.
2. Spend an hour deciding what she wants to eat. Men always know what they want to eat. We don't think twice and we DON'T mix food varieties. Our answer is always "Chinese" or "Indian" or "Pizza" or whatever - but it is always one word. For all you know we even have a restaurant in our mind and if the guy is like me - he even has the menu chalked out. But then we are gentlemen and we ask the fairer sex what they want and there begins round two of the wait. "You know what I feel like eating? I'm in a very Pizza-ish mood ... but I also want to have this amaaaaaaaaaazingggggg chocolate ice cream they sell in this shop on the other side of the city ... Actually you know what'll be great? My friend went to SOME Japanese restaurant where the sushi was great ..." Yup! Date spoiling technique Deux.
3. Have another appointment for the same evening. Ladies - this is a simple dating rule - when you go out on a date you JUST go out on a date. Don't start with, "I have to be back home in two hours. Coz my friend's sister is getting married and her fiancee ..." That aint fair o fairer sex. When a man goes out with a woman he hopes at the bottom of his heart that something exciting will happen at the end of the night. And for that he is willing to wait for years if need be. Ask your male date if he is willing to accompany you to the other end of the country and say that with a wink and he WILL accompany you there - with nothing but a faint hope in his heart. That's how desperate my specie is. So please return the favor by keeping the date "other engagement free"!
4. Eating the other person's food. This is another female classic. As I mentioned earlier - men have their menu all chalked out in their mind and they stick to it. Women on the other hand, always experiment with their food and then fall back on the man's plate for the safe meal. Who the fudge asked you to order "Apple with chicken broth in the first place?" And now that you have ordered it - suffer with it. Don't eye my Sweet and Sour Chicken dish please. And it always begins with, "Can I take a small bite from your dish?" You smile and say "Yes" and she obliges and the bite is instantly followed by "Wwwwwoooow! This is sooooo good. Do you mind if I take another bite?" And if that was not enough, they then add salt to the wound by gracefully offering you their discarded dish. Aaaaaarghhh!
5. Keep the cell phones off - will ya? I don't know abt other guys but if I'm out with a woman, the only calls I receive are from other cuter women :) What's this with the annoying best friend calling every fifteen minutes into a date. Here you are talking about how you love Apple with chicken broth when her phone rings. She says the customary "One sec!" and then continues for ten minutes and at the end you get a 2 second summary. "It was my best friend. They are going for a movie." What?????? That's what you guys discussed for ten minutes. What was she doing? Telling you the story of that freakin movie or what?
Evidently there are other things that can go wrong. But men are easy to please. Even if you have messed up the whole evening you can make up for it by leaning towards him at the end of the evening and just when he thinks it's a dream come true - your best friend will call you coz her movie just got over :)
*************************************************************
Musings : Sometimes during romantic feuds with my wife, I wish that love was deaf and dumb and not blind.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
On Making Blogs Popular
A few friends of mine informed me that they liked my blog - giving vanity an ego boost. This makes me wonder with a zillion blogs available how does one increase the visibility of a blog. I remember an anecdote my teacher used to tell me using G. B. Shaw's name as the protagonist's. Apparently Shaw would go to various publishers and enquire about "Bernard Shaw's latest book". The simple scheme worked for Shaw and the rest was history.
A close friend of mine, has a fairly well visited blog and his secret lies in the fact that he creates a collage of interesting news snippets for his blog. This initially attracted a lot Google hits and now he has a fairly dedicated user base.
There are other blogs which deal with specific issues and therefore have a dedicated user base. This makes me wonder how to make my blog more visible. More importantly - do I want to make my blog more read? The answer is yes - for a blog like mine, which does not take a stance nor discusses issues of social/technical/gastronomic/farcical importance the only reason for writing is to be read. Why else would I publish stray thoughts on the web instead of storing them in a local Word file of my computer. "Elementary, my dear Watson" - the answer is to be seen and read by all and sundry. Even though I offer nothing in form or content, my mind hopes to gather a "reader-base".
Will it or won't it - that's the question only time will answer !!!
Hmm... As they say 'Patience is a virtue'
A close friend of mine, has a fairly well visited blog and his secret lies in the fact that he creates a collage of interesting news snippets for his blog. This initially attracted a lot Google hits and now he has a fairly dedicated user base.
There are other blogs which deal with specific issues and therefore have a dedicated user base. This makes me wonder how to make my blog more visible. More importantly - do I want to make my blog more read? The answer is yes - for a blog like mine, which does not take a stance nor discusses issues of social/technical/gastronomic/farcical importance the only reason for writing is to be read. Why else would I publish stray thoughts on the web instead of storing them in a local Word file of my computer. "Elementary, my dear Watson" - the answer is to be seen and read by all and sundry. Even though I offer nothing in form or content, my mind hopes to gather a "reader-base".
Will it or won't it - that's the question only time will answer !!!
Hmm... As they say 'Patience is a virtue'
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