Can't think of a title ... hence this post shall be called Chhotu !!

I know that so much gyaan on marriage from a recently married guy sounds strange, but trust me that marriage is in my genes - coz both my parents are married.

Last weekend was very well spent. watched a movie. enjoyed it. An old friend ( Lets call him X) visited me to give me an invitation for his marriage. He is from Bombay & works here in Bangalore. His wife would be joining him in bangalore post marriage. Now everyone knows that I'm a very good friend (ahem ahem). So, as a good friend, I gave X a very interesting preview of what I thought his married life will be like. And given that most of the readers of my blog are people who are married and use my blog as a one-stop resource for marital bliss, I thought I should share some of the weekend's invaluable words of wisdom here.

One of the first things X should do, I feel, is take his wife for a surprise shopping trip just after she arrives in Bangalore. Now I know what many of you are thinking - why is Abhi sounding like a nice person suddenly? Simple answer - coz I AM very nice. So all you guys who bring your wives to a new place for the first time - please take them shopping soon - but but but, TAKE THEM TO MTR. That's the key. It is important that you set the bar really low. You try to impress her with a trip to Le Meridien and you my friend are inviting a Looooooot of trouble. Coz the next time when you take here to Le Meridien after a fight, she'll be like "Hoooh! Whatever!" So take her to MTR and tell her it is a biiiiiig brand here.

If you are working and your wife is not , then the chances are high that you'll occasionally (changing soon to frequently) get a phone call at 5 in the evening. Your darling will start of by saying "Hi!!! What are you doing? Nothing. I just called to say Hi. I love you and miss you." The big thing to learn here is to NOT think that this is a general phone call. The actual translation of this phone call is "Why are you still at work? I am feeling sooooooo bored. You better come home fast." So never reply to this call with a nonchalant "I miss you too. See you at eight." coz then my friend you will be screwed (or maybe you never will be ... hmmm).

You'll often get underhand questions that'll sound like simple pursuits for knowledge but in reality they are anything but that. Things like "How much does a Honda Civic cost?", "Have you ever been on to Coorg?", "Is Mysore very different from Bangalore?" and "How much does a two bedroom house cost?" should never be answered. Learn to dodge them skillfully with a "Oh! shi!t. I have to make a very important phone call. I'll be back in a sec." Coz what these questions really mean are "Why don't you sell your bike and buy a cool car?", "Let's go on a vacation", "We are going to Mysore for the long weekend" and "It's time to call the real estate agent." So don't tell me that I didn't warn you.

There are several other rules to follow. Many of which have been taught to me by my dad. Some that come to mind are:

* Never criticize her cooking. Cooking to women is like sex to men. Even if they suck at it - they never want to know that piece of info. So, according to Dad, the right way to criticize cooking is to actually praise it. "Hmmmm! I like the fact that you have put a lot of salt in the rasgullas. Very different. Hmmmm! Very different." This way you get the message across and make sure that even if things are a lil too salty, you at least don't make them bitter.

* Never praise a friend's wife. "Don't you think Raj's wife looked gorgeous in that red top?" That statement is a disaster. Coz it'll be instantly followed by "Then why didn't you marry her only?" Face it, Raj is married and so is his wife and even if his wife looks well red, you don't have to read into it.

* And the GOLDEN RULE - she NEVER NEVER NEVER gets fat. Even if your double bed has no space for you to sit on - it is never her fault. If you want to tell her that she has put on weight - you might as well contact your divorce attorney before that - the rule is simple - weight and watch my friend!

Gotta run now (actually it's more like a leisurely stroll). Peace!